in true light

muddy pumpkin farms

2011-04-01T07:42:00.002-05:00

I want to help introduce to my family, friends, and the world a new website: Muddy Pumpkin Farms, the place to go for local foods in South Dakota. This is my family's burgeoning business, a collective endeavor devoted to building the local food movement in South Dakota. We are well on our way to getting a CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) developed, and we're hoping to meet up with people all over the state and region to sell them local, healthy foods, along with building community in the strongest sense of the word.

It's April 1st, but this is no April Fool's trick. It's what my family and I have put a lot of effort into as of late. Here is Mark's blog post from today. Follow us on Twitter, Facebook once that is up and running, or join our mailing list. And come check out the farm and our farmers markets whenever you're next in SD.

SDSU Women's Basketball Tourney Thoughts

2010-03-16T11:14:00.001-05:00

Here are a few thoughts on SDSU's game against Oklahoma, and the possible game against Georgia Tech or Arkansas-Little Rock.

According to one RPI site, SDSU made it into the top 100 during the conference tournament, which is good, because that should be one of our team's goals all the time (and hopefully Oakland/Oral Roberts/etc. will have that as a goal. If our conference had 3+ teams in the range better than 100, someone would always have a chance at an at-large bid.

We also ended up with 2 wins in the top 25 RPI, which isn't easy as a midmajor, and it should be noted that both MidTenn and Gonzaga should have been 5-7 ranks rather than 7 and 10 or whatever. That's the position SDSU was in last year, and it really makes life tough being slightly under ranked once you get to the second round. In the sweet 16, it gets tough no matter what, and obviously last year SDSU was good enough to beat Baylor as a 2 seed, but had we been a 5 rather than a 7, we would have only had to beat a 12 and 4 rather than a 10 and 2. That's really where midmajors get screwed, and it makes absolutely no sense how they seed things, since they are supposedly going by RPI, by results against top 25/50/100 RPI, and stuff like that. SDSU was more than good enough last year, and I think MTSU and Gonzaga are good enough this year.

As far as this weekend goes, we are listed as a 9 point underdog to Oklahoma, according to this RPI projection. That seems fair--I'm not sure it is taking into account the fact that this is far from a neutral site, but maybe that evens out SDSU's better play toward the end of the year.

They have a good coach in Coale and a great driving point guard in Danielle Robinson (who was almost as crucial to their success last year as the Paris sisters, but has had a greater load put on her this year). Add to that the fact that SDSU doesn't do all that well defending against driving PGs, and that might be key. Additionally, OK is taller than us in the 4/5 positions, but SDSU may be bigger at the 2/3 positions. OK looks pretty bad at 3pt% and probably don't shoot many, so that may be an equalizer. Additionally, SDSU may be better at some of the peripherals like blocks and steals. We've played against some top teams steal-wise (like ORU), and while good Big12 teams like Oklahoma have played against bigger players than us, I don't know if they've played against many teams that are as consistent and fast as us. If this were last year's team (not just the missing players, but the missing team defense that I thought was top 5 in the country last year--this year it's been hit-or-miss), I'd say we had a 50-50 chance (just as much chance of blowing them out as they have, and a pretty good chance of playing it close to the end). This year, I think we have a better chance of not showing up, and 35% seems fair. We would be their worst loss, and they would be our best win, but it's not outside the realm of possibility.

You can see all the teams in our group here.

One thing I thought was crazy was how many tall players Georgia Tech has. They have five over 6-2 (OK has 3, and SDSU has none). In spite of the height, Georgia Tech has relatively few blocks and lots of steals (on par with SDSU steals-wise at ~300/year--maybe even better at 340/year--I don't think any team compares to Oral Roberts who had 500 team steals this year--it's almost insane). I'm not sure why GT had so few blocks.

Additionally, both OK and GT are substantially worse than SDSU in terms of 3's, both in terms of % and production. And I do mean substantially. Therefore, the 3 can be the equalizer for SDSU in these games, but since SDSU has been hot-or-cold with 3s, that means they could also be off and lose. The good side is they shot 3s better late in the year (last 10-12 games), and most consistently. The bad news is they may be playing against taller and more athletic teams.

3pt
OK: 166-534 .311
SDSU: 251-660 .380
GT: 88-338 .260
UALR: 112-352 .318

I haven't said much about UALR, and they're a very good team--giving Middle Tennessee a run for their money this whole year. In fact, their top player Chastity Reed was on my honorable mention list for top players. Their strength of schedule was worse than MTSU, but they won ~20 games in a row before losing the conference tournament final (in OT I think) against MTSU. I think they would be a great match for SDSU this year, and it would probably be a hard game. Too bad I don't see it happening. Their size is more like ours, and we are probably even bigger. Aside from Reed (averages 25 pts, 8 rebs, 2 st, and 1 bl--sort of like Boever's stats, but with twice as many points), I think we would be able to beat them easily without Reed, but Reed is close to on par with Kevi Lupar of Oral Roberts and Alysha Clark of MTSU, so she'd give us a run for our money.

One other thing I found of note was that GT has no wins against top-25 RPI teams, while SDSU has two (Gonzaga and MTSU). On the other hand, Oklahoma has seven, so I think they're in a different class. I think that SDSU could play with any 5+ seeds, but a good 3 seed like Oklahoma is going to be tough. Their Strength of Schedule is 7th in the nation, and ours is 205th (another reason we need more teams in the Summit League to get in the top 100, and a reason I'm happy to be rid of Centenary soon, in addition to the travel).

Recap: Oklahoma
In any case, I think that our strengths will be 3pt shooting, overall FG%, and steals. Blocks are a wash, as is FT%. They have a driving PG who will give us trouble, and two big girls who rebound and foul out a lot. They're just as balanced as we are, and I would say they are a slight to moderate favorite. The 35% chance that RPI gives us seems reasonable--I would have put it at 40%, but I'm overvaluing our improvement over the course of the year, and undervaluing their home court advantage. It should be a good game.

tree flow furniture

2009-11-20T16:14:00.002-06:00

this isn't much of an update, but for those of you who are interested, you should check out the website i'm working on for my brother's furniture-building business: treeflow furniture. it's forcing me to relearn dreamweaver which i hadn't used in 10 years, but it'll be good for me. and maybe my own website will get a redesign sometime soon also.

past that, all is well in kentucky. it's been a pleasant fall, full of house-stuff, environmental ethics-stuff, and kitten-stuff. i'll write more soon.

softer than a shower

2009-08-31T07:00:00.001-05:00

sometimes when a blog goes silent, it is because the writer has lost interest or trailed off. my silence here was intentional. i was applying for jobs, but even more importantly, i was trying to finish my dissertation. i now have a new job, and i defended my dissertation yesterday. i also am moving to a new state and part of the country, and i bought an old house. this hasn't left much time for reflection and song lyrics. it's possible that in the coming year this blog will change shape, have more about my new life experiences rather than memories, but i expect the song lyrics to stay the same. while i'm not getting exposed to as much new music these days, my interest remains rather pronounced. and actually, i'm thinking i'll get back into making music, recording some stuff myself. i'll let you know how that goes.

with all the craziness in my life this summer, a few things stand out. first, writing and defending my dissertation. second, learning what it takes to buy a house. third, spending time with friends and family, with all the fun and excitement of that, but also the varied frustrations. fourth, my big vacation was to vancouver and victoria, bc for a conference and to see my brother's place there. and fifth, the sunsets, bald eagles, orcas, and trees.

my favorite song of the summer of 2009 is a selection from what i would call a rock opera, or at the least a themed album by the decemberists. as always, i highly recommend the song. check it out. and check out what a corn crake is, too. this was the song that got me through writing my introduction and conclusion this summer, that and old sigur ros standby songs. i'm not sure where i would be without sigur ros right now, but i don't think i'd be done with graduate school.

the hazards of love / wager all by the decemberists

and here i am
softer than a shower
and here i am
to garland you with flowers

to lay you down
in clover bed
the stars a roof
above our heads

and all my life
i never felt the tremor
and all my life
that now disturbs my fingers

i lay you down
in clover bed
the stars a roof
above our heads

and we'll lie 'til the corn crake crows
bereft of the weight of our summer clothes
and i'd wager all
the hazards of love

and take my hand
and cradle it in your hand
and take my hand
to feel the pull of quicksand

i lay you down
in clover bed
the stars a roof
above our heads

and we'll lie 'til the corn crake crows
bereft of the weight of our summer clothes
and i'd wager all
the hazards of love

good fortune

2009-01-04T00:45:00.003-06:00

while i might post a reflective post about the last year sometime soon, i think that it's more important now that i tell a few tales, stories that can be read as stories of luck, of the holiday spirit, of minnesota nice, of holy presence, or of karma. choose your favorite narrative framework.

story #1. this took place last night, with the main characters being myself, my brother mark, and our friend adam. it's really a simple story. we had just finished eating at himalaya, a nepalese restaurant in my neighborhood that serves excellent food (i highly recommend it), and we were on our way to the nba basketball game between the golden state warriors and the timberwolves. the game was unspectacular, but fun--the highlight was the fact that starbury was in attendance watching his cousin, and therefore the highest paid basketball player in the building was not a member of either team, likely did not check the score of his team's game, but still managed to have an effect on the game by giving stephen jackson an energy drink at half-time.

the cool part of the game was that we were able to attend without paying for a single ticket--a friend gave us two tickets, so we figured we'd have to buy one ticket. i went up to the ticket booth, and when i said that i wanted one ticket, the cashier asked me whether i was going by myself, and i said yes, and then that my friends already had tickets. she then convinced me not to buy a ticket and instead take one that had just been left at the counter, worth $35 plus a free wristband good for all you can eat concessions. while we never ended up using the free concessions (being full from excellent nepalese food), it was nice that the kindness of friends and strangers gave us a cheap night of entertainment for my brother's last night in town.

story #2. on new year's eve (just a couple days ago), my brother, our friend hanna, and i were driving from our hometown in south dakota to the twin cities (where i live, from where my brother was flying back to canada, and where hanna was going to visit friends and family). the drive was especially anxious for me because the previous trip--from the twin cities to our hometown--was quite easily the worst drive of my life--mark and i drove home through white out conditions with drifts across the two-lane highway, making it on luck, awareness, resolve, and a healthy dose of stupidity or stubbornness, not to mention a semi/truck that we followed much of the way, using its tracks for the broken drifts. to put it mildly, the trip was awful, and while the new year's eve trip back was rather tame weather-wise, i was still a little paranoid because my front left tire had been losing air even though i had taken it into the shop at thanksgiving to get the tire repaired.

though i pumped up the tire just before getting on the road, the tire wasn't done deflating yet. after about eighty miles on the road, the steering wheel started feeling a little bit wobbly, and though i thought it could be snow/slush disrupting the wheel balance (which had been a factor on the previous trip), i got out and checked as we were pulling through the small town of vesta (population 300-350), pulling over on the side of the road.

the tire was done. i could have probably driven on it a little longer, but it was dead or dying quickly. the temperature was in the single digits with a wind chill below zero. and i had forgotten my winter gloves back in south dakota, so i pulled on a pair of thin gloves from trunk. i knew i'd have to put the spare on, so we unloaded a very packed trunk on the side of the road when a voice called from a building just off the road: "hey, why don't you bring the car over here, put it in the garage to change the tire?" i looked over and saw a guy waving at me, so i got in the car, drove it--flat tire and all--into the garage, a warm shop with a nice jack, an impact wrench, and three friendly guys, each helpful and nice. the guy in charge gave mark and hanna a beer each and joked enough to keep my stress levels low, and when i had the tire changed, they let us out and told us to stop by again.

we drove away feeling like the experience was angelic, that we'd drive by vesta again in a few weeks, and there would be no friendly guys, no shop, no building. one of the other two said that between the three of us, we must have saved up a large dose of luck over the last year to use it up on the last day.

i still haven't gotten the tire fixed--i will sometime this coming week once i'm safely in northfield (where i'll spend the next month), but if i had a wish for the new year, it would be that everyone who traveled highway 19 through minnesota would stop in vesta at the r.r.s. building and give the guys who work there cookies or pies or any other kind of karma-return, or just as importantly, do something like that for someone else, wherever it is you are, and do that sort of thing often. it doesn't have to be cliche like the silly commercials on tv, but i'd love to live in a world where it was normal for people to be as good and kind as those guys in the shop in vesta.

though i have a couple things to say about radiohead below, and though i think you should listen to in rainbows if you haven't yet, i'd actually prefer that you took a few minutes and listened to a few songs on my friend david's page. i really like his music, and if you think about your relative impact, it's certainly much more meaningful to listen to his music than to thom yorke's--just by the numbers. but more importantly, for any of the people who read this who know me, know about my life in college and after, or are from minneapolis, you'll have close connections to the artist--he's a friend and mentor, and he's also an excellent musician.

i'm mentioning this song because unlike most people like me who will probably consider radiohead the best band of their generation, i waited a year before really listening to the new album a bunch and really only got into it during the last week (and yes, i was one of the people who pre-ordered the most expensive box set even though i could have downloaded the music for free--and unlike with the radiohead bears that i still consider one of the best iconic symbols of the last twenty years, i didn't really get much out of the art work this time). yet for some unknown reason, i waited until now to really listen and really like in rainbows. it will probably take me another 20+ listens to start listening to the words, but i like the music. on this song for instance, i know the music almost perfectly, but had to try quite hard for a while to figure out the words, which don't really speak to me at all, but tracks three thru five have great sounds.

nude by radiohead

don't get any big ideas
they're not gonna happen

you paint yourself white
and fill up with noise
but there'll be something missing

now that you've found it, it's gone
now that you feel it, you don't
you've gone off the rails

so don't get any big ideas
they're not gonna happen

you'll go to hell for what your dirty mind is thinking

don't you worry about the atmosphere

2008-12-06T00:49:00.001-06:00

much has happened since i've last posted here. i've written drafts of things multiple times but either never finished them or finished them and didn't feel like posting them. it's been one of those times. but i'll break the silence and let you in on a few thoughts and experiences.

as andrew bird says, "i know that it's starting to get warm in here, and things are starting to get strange." but it will be okay when we "meet someday in the crumbled financial institutions of this land" because "there will be snacks." i guess it's reminiscent of one of my favorite books from my childhood, one that my dad would read to me, using funny voices as he said, "lean over, fatly. the pig leaned over fatly." the story is appropriate because it addresses crisis--financial, or in this case environmental--in an interesting way (and i care because in my scholarly life, i study the rhetoric and literature of environmental crisis).

i highly recommend checking out or purchasing the book however you can (i've bought three copies in the last few years so that i have a copy everywhere i might want one), but until you get your own, this synopsis will work very nicely, thank you. euphonia was an older lady with a broom (named briskly), a pig (fatly), and a boat (mary anne). one day the creek in front of her house flooded, but rather than sitting around "hollering for help," euphonia, the pig, and broom got into the boat and took off down the creek, picking up new friends (a skunk, some chickens, and a bear) along the way. at the end of their adventure, they found a picnic where everyone was taking a pragmatic and hopeful approach to the natural disaster: they were having a picnic!

before i get back to the meaning of the book, i should say a couple things about that last sentence. first, there were tons of dissertation references in that last sentence, and second, at my brother's recommendation, i just started reading ted steinberg's history of natural disasters, and their relationship to human behavior: especially interesting is the section on the deadly floods of rapid city in 1972. the creek in front of my family's place in the black hills flooded a couple times this summer, to great effect, with water sashaying down the creek, carrying bridges, sticks, and other stuff downstream. not sure there was a picnic, in 2008 or 1972. but i guess that leads me back to the point: crisis, and in this case financial. that's what people are thinking about a lot right now (if i were a little smarter, i'd be writing my dissertation about the literature of financial crisis rather than environmental).

so welcome to a recession of some sort, which is a grown-up (and therefore less fun) version of recess i guess. it's when people get a break from work to play outside, right? wow, i didn't plan that out, and it came out irreverent, perhaps to the point of being callous and hurtful. i apologize. what i really mean to say is that things aren't good for a number of people--especially those who have lost their jobs--and they might get worse before they get better. and people's coping mechanisms are wide-ranging: working harder, doing nothing, reading fantasy books or watching reality tv, becoming cynical, depressed, naively optimistic, anxious, maybe even violent.

but what about the responses described by andrew bird and euphonia and the flood. will there be snacks or a picnic at the end of the recession? that's kind of what i'm banking on lately. i'm hoping things get better soon, but here's the thing about hope: it requires action--hopeful pragmatism as i call it. i'm working on a dissertation chapter on scott russell sanders' book hunting for hope right now (once i'm done with it, i'll be mostly done with my dissertation), and though i have much more to say about the book if you ever decide you want to read my literary/rhetorical criticism, the short version is this: finding hope in our life doesn't have to be entirely dependent on global economic systems, and the crumbling financial institutions bird mentions. and living in hope means making the best out of the situations and crises we encounter: enjoying the flood as much as possible.

please note that the scale of the disaster is key here: a flood can be fun, but it can also be dangerous--people die, whether it's in south dakota in 1972 or new orleans in 2005. the message though is that finding and enjoying the good things in life--family, food, fun, time spent together, working and playing--doesn't have to be dependent on things beyond one's control. our lives are certainly influenced by things like recessions and floods--sometimes in terrible ways--but small floods and recessions (let's pray this one is small) offer opportunities to step back from our everyday lives and either work together, play together, or somehow celebrate what we do have--picnics, dancing bears, a band, and pigs eating fatly. and the story of euphonia and the flood might even have an important message for people in times of economic or environmental crisis: reconnect with your neighbors and local food systems.

does this mean we shouldn't worry about the atmosphere, or some other crisis waiting in the wings? unfortunately, no. in fact, this might be the most important time for us to worry about the atmosphere, to redevelop our energy grids by investing in green-collar jobs, mass transportation systems, our countries' infrastructure, and solar/wind energy systems. and while we're working on responses to financial crisis and the atmosphere, while we're bring together science and engineering, business and politics, we can't "let the human factor fail to be a factor at all." we need stories, storytellers, lovers, friends, family members, snacks, and picnics, and if my impertinence can be forgiven one more time, i think we should strive to make this recession a little more like recess. i think that might be our best survival kit, our best equipment for living in crisis.

tables and chairs by andrew bird

if we can call them friends, then we can call them on red telephones
and they won't pretend that they're too busy or they're not alone
and if we can call them friends then we can call
holler at them down these hallowed halls
but just don't let the human factor fail to be a factor at all

don't you worry about the atmosphere or any sudden pressure change
cause i know that it's starting to get warm in here
and things are starting to get strange

and did you see how all our friends were there
and they're drinking roses from the can

and how i wish that i had talked to them
and i wished they fit into the plan

and we were tired of being mild
we were so tired of being mild
and we were tired

i know we're gonna meet someday in the crumbled financial institutions of this land
there will be tables and chairs
there'll be pony rides and dancing bears
there'll even be a band
'cause listen after the fall there'll be no more countries
no currencies at all
we're gonna live on our wits
we're gonna throw away survival kits
trade butterfly knives for adderall
and that's not all
there will be snacks

so don't you worry about the atmosphere

safely across

2008-10-23T00:05:00.000-05:00

obviously i'm in a phase where i'm writing on here more than i had been for a few months. i guess that's just the way this operates. maybe at some point, this blog will be a big enough priority in my life that i will update it often. but as it stands now, with a few casual readers, some friends (that i hopefully talk to anyway), and a few random people stopping by for song lyrics, i just don't have enough of a reason to write here for other people. it's still just for me. if you want me to take it more seriously, you're going to have to do part of the work of promoting it. tell all of our mutual friends to read what i have to write.

but that really is an aside. i am happy enough with recording my thoughts here and letting you eavesdrop. anything to keep me from thinking about baseball or the election (or job letters and my dissertation) is good. that sounds awful--that i'm trying not to think about the important things in my life (with the exception of the election, but i think that's something very important, even if it isn't directly a part of me).

in addition to thinking about student writing (since i'm giving feedback on papers right now), i've been thinking about how college students encounter, filter, and process information in a time when hypertext has turned into hyper-overload: information, entertainment, and spin. my friend and colleague greg brought up this point with respect to his students, and it has gotten me thinking (though i haven't made it far). i have a hard enough time sorting through information and news, and simplifying my life as much possible by cutting out tv entertainment (i am currently paying for heroes and how i met your mother on amazon since apple dropped heroes). i tried to listen to the twins on the radio (and watch gameday some) rather than watching them on tv, and i'm trying not to think about or care about nfl or college football (even though it still comes up in conversation) because i need my time and energy for other pursuits.

when it comes to news and analysis, i have my igoogle and rss feeds. i check the nyt website daily, fivethirtyeight.com and mlbtraderumors.com far too often, other baseball blogs (aarongleeman and the other twins people), read grist on the site or in my email, and get a variety of news stories from various listservs and friends. it's a far cry from reading the local or national newspaper, readers' digest, and u.s. news like i did when i was younger, and which my parents still do (though they read the emailed news stories i send them and go out and get others themselves).

but greg's worry, and my fear, is that students are all too often just encountering news and entertainment in random, incoherent bits, the "related" function in youtube, meaning having just watched a funny snl sketch the next thing to come up might be a clip from the colbert report or some other internet celebrity clip. the structure and connections, the deliberate reading of the news, and the chance to filter something out just aren't there. whether it's good or bad, it certainly is frustrating to be 28 years old and feel like an "old-timer" just because i don't let youtube pick what information i encounter next, just because i have particular news sites i read and process regularly, just because i have some kind of structure.

but it also brings up the questions of whether and how to develop students' capacities to think critically and analytically, how to help them structure papers and comments in class so that conversations aren't just a complex mess of tangential bullshit where one thing reminds them of another, and soon enough, no one has any idea why we're talking about animal planet by way of chinese birth control laws and norms when we really wanted to have a conversation about human augmentation and genetic engineering (this is an example from my class last week, and it was frustrating enough that i had to request students relate their comments back to the topic at hand multiple times).

so in the end, i'm still not sure what any of this means, and whether or what i and other instructors can do to help college students think better, read better, write better, and structure the world a little more than through tangential interest: if you liked watching midgets race against a giraffe, then you might also like a john mccain speech parody. if you have thoughts, let me know. but if you're more interested in music at times like these, then here's a draft playlist i'm working on for this month. below that, there's a note about a great singer and good friend, laura jean binkley.

october 2008 playlist (first one in a while without the decemberists)

midnight rider by the allman brothers
tables and chairs by andrew bird
forget about dre by eminem and dr. dre
omaha by counting crows
draggin' the line by tommy james and the shondells
mary jane's last dance by tom petty and the heartbreakers
subterranean homesick alien by radiohead
start a war by the national
adia by sarah mclachlan
the gardner by the tallest man on earth
sunshine by jonathan edwards
little one by beck
drivin' me wild by common
let her cry by hootie and the blowfish
don't be scared by andrew bird
whispering pines by dar williams
live and let die by guns 'n' roses
new by travis welk
shame by the avett brothers

check out laura jean's website for more information (and listen to her music). i was just listening to "walking dream" and "about you" and love them. but this song was played live on my friend james' phoning it in radio show at brown last year. i'm not sure about the title or even some of the lyrics, but you probably won't find them elsewhere unless laura has published them somewhere. if you want to hear the song, you'll have to find james' radio show archive at phoning it in.

ships and bridges by laura jean binkley

don't tell me not to hold my breath
don't tell me not to wait for death to impart
'cause you captured my heart

like the moon in the universe trapped by the earth
it travels round in a circle
every day since the birth of gravity
it's what you're doing to me

and i long to be your ship out at sea
and i long to be the bridge to carry your body safely across

lay a nickel on the railroad track
wait a little bit
that nickel's flattened by a train
that's my kind of pain

like a black bird sitting on a white fence post
i complement you
i say you're the most of anything
for you like me

and i long to be your ship out at sea
and i long to be the bridge to carry your body safely across
to hold you safely across

nothing is made
nothing disappears
everything we've saved has been around
for thousands upon thousands upon thousands of years

so if i send you kisses on the waves of the wind
you may not feel them but i'm certain you'll receive
those kisses from me

and i long to be your ship out at sea
and i long to be the bridge to carry your body safely across
to hold you safely across

snow and rain and bright sunshine

2008-10-20T23:05:00.000-05:00

though i could write about the graduate work i've done in the last week (and believe me, i did a lot in the last week or so), i think the most important thing i've done lately is attend and participate in ludfest 007, a celebration of all things lud (music, friends, food, and wiffleball). it really just doesn't get any better than spending time with old and new friends, playing a few games of relaxing yet competitive wiffleball, hearing the awesome guys from consolation champ play a few sets, singing some karaoke, having a few drinks, watching a couple movies, and most importantly, hitting a few bombs in batting practice and the homerun derby. anyone who follows the link to ludfest and looks at the homerun derby results will immediately notice how poorly i performed for the second straight year, but what they won't see is the fact that i pitched four batters into the semi-finals and beyond. it was an impressive year of wiffleball performance, shattering records in fact, but my pitching arm definitely had its biggest workout of the last few years over the course of friday and saturday.

eight days ago on a sunday morning when i needed a break from writing my dissertation (and didn't have ludfest to distract me), i sat down and wrote all day, this time not about environmental literature, but about the twins baseball offseason. what emerged was a lengthy document (~19 single spaced pages in word), which i then handed off to my good friend john for him to post to his blog. if you love baseball analysis, or if you love the twins, or even if you like me okay, then you might get something out of these posts on john's blog, though i do recommend breaking it up as you go. if nothing else, you should make a habit of checking out his twins blog anyway, and i promise not all of the posts are as long or boring as mine (i don't think it's boring, but i could see how/why someone would). so here are the posts in order. i'll keep writing there, and will try to remember to let everyone know to head over there as necessary. look for my world series prediction there sometime soon.

Part 1: 2008 Recap
Part 2: Evaluating Trades and Acquisitions using my CRAP method
Part 3: Twins Offseason Riches (what we could trade)
Part 4: Offseason Acquisition Scenarios
Part 5: Probability, Desirability, and Rankings: a Summary

having given you a bunch of wiffleball and baseball reading material, it's only fitting that i mention a song or two that you should check out. the featured song today is draggin the line by tommy james and the shondells. if you're interested in histories of bands, i highly recommend looking them up, even if it's just on their wikipedia page. as a former kid who played music with other kids (back when my band's name was one of: dry ice, under 18, limehouse chappie, i-29, the trinity project), i found it crazy that tommy james had to wait seven years before his music started to get a chance on the national scene. it was for reasons along those lines that i'm not still playing regularly: i just didn't want to wait when i could be doing graduate school full time (and boy, has that decision paid off: i'm rich, successful, and hardly have to do any work). well, the real point is, i like a bunch of songs by tommy james and have since the days when i would sing them in the back seat of the family suburban on the way home from my grandparents' house, listening to mike harvey's supergold on sunday nights. i even liked when other people covered his songs, though it caused a lot of confusion when i thought "i think we're alone now" was by tommy james and my friends said the artist was tiffany. i guess i didn't quite get the idea of cover songs in my nine-year-old roller skating days, but i knew i liked "walk like an egyptian" and "the final countdown"... still do.

draggin' the line by tommy james and the shondells

makin' a livin the old hard way
takin' and givin by day by day
i dig snow and rain and bright sunshine
draggin' the line

my dog sam eats purple flowers
ain't got much but what we got's ours
we dig snow and rain and the bright sunshine
draggin' the line

i feel fine i'm talkin' about peace of mind
i'm gonna take my time i'm gettin' the good sign
draggin' the line

loving the free and feelin' spirit
of huggin' a tree when you get near it
diggin' the snow and rain and bright sunshine
draggin' the line

i feel fine
i'm talkin' bout peace of mind
i'm gonna take my time
i'm gettin' the good sign
draggin' the line

if you like baseball, iron&wine, and me

2008-10-15T22:45:00.003-05:00

i'm now writing about baseball full time on another blog (which is to say, part time, but all of my baseball writing time). my friend john just published the first installment in a twins offseason report at the following site:

http://twinsmvb.blogspot.com/

i highly recommend checking out the blog generally, especially if you want to see me doing baseball analysis.

if you're interested in finding out more about me (and mostly about the courses i've taught and the research i do), then check out the newly published brettwerner.com.

in other life news, i have now submitted two chapters (of six) of my dissertation to my adviser. i'm busy trying to get a third to him. i'm also trying to get all the documents together to submit for job applications (mostly interdisciplinary environmental studies jobs). beyond that, i'm enjoying a good group of first year writing students at umn, the chance to walk or bike most everywhere i need to go, and my new apartment (especially the pool/sauna availability).

the two albums i've been listening to most when i'm trying to write my dissertation are sigur ros' agaetis byrjun and beck's sea change. interestingly, i think these were two of the albums i listened to most my senior year of college five years ago.

if you have new music suggestions for me, please post them in the comments--i'd enjoy something new right about now. until then, here's a song i've liked for a while...

pagan angel and a borrowed car by iron and wine

love was a promise made of smoke in a frozen copse of trees
a bone cold and older than our bodies slowly floating in the sea
every morning there were planes
the shiny blades of pagan angels in our father's skies
every evening i would watch her hold the pillow tight against her hollows, her unholy child
i was still a beggar shaking out my stolen coat among the angry cemetery leaves
when they caught the king beneath the borrowed car
righteous, drunk, and fumbling for the royal keys

love was a father's flag and sung like a shank in a cake on our leather boots
a beautiful feather floating down to where the birds had shit on empty chapel pews
every morning we found one more machine to mock our ever waning patience at the well
every evening she'd descend the mountain stealing socks and singing something good where all the horses fell
like a snake within the wilted garden wall i’d hint to her every possibility
while with his gun the pagan angel rose to say "my love is one made to break every bended knee"

birds all singin' blue

2008-09-04T23:36:00.004-05:00

not much to say. twins on losing streak. republicans in town. school starting up again. i have a new website up, and i may be writing a blog-type thing there starting sometime soon. we'll see. in the meantime....

call me on your way back home by ryan adams

oh baby why do i miss you like i do
oh i miss my sweet
and the birds all singing blue and white
call me on your way back home dear
cause i miss you
honey i ain't nothing new

oh baby why did i treat you like i did
honey i was just a kid
bubblegum on my shoe

but you love me and i love you
call me on your way back home dear
cause i miss you
and i just wanna die without you
oh i just wanna die without you
yeah i just wanna die without you

yellow and blood red bits

2008-04-09T23:57:00.000-05:00

sometimes when i don't write on here, it's because i don't feel like it. i don't have much to say, or i'm totally worn out. lately though, i've actually wanted to write, but just haven't found the time. i don't know if the thoughts i have are all that interesting, but i've at least had a couple of late. fair warning: this may be less interesting than you'd like, but if so, skip to the bottom and listen to this song.

i've started receiving comments for my facial hair lately, which often happens because i go in cycles from clean shaven to letting it grow for a bit (i don't really like shaving, and i don't really like facial... double bind). i've said for a while that the only thing good about facial hair is cutting it off in pieces and having fun with it that way. but in this case, i've managed to keep myself from cutting it for longer than normal, and i've therefore been called a mountain man by one friend. i was a guest lecturer in two sections of environmental ethics classes last friday, and one of my former students, in charge of composing and playing a song of welcome for me (a big reason i enjoy visiting ct's classes), he incorporated my facial hair into the song of welcome (growing a full beard may be instrumentally good, but it's probably not a universal good).

last weekend, in addition to a lot of groundskeeping work on the wiffle ball park in our yard (keep in touch feel-d), i watched ncaa basketball games and the lord of the rings marathon. the basketball games were good, and everything ended up about how i wanted it to, or at least close enough that i was fine with it. after watching and reflecting on the lord of the rings movies, i decided that if i grew my hair and facial hair out for long enough, and they subsequently turned grey and white, then i could look a little like ian mckellan as gandalf. and i have to say that the casting/makeup of gandalf is about as perfect as it gets in those movies (really the only people i felt they could have done much better on are elrond/agent smith and boromir).

what it made me think of was the following... if i want to look like gandalf for the adult part of my life, what is the history of that, and what are the other options. depending on how scruffy, well-groomed, etc. i am, i've been told (all in the last two years, and some multiple times) that i look like david spade, a young robert redford (again, three separate times... strange), and owen wilson. with a beard, people just comment on the beard and i stop looking like anyone. if i had to choose among the three, i'd take owen wilson without too much hesitation. but as i was growing up, none of those were really on my radar.

i grew up not really caring what i looked like--my hair, my anything--i was just a cute blond kid with a simple kid haircut, though maybe it was more like luke skywalker's haircut than i realized. my older brothers always told me that when i was little, i had clear hair, but by the time i can remember much, it was just plain white. in fact, my friends' parents (again, on separate occasions) have told me they knew me as the white-haired boy.

by the time i cared what my hair looked like, or had that kind of self-awareness, it was late in elementary school, and being an sdsu jackrabbit mens basketball fan, i wanted my hair to be short, kind of buzzed, but with a little more on the tops than the sides, and my model was troy bauman, whose brother was the third string quarterback for the vikings in case you need a frame of reference. up until i was seventeen and shaved my head for the state soccer tournament, my father was the only person who ever cut my hair (he and i remain the only two people who have cut my hair), and i remember the first time he cut it short. i told him i wanted it to look like troy bauman, and he said, are you sure, and i said yes. rather than a comb and scissors, he used a clippers on most of my head, and it looked just the way i wanted it to look. i guess i should also mention that sometime around this time, my older brothers had both grown out their hair (one of which has had long hair ever since), and i didn't really want to be like them in that way.

the short hair thing stuck with me most of the time through senior year and graduation, with one main exception. during my sophomore and junior years, i let my hair grow a little longer on top and especially the sides. my friends and i called these my wings, and i grew them for quite a while. sometimes i would blow dry them up and out, and for one show that my band played (i think a spring fling concert), i died them red and blue so that i think i probably looked a little bit like the guy from prodigy (i am the firestarter).

after reaching college, i of course moved away and had more intermittent haircuts--it became a once a year or once every six months sort of thing. but the other thing that changed is i started to kind of want to look like westley (cary elwes) from the princess bride (my favorite movie from when i was ten until the present, though amelie and the original star wars trilogy might compete for this lofty achievement). so a few times i even asked my dad to cut my hair like westley's. it never really worked because my hair was always shorter than his was, never long enough for a short pony tail (except for a top knot, and wing pig-tails every once in a while). so even for the year or two that i cared what my fair looked like, it never really did. and i guess if you just recall the every-so-often hair-cutting paradigm mentioned above, you're back to the present. the only difference is, now i sometimes have facial hair, which i never really did in high school or college (with the exception of a soul-patch, which i never shaved my whole life until after graduating from college... and i hate the word soul-patch, but miss listening to the band soulwax).

so here i am, pondering my hair and facial hair, mostly because i'm guessing soon i'll get sick enough of it to cut it. and that's where i have to really respect the real gandalf (the imaginary one, not the movie character played by mckellan with a fake beard) for his amazing grey beard, and the shorter, whiter beard after his balrog-fight. they are both good hair-beard set-ups. i don't think i'll make it that long.

so, for those of you who aren't so interested in my hair history (not sure i am even), i'll have a better post coming soon, one that talks about my spring break out in the black hills, a very special place and a special trip. and maybe i'll do a little more sports analysis then, too. in the meantime, i highly recommend listening to this song--i've listened to it ten times today alone. and i got home and saw the pictures that my parents had ordered poster size prints of: pictures of red and yellow sunsets in the black hills. so... mountains, mountain men, hills, and mountain songs. but most importantly the colors of the landscape.

san bernardino by the mountain goats

we got in your car and we hit the highway
eastern sun was rising over the mountains
yellow and blood red bits
like a kaleidoscope

and flaming swords may guard the garden of eden
but we consulted maps from earlier days
dead languages on our tongues
holding on to our last hope

and the day
was bright and fine
and the highway sign
said san bernardino welcomes you

i checked us into our motel and filled the bathtub
and you got in the warm warm water
i pulled petals from my pocket
i loved you so much just then

and it was hard but you were brave
you are splendid and we will never be alone
in this world
no matter what they say we're gonna be okay

we were safe inside
and our new son cried
san bernardino
welcomes you

keeping everything

2008-03-18T11:32:00.001-05:00

having completed a few busy weeks of dissertation work, i'd like to say that i'm taking a break from it. and i guess i did on sunday, but as of yesterday, i was back to work, trying to track down scholarly influences for a mid-19th century literary-rhetorical theorist named kenneth burke, namely the influences of pragmatism (john dewey, william james, etc.). this means pulling every book by the guy and about the guy in the library, and browsing through them while making notes. that's how i spent most of my time yesterday, and today will be little different.

the other fun thing about my work is reading student papers, and since i'm not actually teaching courses this spring (and instead doing independent studies), i can focus on the parts of reading student papers that i really like: helping them improve, pointing out places where they could develop their research or analysis, and then talking with them about their work. it's quite nice.

having offered some analysis of the men's ncaa, and because of title ix, i have to say a little bit about the women's ncaa and wnit. no, actually i don't have to, but i do want to. i probably watch more women's college basketball than just about anyone who's a mid-to-late twenty-something guy. the team i follow is the hometown team where i grew up: south dakota state university. their men's team has been quite awful the last few years, and i've become quite enamored with the women's team. leaving outside of radio range has made me purchase the internet radio broadcasts for the team the last couple years. the other interesting thing about sdsu is the transition from division ii to division i that the school has made over the last few years. each sport handles the transition differently, but for basketball, the team cannot participate in the ncaa tournament the last few years. this is kind of a strange rule for the transition (most other rules related to the number of scholarships, coaches, and roster spots available), and for what i would guess is the first time ever, it has actually been important to the makeup of the ncaa/wnit tournaments the last two years.

last year, sdsu finished the regular season with an rpi of 40, a 1-2 record against #1-25, 0-1 vs. #26-50, 4-2 vs. #51-100, and 14-0 vs. #101-332. they didn't yet have a conference in order to receive an automatic bid, and those numbers would likely have given them a low seed in the tournament (~13). they settled for the wnit and lost to eventual champion wyoming after winning a few postseason games.

they haven't been quite as good this year, but now belonging to a conference, they won the regular season title with a 16-2 record (23-6 overall), and couldn't compete in the conference tournament. the second place record in the conference was 12-6 (20-10 overall), and the tournament winner, oral roberts, was 10-8 (19-13 overall). oral roberts gets the lucky draw of tennessee in the first round. had sdsu went to the ncaa tournament this year, i would put them on a 14-15 seed, but certainly not a 16.

sdsu will play creighton in the first round of the wnit, and winning that will mean playing marquette. these games are winnable for the team, but marquette is the last team to have beaten sdsu at home (they have a two year winning streak, the second longest active in ncaaw). i give them a good shot at the first game, and a not quite as good shot at the second. we don't have a superstar like last year's megan vogel (drafted in the second round to the wnba), but we have a solid team.

on the ncaaw side, the tournament is a little better than the men's because there is no play-in game. the regions still make no sense in terms, but at least there's no play-in game. in terms of bracket analysis, i won't go into as much detail as i did yesterday, but the following points are striking to me as i look at these brackets. first, even though i'm sure they can handle it, i think tennessee has the toughest road to the elite eight. i think texas a&m is the weakest #2 seed, but purdue (9), oklahoma (4), duke (3), and texas a&m (2) can each give tennessee a tough game, and it might wear them down more before the elite eight than other #1s.

second, the other #2 seeds are going to be very tough games for the #1 seeds because the competitive drop-off after these top seven teams is rather large. i would put maryland's bracket at the toughest because of the strength of baylor at the #3 seed, but this matters more to baylor and stanford than it does to maryland. if texas (8) beats minnesota (9) in the first round, texas will also present a larger early challenge to a #1 than will be seen elsewhere. i think that minnesota will be a challenge for texas, but even though they are another hometown favorite for me, i think minnesota should have been closer to a #10 seed and won't present much of a challenge to uconn.

since i'm doing some home team analysis right now, i'll say a few things about the twins this year. having traded johan santana and luis castillo to the mets in the last year (both of whom i'll miss), and having lost carlos silva and torii hunter to free agency and what look to me like really stupid contracts (both of whom i don't really miss, and certainly not for the money they're pulling), the twins are different this year than last. they also traded a good young pitcher (matt garza) and a shortstop (jason bartlett) for a very good young hitter delmon young (who i think i'll like). uncertainties surround the starting pitching of course (liriano's health, the youth factor in most of the rotation, the innings-eater potential of livan hernandez and whether his starts turn into throw-aways like silva's in 2006). the strength of the american league (bos, nyy, laa, sea) and the central in particular (cle, det) make this a tough year to be a twins fan, but it should work out okay in the end--i do think that our run production can't help but improve. i'm looking forward to games actually being broadcast more so that i can decrease the amount of time i spend reading baseball blogs as part of my morning news/email reading (nyt, grist, facebook).

probably one of the more entertaining things about march madness is that it really is madness of a sort. my brother and i are planning our spring break trip right now, and strangely enough, we're planning our trip around when we can see basketball games on thursday and friday, at least in part.

instead of teaching, and in addition to the other things i'm doing this semester, i've started an environmental film series on campus. every other wednesday evening we show a film (mostly documentaries, but not exclusively), and people can relax and enjoy the film, but also get together and talk about what they saw. i think it's a good thing, even if there aren't massive numbers of people attending. i also think that some of the people who read this might be interested in learning more about some of the films i would recommend if you're interested in environmentally-related films. all too often i focus on books i think people should read, but this is even easier. so here's a list (along with a book in parentheses that you might read if you enjoy the film). look them up if you're interested in them, watch them on netflix, or buy them.

--king corn: traces the story of corn grown in iowa into our food system (pair with michael pollan's the omnivore's dilemma)
--who killed the electric car?: the title should suffice
--an inconvenient truth: many people have seen this, so i rarely show it, but the next one is a good follow-up (field notes from a catastrophe)
--everything's cool: what are the political, ideological, and communicative aspects to climate change
--into the wild: based on krakauer's book, not a documentary, and just recently available on dvd
--monumental: documents the life of david brower, leader of the sierra club and called the archdruid (encounters with the archdruid or wilderness and the american mind)
--blue vinyl: looks at environmental health and justice issues, tries to make it funny (any book by sandra steingraber)
--the end of suburbia: addresses peak oil (the long emergency)
--empty oceans, empty nets: looks at overfishing and makes you rethink your diet, yet again
--green, green water: looks at the effects of manitoba hydroelectric dams on people (where much of minnesota's "renewable" energy comes from)

this song is from one of my favorite albums of 2007, the shepard's dog by iron and wine. in addition to being poetic in a very likable way, the lyrics (and music) make me think that seeing the world as sam beam seems to in his lyrics would be a pretty good way to live. i might say the same thing of sufjan stevens or john vanderslice. interesting imagery, but more importantly a soothing thoughtfulness or awareness.

resurrection fern by iron and wine

in our days, we will live
like our ghosts will live
pitching glass at the cornfield crows and folding clothes

like stubborn boys across the road
we'll keep everything
grandma's gun and the black bear claw that took her dog
and when sister lowry says amen, we won't hear anything
the ten-car train will take that word, that fledgling bird
and the fallen house across the way
it'll keep everything
the baby's breath, our bravery wasted and our shame

and we'll undress beside the ashes of the fire
both our tender bellies wound in baling wire

all the more pair of under water pearls
then the oak tree and its resurrection fern

in our days we will say what our ghosts will say
we gave the world what it saw fit and what we get
like stubborn boys with big green eyes
we'll see everything
in the timid shade of the autumn leaves and the buzzards' wings

and we'll undress by the ashes of the fire
our tender bellies are wound around in baling wire
all the more pair of under water pearls
than the oak tree and its resurrection fern

burns a circle in the snow

2008-03-16T23:01:00.001-05:00

another long stretch of tiring days finished yesterday. my hope is to take a couple days off and relax for a bit before working again on my dissertation's first chapter. it's been about three weeks of working full time on a dissertation fellowship application and my prospectus. i defended the latter on wednesday and submitted the former on friday. in addition, i gave two presentations on wetlands and climate change at two of the schools where i work, and i created some more figures for the paper we're writing. i've now given this presentation five times in the last couple months, and i'm getting better at it performance-wise, but there's still more than a little room for improvement.

the other special opportunity i had yesterday was interviewing high school seniors who are vying for my school's top merit scholarship. they were an impressive group, especially on paper, and generally quite good in person, too. it was inspiring for me to talk with them and remind myself of where seniors are at.

rather than telling a story, how about some ncaa basketball analysis... i'll start with the east (and yes, they should get rid of these stupid region names--teams from both coasts, playing in denver?).

east: north carolina is a tough team, but i think tennessee is the best #2 rather than the worst. in fact, though i'd like for kansas to win it all, i think tennessee may have deserved a #1 over them. even bigger problem (might be the biggest problem in the tournament) is ranking indiana at #8. i'd put them at a #6. i'd switch indiana with oklahoma. and i'll pick tennessee on a narrow victory over unc in the elite eight (risky pick, but they can get up for it).

1 unc (good)
2 tennessee (up)
3 louisville (down... good, but i'm not on this bandwagon)
4 washington st (up... good, can beat #1s)
5 notre dame (down... not on the bandwagon
6 oklahoma (way down... they are not a #6 to me)
7 butler (up, but only a little)
8 indiana (up, switch with oklahoma)

midwest: toughest overall bracket. in fact, most of my favorite teams are in this bracket, which makes things really annoying. on the top side (#1v4 and their comrades), kansas is my favorite team with a good chance to win it all. i don't really like any of the other teams in the upper half, but in the #2v3 lower half of the bracket, i don't like georgetown (though they're quite good), but my favorite teams are here: #3 wisconsin, #7 gonzaga (the team i cheer for and try to watch the most every year), #6 usc (i wanted to like them early in the year, but they never really impressed me), and #11 kansas state (with national player of the year beasley). i think that kansas state is the most likely bracketbuster (they can beat any #1 seed in the tournament, and ranked #11, this is just crazy... yes, they're inconsistent so they probably won't go far). similarly, usc has proven they can beat #1 seeds. i think that gonzaga, kansas state, and usc are the strongest teams at their seeds. and wisconsin, they're the top #3.

1 kansas (weakest performance for #1, but my favorite, most balanced team to 10 players)
2 georgetown (good placement, i don't like them, but they're good)
3 wisconsin (up, should be ranked higher, not sure why or how, but they get it done)
4 vanderbilt (fine placement, but again i don't like them)
5 clemson (down, a little high, but they're better than i give them credit)
6 usc (about right, maybe up a little, inconsistent, but most dangerous #6)
7 gonzaga (up a little, too inconsistent, but my favorite, and can be tough)
8 unlv (honestly one of the teams ranked this high that i haven't watched)
11 kansas state (up, inconsistent, but so good you don't want to meet them, could upset four in a row and be in the final four)

west... the west is the weakest bracket in my view, or maybe it's just full of all the teams i don't like that much. i think that duke is the weakest #2, which is to say, the #2 seed with the smallest chance of beating the #1 to reach the final four. i think the weakness of the rest of their lower bracket to reach the elite eight is similarly weak, or they would have the least chance of the #2s of making it that far. having said that, i will say that i do enjoy watching duke this year and will watch their games, but honestly, this is by far the bracket with the fewest interesting games for me. i hope for a drake win over uconn, an arizona win over west virginia, purdue to beat xavier, and for someone to upset ucla, though i just don't see it happening.

1 ucla (right on, they're good, and i like them more this year than in the past, but still not much)
2 duke (weakest #2, could be the place for wisconsin, the two are pretty similar)
3 xavier (down, don't like them, and think they're the weakest #3)
4 uconn (don't like them, never have, but might be accurate ranking)
5 drake (probably okay placement, hope they beat uconn)
6 purdue (kind of like wisconsin, don't know why they're as good as they are, but do well)
7 west virginia (down, not as good at this slot as they should be, but then again, neither is miami)
8 byu (may lose to texas a&m, who doesn't impress me either)

south: what distinguishes the south is the separation between the top three teams and the rest of the group. while i think that the top three is probably stronger than (or at least as strong as) any other group, the rest of the field doesn't seem as competitive to me. i would switch michigan state (#5) and pitt (#4), but would still say the same thing. i think that texas has a decent chance to beat memphis, but as i said, the top three teams here all play very different styles, are all quality teams, and make choosing very difficult.

1 memphis (good, teams won't be able to beat them,
2 texas (a good #2 pick
3 stanford (a good #3 pick
4 pitt (don't like them, think they're closer to a #5)
5 michigan state (better than pitt, but inconsistent, can beat about anyone)
6 marquette (inconsistent, and hasn't done as well lately, but could be good)
7 miami (down, not good, i'd say a 10 seed)
8 mississippi st (didn't see them enough to know, but likely losing to oregon)

top consistent teams (will beat most teams most of the time): unc, memphis, kansas, ucla, duke, georgetown, tennessee, texas, wisconsin, stanford (my top ten)

top teams that confuse me as to why they are this good: wisconsin, uconn, pitt, xavier

top teams that don't impress me (or that i just plain don't like): georgetown, unc, uconn, pitt, louisville, vanderbilt, clemson

top inconsistent teams (can beat almost anyone): kansas state, usc, michigan state, indiana, washington state

teams that shouldn't have made it: villanova, kentucky, baylor, kentucky

teams that should have made it: dayton, illinois state (when your rpi is less than 34, you should be in the tournament)

big 12: kansas and texas are great. kansas state could beat anyone and has a low ranking. oklahoma could beat people also and are a little more consistent than kstate, but not as good. baylor and texas a&m aren't really in the same league as them.

big 10: four teams (pretty obvious who they would be), two are inconsistent, but good (michigan st with neitzel and morgan, indiana with white and gordon), and two are good but confusingly so (wisconsin and purdue). i just don't know how they do so well.

pac 10: ucla is good. stanford is a good #3, wash st is a good #4, and usc is a good #6. oregon and arizona are fine, but not a threat really.

i won't comment too much on other conferences, but the acc and sec had a couple good teams each. the other conferences with a lot of teams are good, but i don't like them too much.

overall, i've watched a lot of college basketball over the last two years, and probably paid more attention to womens college basketball than just about anyone who has never played, been involved with, or related to someone in that sport. and to a certain extent, it's more of a waste of my time than most things i do, kind of like reading baseball blogs. nothing really productive comes of it. even though i have watched ten times more college basketball each of the last two years, i'm not really any better at picking the teams that are going to win certain match-ups than i was when i didn't watch it at all. i guess i get two things. i get to know players, and through getting to know them, i begin to like them more. second, i have some common experiences and interests to discuss with people who care about these sports, whether it's college basketball or major league baseball. i've even started watching more nba basketball than i had in quite a while. and i guess that's a good thing. but putting all of this in its place, i don't think it's the kind of addiction that will outlast its usefulness or become troubling in any way. i suppose that's a good thing.

let's see. i guess the only other things of note recently were some good conversations catching up with friends in the twin cities while i was there last week a few days, and chatting with friends in california over ichat with video, a new experience for me. interestingly enough, my first internet video chats were for my job, working on science research from afar. using it for more social/friend reasons was fun, and not a bad way of doing things.

this song captured my mood last night somehow. i'm not sure exactly why. maybe part of it is the melting we had around here this last week, a series of days that i love beyond measure. we lost a lot of snow cover, and it puddled up because the frost is still plugging the drainage into the groundwater (something i study as it relates to wetlands, climate, and hydrology). but the song is good beyond that in a low-fi, alt-country sort of way. i'm not sure it's quite the same kind of country that rebecca solnit was talking about in this essay (probably the best thing i read over the last week), but the song is something i like nonetheless.

lazy eye by fruit bats

you are a diamond in the dirt
and you're the centipede who broke
the camel's back

you didn't think i'd get hurt
love burns a circle in the snow

you're frog eggs in the sky
that rain on the gwb
and the palisades
love turns tripe into gold
love burns a circle in the snow

hey, you there with the lazy eye
turn, turn it to me
let me hear you say it one more time
you, you there with the lazy eye

the slow and difficult trick of living

2008-03-09T01:28:00.000-06:00

i'm awake, and it's been a long week, or month, or six i suppose. the last thirty hours i've had a little time to relax. up until that, i had gone two weeks without much of one. you would think that someone who is used to teaching would feel a little less busy without teaching this semester. yes, i have two students working on independent projects, recommendation letters to write, and other activities to attend to. but mostly my time has spent on a fellowship application (writing research and personal statements) and my prospectus (the last official step in the phd process before defending my dissertation). i'm meeting with my committee this coming wednesday. beyond that, i'm giving a biology seminar on campus on monday (gave one of these talks up at umn a week ago, and maybe another this tuesday also), possibly filling in as a guest instructor in environmental ethics on monday, that sort of thing. and making more graphics. i do that a lot lately.

trying to get all of these things figured out and done has taken a lot of time lately, and i just don't know how i would have done them had i been teaching. i'm pretty sure i wouldn't have gotten them done. that seems unfortunate for all the many people who aren't as luckily unemployed (at least less employed) as i am. i'm still getting paid for the work i did last semester and during january term.

the strange dreams continue as they always do. most notably, i had a new variation on my most often recurring dream a couple nights ago. this time i was riding in a truck with a guy from my hometown, someone with whom i graduated, but haven't talked to since middle school really. and for a while, it was making a lot of sense that we'd be talking about other people from our grade, as though we were at a class reunion. but driving along in his truck, we soon had to be avoiding the people who were chasing us. and just like normal, this meant driving along a ridgeline with a crazy drop-off and unexpected places in the ridge road that you might not see when going at higher speeds where the road just wasn't there, with the accompanying drop-offs again. i know a place like this very well, but much less extreme, which is what makes the dream the most confusing. and i know this dreamed landscape about as well as one can know such a thing, especially with the minor variations.

it's not the only dream i have that's like this, some recurring more often or varying to greater degree. others involve running and hiding in a hillside forest from an undesirable bunch of militant-types, showing my family around behind-the-scenes of a large research facility, or boating in a flooded forest.

it makes me wonder how dreams can influence how someone plans for the future, life choices, that sort of thing. i hardly ever dream of being a middle-aged professor, and it is somewhat disturbing that this hardly comes up in the futures of my dreams. most of the time, things are pretty tense or disturbing.

on the other hand, my best thinking happens when i'm sleeping. if i can't figure out what or how i'm going to say something in a paper or project i'm working on, most often i solve it and figure it out while sleeping. some people say that they think the best in the morning or afternoon. for me, it's when i'm sleeping at night.

if i were to include a song's lyrics here today, it would probably be all my little words by magnetic fields (because of the writing i've been doing among other reasons), but i referenced that song in september 2005 so i'll skip it this time. i suppose if you haven't already listened to it, you should. but a conversation with my brother this last week sent me back to the poem below, which i liked when i read, but had forgotten. i don't think i'll forget it again.

going to walden by mary oliver

it isn't very far as highways lie.
i might be back by nightfall, having seen
the rough pines, and the stones, and the clear water.
friends argue that i might be wiser for it.
they do not hear that far-off yankee whisper:
how dull we grow from hurrying here and there.

many have gone and think me half a fool
to miss a day away in the cool country.
maybe. but in a book i read and cherish,
going to walden is not so easy a thing
as a green visit. it is the slow and difficult
trick of living, and finding it where you are.

i am cold

2008-02-10T14:53:00.000-06:00

i could also title this entry "i have a cold" or "it's awfully cold outside." both are true, truer in fact than me being cold actually, but all that would change if i ventured outside for a minute. yesterday morning i started feeling a little under the weather, and getting under this particular weather isn't easy: the wind chill itself dropped down to -40 last night and it's -36 as i write this.

it's the second time in two weeks that it has gotten this cold. the last time was the end of january, the last day of our interim term. i was due to pick up my brother from the airport in the afternoon, and i had to be at school for final presentations. my housemate showed up at the house without his car. he had been driving back to school from the twin cities, and his car had broken down on the trip. so i was going to drive him and myself in to school, at least if my car would start. it almost didn't. it came on and immediately shut off. i tried again, and revved the engine a bit, and it started. i went back inside, to let it warm up a little bit (something i don't often do). just as we were about to leave, our third housemate got up and wished us well--he was planning to stick around the house and stay warm for a little while longer.

we left, turned out of the driveway, drove a tenth of a mile and turned again, and i heard and felt something wrong with the car. i thought it was a flat tire, so we both checked our sides of the car: the front left was flat, and there was a -40 wind chill. our third housemate came and picked us up, getting himself up and out much earlier than he wanted i know. but we made it into school. i listened to final presentations, and then sat in my car for two hours until the tow truck showed up. it was cold in the car. a cop did drive by and ask if i was warm enough. i said yes. i had left on my emergency flashing lights while in at work, and when i got to the car it wouldn't start. after about an hour, it did start up again, and i was able to get a little bit of warmth. once the tow truck was there, everything was fine--i sat in his truck and got warm, then sat around in the shop while they fixed the tire. my brother landed just a little early, and i still didn't know whether the car would be ready soon enough to pick him up, or if he should head elsewhere for a while. but they had it fixed quickly, and i left town for the airport only twenty minutes late. it was a cold day, but it worked out.

this time around, because i'm not feeling well, and because it just makes sense, i'm not driving anywhere today.

we've had some cold weather this winter, more bursts of colder weather and wind than in the last few years--probably since i was in high school. but when i was in high school, i have two memories of weather and wind chills much colder than even what we've had this year.

the first was when i was a freshman in high school. following in the steps of my older brothers and building on my experiences doing sound for my band, i was the sound man for the winter theater production. actually, i was one of three, but i was sort of in charge of this particular one (we alternated who ran the mixer and did the effects cues--it would have been a lot easier even a year later with mp3/cd-burning technologies). there were two days in the week before the performances where school was called off because of the cold: -60 to -70 wind chills. but the die-hard theater director was still having walk-throughs, for most of the day, both days.

even though my family lived pretty close to the high school, my parents didn't want me to be out in the cold, with a good chance of cars not starting, that sort of thing. but more importantly, they thought it was stupid that we'd have extracurricular activities when we couldn't have school. honestly, i didn't really want to go in also, and i thought it was stupid too, but i had the social pressures of my friends calling me up and telling me that they needed me there, and even putting the director on the phone (whom i would have the next year for english class). my friends offered to come to my house and pick me up, all that sort of thing. but my parents didn't budge and instead said they were fine with talking to the director (for some reason, she passed... go figure). this play marked my turning point away from theater (having acted in oliver when my older brothers were running sound, lights, and managing the stage). i still ran sound for another play and helped dismantle sets for another year (this was my favorite part any way), but i moved on to other activities...

the second time that it was terribly cold, cold enough to cancel school, was my sophomore year of high school, the year that we had more snow than any other i've been alive. in addition to numerous 100+ mile round trips to play indoor soccer, i was also playing full time with my band. because three of the four of us were in choir that year, the new choir director had agreed to let us use the choir room and a bunch of equipment to record an album over a long weekend. it happened to be cold then, too: a -50 to -60 wind chill. the choir direct let us into the room the day of school before that weekend. but the first problem was that the microphones and cables had gotten locked away in another room, and we didn't have the key to that, and the teacher who did wasn't going to drive in to school 10 miles (and back) just to open the door for us. so we called up one of my friends who could get in to the microphones. he came through with a little bit of illicit magic (which he had learned from my oldest brother, passed down through a few senior class generations).

once we started, the actual recording went pretty well. this was the last time we recorded tapes (my bands had made and sold tapes quite a few times before)--that summer we became the first high school band in the area to record a cd, which was sweet. but aside from making some pretty decent recordings in a matter of hours, the highlight of the experience was ordering pizza and the impressions done about the pizza guy on the phone, along with discussions of mung, which was our singer's word for the thick saliva/snot junk that collected in the back of his throat and gave his voice a rough texture. i can't remember enough about the pizza guy impressions to tell the story, but if i remember right, it wasn't very nice (but very funny), and was probably doubly unkind given that the pizza people brought us food in the coldest weather of the year.

so there's a few cold weather stories. the craziest cold weather stories i know involve my parents and grandparents, but i'll save those for another time. in terms of my life lately, i've watched a few basketball games this weekend, spent most of my time in bed, and watched the princess bride again (i guess this movie is kind of like comfort food for me: i've watched it a couple hundred times--no joke here--and still love it). it's a good movie for a sick kid, whether it's 1980s era fred savage, or me. it makes me smile and laugh and do all those other things i like to do with movies. it's sort of like this song, something that could easily be a springtime song, but still feels relaxed and happy on a cold day. besides her voice, i like the way she connects words with near-rhymes. her songs don't astound me with their literary prowess, but her aural aesthetics are amazing (she sounds nice).

clam, crab, cockle, cowrie by joanna newsom

that means no
where i come from
i am cold
out waiting for the day to come
i chew my lips and i scratch my nose
feels so good to be a rose

oh don't, don't you lift me up
like i'm that shy
no just give it up
there are bats all dissolving in a row
into the wishy-washy dark that cannot let go
i cannot let go
so i thank the lord and i thank his sword
though it be mincing up the morning, slightly bored

oh morning without warning like a hole
and i watch you go

there are some mornings when the sky looks like a road
there are some dragons who were built to have and hold
and some machines are dropped from great heights lovingly
and some great bellies ache with many bumblebees
and they sting so terribly

i do as i please
now i'm on my knees
your skin is something that i stir into my tea
and i am watching you
and you are starry, starry, starry
and i'm tumbling down
and i check a frown
it's why i love this town
well, just look around
to see me serenaded hourly
and celebrated sourly
and dedicated dourly
waltzing with the open sea
clam, crab, cockle, cowrie
oh will you just look at me

i hope you're resting quietly

2008-02-09T00:46:00.000-06:00

if you haven't noticed from the last couple posts, i sometimes have a tendency to write a lot, here and elsewhere. though i much prefer brevity when possible (student papers for example), i also think that writing as much as possible, whenever possible, is the best way to improve writing. add to that list reading (and reading good writing), getting and giving feedback on writing, and a near-obsessive tendency to always be thinking. basically i have to play sports to keep from thinking sometimes, and sometimes music helps... and sometimes it distracts in an unfortunate way (i think music and sound harmonies/textures a lot, so that can be just as distracting).

i'm not the kind of person who has always wanted to be a writer, and has spent the last twenty years trying to make it happen. in fact, i'm not the kind of person who has wanted to be any certain kind of person, or do any certain job, for my entire life. i have a hard enough time sticking with something for a few years, and only since i found teaching have i been happy because i'm doing so many different things--i have new students, new classes, new books, new assignments, new everything every semester. i do enjoy some continuity of students (a major reason i prefer teaching at saint olaf to umn). even this semester when i am not teaching a course, i have a couple independent study projects where i'm working with students to develop and think through interesting new books. add to that the wetland work and the dissertation work, and even this "down semester" (teaching-wise) promises to be quite busy.

after a disappointing day yesterday, writing wise, i rebounded today and wrote quite a bit (close to 2,000 words). i finished the new draft of an introduction, and while i'm not terribly happy with it, it's better than the others i had written. even if it changes in content and form, the approach and framework will likely remain from now until it is published. it also gives me a short, and i think engaging, way to introduce my dissertation to people. in other words, i could see myself giving a presentation on the topic, and people would enjoy it pretty well.

surprisingly enough, i've likely mentioned, at least in passing, the various book projects i'd like to complete at some point in the next couple years (with the exception of #1, the most recent idea). i list them below, along with a short description. but obviously with all the other things i want to do, it's not going to go as fast as i might like, not to mention the necessity of revising any of these projects which takes more time than even the writing process. but here they are, and if you have any feedback on what ones to work on first and why (with the exception of #4, which will likely be the first one since it should emerge from my dissertation).

1. muddying the waters (brainstormed in early 2008): i've toyed with a bunch of different titles and ideas revolving around my family's relationship to our homeland, especially the two rivers area. and i think i've finally kind of settled on it. the good thing is that kathleen dean moore's the pine island paradox helped me figure out the metaphor or narrative for this book, but i also need to take some time to really think it through so that i'm not writing the same kind of stories/essays that someone else has already written, only better. i'd still have a local audience (friends, family, acquaintances), but i'd like it to extend beyond that. the other remaining question here is the extent to which my brother or father would write parts, or even most, of this book. i'd be fine with that--they're smart, but it would definitely make for a different book project than some others (maybe it could be a great point of interest). but i guess rephrasing this last question or concern, i don't want to write a book about this if they already have something planned. definitely not. so we'll see.

2. subpopculture (brainstormed in late 2004): this book is probably the furthest from completion as of now. my hope was to describe and offer clever insight into the people pop trends (what's cool) among the group of people i considered myself a part (my subculture), in much the same way that chuck klosterman did with his cultural buddies in fargo rock city. the other play on words was the subpop record label out of seattle, and their role in cohering a group of people who liked much of the same art, music, tv, movies, and books.

3. the great sodiak nation (brainstormed and started in summer 2007): this is probably the furthest along in development, since i have written a couple chapters and have a few others briefed out. basically it's the creative, narrative story of my life right now--living with the people i've lived with the last few years, doing the things i do, trying to find my way through the world with my various jobs, interests, activities, friends, and travels. the only thing that held this up (aside from being busy, but that's easy to overcome) is that when you're writing about what's currently happening, there's no real sense how any characters are going to change, what the penultimate experience is going to be, or the overall reason why someone would want to read the book (it's kind of the problem illustrated in will ferrell's stranger than fiction movie). so i've been toying with making up a fictional ending, or acting like something bigger and more unifying actually happens. on the other hand, it could be one of those books where nothing big really happens to unify and give closure to the plot. but for some reason, both these options seem somewhat cliche and cheap. instead i'd much prefer that something big did happen in my life. but i certainly can't force it.

4. the practical environmentalist (likely to emerge from dissertation, brainstormed in 2007): so this is likely the book that i'm working on in full force, and it's going to get done decently soon. i plan to have a draft by late july if not by late may. the remaining questions i have for this project revolve around who my audience will be, and whether to use this title (which i really like) for a book that will be quite scholarly. if the dissertation to book revision process makes it more engaging and interesting to everyday readers, then i'll be fine with this. otherwise, i may be calling it volume i (the scholarly approach), and will have to follow it with one or two more volumes that could appeal to a wider audience.

5. don't sweat on my stuff... and it's all my stuff (first brainstormed as a satire in 2002, secondary approach of cultural criticism started in spring 2007): i have included some of the second approach here (last spring/summer i think) along with an explanation of the title: how it came to me in a dream where i was on a book tour. this idea may reemerge next year if i teach a cultural studies and consumerism class. but otherwise, it's probably the second lowest on my list to complete right now.

so there's my list as they currently stand. whenever you publish something like this (even on a blog that nobody reads), it does make you a little cautious (or paranoid? take your pick) because you really want to write these books before someone else does, or before someone else writes something with the same title or something like that. it makes me want to copyright the title, or to do the next best thing in today's internet age, register the domain name. but i haven't yet. and maybe i should. what are your thoughts? are there particular books of these that you'd like to read, or some that you definitely wouldn't? any feedback is appreciated as always, as is your continued readership. i will try to remain committed to writing here for a while, but i just never know when i'm going to become incredibly busy next these days, so nothing's guaranteed. you can always set up an rss feed of the blog so that you don't have to check here unless i write something new. that might work...

this song is a good song, one that i've been playing on guitar and with my housemate some recently. i have listened to it regularly for the last six years, and enjoyed it for years before that even. and as i said in title of this post, i hope you're resting quietly. and i hope that you're okay. take care...

goodnight elisabeth by counting crows

i was wasted in the afternoon
waiting on a train
i woke up in pieces and elisabeth had disappeared again
well i wish you were inside of me
i hope that you're okay
i hope you're resting quietly
i just wanted to say

good, goodnight elisabeth,
goodnight elisabeth
goodnight elisabeth
goodnight

we couldn't all be cowboys
some of us are clowns
and some of us are dancers on the midway
we roam from town to town
i hope that everybody can find a little flame
me, i say my prayers
then i just light myself on fire
and i walk out on the wire once again
and i say

good, goodnight elisabeth,
goodnight elisabeth
goodnight elisabeth
goodnight

i will wait for you in baton rouge
i'll miss you down in new orleans
i'll wait for you while she slips in something comfortable
and i'll miss you when i'm slipping in between
if you wrap yourself in daffodils
i will wrap myself in pain
and if you're the queen of california
baby i am the king of the rain
and i say

good, goodnight elisabeth,
goodnight elisabeth
goodnight elisabeth
goodnight

the moon's a satellite yeah
now won't you fall down on me now
won't you fall down on me
come fall down on me now
wont you fall down on me
'till i'm all alone
you ain't coming home
you just settle down down down into bones
i said i'm all alone
you ain't coming home
you just settle down down down into bones

washed out in the flood

2008-02-06T20:43:00.000-06:00

one of my favorite books when i was little was euphonia and the flood. it was one of my dad's favorite books to read to me, along with cloudy with a chance of meatballs and alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. euphonia and the flood tells the story of a woman, her pig friend named fatly, her broom, and her boat. when the creek in front of their house floods everything, they go on a boat trip down the creek, stopping to pick up a few extra friends, and finally stopping to have a picnic at the end of the line. i liked the story when i was younger because of the phrasing, things like (if i remember correctly): "roll over, fatly" said euphonia, and the pig rolled over fatly... or: and marianne (the boat) floated along nicely, thank you (the boat always did whatever with a thank you). i like the story now because i think that it offers a good way of dealing with natural events--how to get along with them and work with them, to use them to build community and to have fun.

now perhaps this is a very inopportune time for me to be writing this, in the wake of devastating tornadoes in the south, which seem to me to be six or more weeks earlier than they should be arriving (not to mention the tornado in wisconsin in january, which is unheard of)--i'm more likely to point to a changing climate that will change severe weather potential, possibly allowing, even encouraging such extreme events. and i wish that we were doing something to deal with climate change from the front end, and also doing more to set up support structures for the back end. am i talking about enjoying life and having fun when tornadoes destroy people's homes and take people's lives? no. certainly not. but a little spring flood along a creek--is that something to live with? yes. but that hasn't been the traditional response among americans. rather, it has been to build bigger and bigger, and more expensive (and also less suitable) dams, and to control floods and rivers, decreasing the riparian flood pulses that allowed for rivers to be interesting, to meander, to deposit nutrients, to allow for the regeneration of cottonwoods and willows along the rivers i know and love so much.

people have a tendency, or desire, to live close to nature or interesting places and things, but then they have the secondary tendency to eliminate all the excitement, nature, or wildness from the very places that made them so attractive in the first place. it's all for the protection of their homes (from floods, from forest fires, from wild animals). but there's an existential and a social/political cost. the existential cost is the loss of experience where things are only slightly in our control, and the wonder and excitement that accompanies that. the social/political cost includes the insurance bailouts, the federal disaster aid, the loss of meandering streams and recharging aquifers, and the politicization of something that used to be up to nature. the existential/political cost comes when the corps of engineers decides who should have water, when and where, rather than the weather and geography determining that. as my grandfather said once, it was a lot easier to deal with a flood or a drought when it was nature's decision than some person living hundreds of miles away. he called it a real grievance. and i agree. i'd much prefer euphonia's response to a flood that arrives on my doorstep: find a canoe or boat and my favorite pig (or other friend) and go figure out where the flood came from or where it's going, and then use it meet my neighbors, to have a picnic, and maybe to get out in the world.

it's the start of second semester here tomorrow morning, and i met with my independent study student (kind of an awkward phrase) this evening, planning out some projects and readings. it should be an interesting time. and i may end up with a couple more (students who can't seem to get into classes they want). even though i'm not getting paid for it (and i'll have advised nine independent projects this year), i still feel like this is the best kind of educational experience. i took full advantage of these kinds of opportunities as an undergrad, and i remain committed even now. the other things i did today include playing basketball (want to get addicted to that), watching basketball (wish i did less of that), feeling stunned at the shaq/marion trade, and writing the first few pages of an introduction to my thesis. of course, this is the fourth or fifth different introduction i've worked on, and i haven't been happy with any of them, but this one promises to be okay. i'm using will ferrell's earth to america clip as the framework in which to introduce and discuss the clip. and i think it might work.

if i can finish the more creative introduction tomorrow and get to the literature review part, that should go much faster since i've written a literature review with some basics in my master's thesis, and the preliminary exams can also serve as good "stock writing" (like stock footage for video editing). i addressed many of the issues that will be covered while writing my exams, and they should just need to be rearranged, edited, and in a few places developed in the context of the larger project. once i get this done (it will also serve as my prospectus to defend at the end of the month), it'll be on to analysis, and that's where the scholarly life should get fun and interesting.

i would guess that many of my readers aren't entirely up on their wetland/river hydrology, and since that's a big part of my work in modeling the effects of climate change on wetlands (and because i almost became a phd student on river modeling), maybe a little primer here would be good. my job as an ecological modeler is to use systems of mathematical equations to approximate how wetland surface water dynamics (the water that you can see) change when the climate does (if it becomes hotter, and either wetter or drier in this area of the continent). what this means practically is that we have observations of actual wetland surface water depths, and we have a model that does rather well to predict those surface water depths based on weather inputs. we calibrate the model (make the observation dots line up with the simulation dots), and then we use the model to predict responses under various climate scenarios in various parts of the prairie pothole wetland region (parts of minnesota, iowa, north and south dakota, montana, alberta, saskatchewan, and manitoba).

the important thing to do when calibrating the model is to get the spring flood pulse (where water from snow melt and rain goes into the wetland) and the summer/fall drawdown (where evaporation off the water surface, drainage into the groundwater aquifer, and evapotranspiration by plants causes water to leave the wetland). getting these two dynamics to fit right (with all of the factors that contribute to them) can be tricky, but after working on this for a few years (and having previous models that have done it rather well for single basin wetlands), we're now working on papers that give results of our work. it's really quite interesting and fun, and i'm looking forward to having more time to spend on the research and presentation of our work.

in keeping with the theme of this post, the cycle of flooding and drawdown is different for different wetlands, and the wetlands end up with different classifications depending on how long they generally hold water. a permanent wetland would be a lake (and in some cases, even they dry up sometimes), but we mostly study semi-permanent, seasonal, and temporary wetlands (in decreasing order based on how long they hold water). because they have different sizes, shapes, and flows among basins, there is a very large diversity even within these types. but just as interesting, because of their size and elevation in the landscape, they also can fill up at different times of the year with rain events, and even have different times when the snow and ice melts and makes them functional wetlands. in other words, the spring flood pulse is slightly different for different places and wetlands.

in the end, climate change will cause wetlands to get more water earlier in the calendar year because a winter/spring warmup will occur earlier most of the time. but the wetlands will also dry up much faster with high temperatures and different distributions of precipitation throughout the year and in terms of number and size of precipitation events. we've published a number of papers on these topics and have studied the effect that land-use decisions and management can have on these wetlands also, so it turns in to a big interesting topic. this time around, we've even brought in three economists to help us scientists understand how climate, crop prices, and land use relate to each other and to wetlands--it promises to be quite interesting. the take home message here is that if we aren't all that interested in a destabilized or messy world (in terms of climate, food and water, human health and wellbeing, animal and plant species long term prospects, etc.), we need to do something about climate change, because we're already going to experience some of the messiness associated with these changes, and we should probably minimize it. i won't go into detail here, but i'll write some more later about this.

now, i don't make a habit of writing about my day-to-day life here, and i'm going to try to stick to that. but in order to keep the content a little more regular, i'm going to allow myself to do a little more present/personal writing, falling more into the traditional blog genre. forgive me if that's a turn-off. but i'll continue to stick with the song lyrics (or other similar media that i recommend you check out). today, you even got two (a children's book and a song). i might also write about interesting books or other things. obviously the theme of today is flooding--rivers and creeks, children's books and real people's lives (like my grandfather, and me), wetland flood pulses and the life of an ecological modeler, and music lyrics.

i remember i first heard this song when i watched monumental, a documentary about david brower, the sierra club leader, called endearingly or otherwise the archdruid. the video itself was quite interesting for a biographical documentary, but more importantly, the soundtrack was very good, and this was my favorite song. i had heard of this group before, perhaps even listened to them a little, but i went and got the album and have enjoyed it ever since. this is still my favorite song (second is slipping through the sensors), and i hope you'll enjoy it also.

when you love somebody by the fruit bats

baby, remember on the bus and my hand was on your knee.
when you love somebody, it's hard to think about anything but to breathe.
baby, i am the cub who was washed out in the flood,
when you love somebody, bite your tongue, all you get is a mouthful of blood.

when you love somebody, it's hard to figure out, it's hard to figure out
when you love somebody, it's hard to think about anything but to breathe

a piece of the game

2008-02-03T22:39:00.000-06:00

it's been a hectic month or more. in some ways, it has been a saner experience, but it's still been busy. so this will be the update order this time around.
1. superbowl
2. election primary
3. teaching
4. research
5. babies
6. a song

1. superbowl

i start with the superbowl because it happened tonight. a few people came over to my house--mostly friends of housemates, along with my brother and his friend. we had a good day--some good food, watched a good game, and then played a short game of football in the first annual lotion bowl, under the lights, in the backyard, and it was great. as far as game analysis goes, i was hoping for either a new england blowout or a close game that new england would win (note that this doesn't cover all the options: i didn't think they would win by 14 or anything).

the game was close. new england lost, which was slightly disappointing to me (i emerged as a patriot supporter, mostly because i like their wide receivers). the commercials were solid enough (i liked the fedex pigeon one, budweiser's training montage, and will ferrell's bud light out-takes). i thought that the giant athletic trainer (been there since 1948) sparked the funniest comments at our party. and i definitely don't think that eli manning deserved the mvp even though i find myself impressed by the overall play of the giants. i thought the first two drives eli played well (INT wasn't his fault), and after that, he was definitely nothing special. the play that made the game for them was beyond lucky (just try catching a ball between your hand and your helmet while getting tackled, after eli had three guys pulling him down), not to mention all of the potential turnovers, especially on the last couple drives when just about every single eli throw could have been picked off (and these would have been his fault). in any event, i wanted moss, welker, and belichick to win the superbowl, but i started to like strahan over the last few weeks. my mvp would be the giants' defense, especially tuck.

i have to say i probably watched more nfl games this year than i have in 8-10 years at least because i have next-room-over access to a nice tv. this has been good in some ways, but mostly i could probably handle doing something a little more useful, creative, and/or active with this time (the same could be said for college basketball, and to a lesser degree, the nba). i think it does tell me that making this a little more deliberate would help. on the other hand, i've gotten done with a lot over the last few months, so i'm really not too upset or frustrated.

2. election primary

so it's primary season, and i have a lot of thoughts about the election as so many other people likely do. even though i'm on break right now (and a much needed one at that), i decided not to travel until after the primary here in mn on tuesday. it's a caucus, so it will be a new experience for me. i've had five phone calls from the obama campaign, none from any other democrat, and this morning i had a recorded voice message from the ron paul campaign (too little too late i think).

when the obama people have called me to remind me to caucus, and to ask whom i support, i always say, "well, dennis kucinich, obama, hillary, edwards, and probably a few other people who aren't currently running." they respond, "so who would you vote for, or who do you support specifically?" i respond, "probably obama." they thank me and hang up sooner or later.

regarding republicans... first of all, i think that our country needs a regime change, and the republican candidates can probably make some small claim to this, but i think it's far weaker than the democrats. recently the republicans had control of much of congress, the executive branch, and a lot of influence on the current makeup of the supreme court. this is in addition to the stronger ties of republicans to corporate interests, which i find to have far too much power in the u.s. today, especially multinational corporate conglomerates. this has cascading effects into the corporately controlled media (and journalism is supposed to be the fourth estate). so yeah, i think that the republican/neoconservative group has had far too much power in recent years, and i don't think that they've done a very good job with that power. i think that in almost every way, our country (and from a trickle-down standpoint, my life) is much worse off than it would have been had al gore been president for the last eight years. and i'm willing to live with that.

beyond the regime change argument, i think that the republican candidates are far worse (less intelligent, worse policy plans, corporately controlled, that sort of thing) than the current democrat candidates. many of the things that i would like for our government to do have a better chance of happening with democrats than republicans: strengthening health care, doing something about climate change, dealing with issues of poverty and responding to domestic problems (see katrina, etc.), and improving the economy along with increasing international peace and stability. not a bad list... of the current republican candidates, i would much prefer john mccain than mitt romney because he is more centrist/independent, more intelligent, and would do much better with the above issues. ron paul would shake things up, and in some ways, has circled the spectrum to represent a libertarian version of kucinich. some things he would do would be okay. others would not only upset me, but possibly throw us into a messy international confrontational state.

i guess i support obama even though i feel hillary is probably more intelligent or competent, or something (not quite sure how to say it). obama is a better speaker. he's a better leader, with better vision. i think that hillary resembles john kerry more than i would like, from a candidate makeup point of view, certainly not physically. she seems to me to be a good, intelligent senator, and i would certainly support her for president. what she lacks in charisma and speaking ability, she makes up for in intelligence and competence. none of the candidates in either major party has as much international competence as i might like (exceptions being biden, and to a far lesser extent, mccain), but it seems like this is something presidents pick up rather early in their tenure.

i think that obama would have a better chance of beating mccain or romney when it comes to swing voters. for a number of reasons, hillary is a household name and has been able to run on name recognition for the very same reasons that she will have a hard time with swing voters. i'm not sure why people dislike her so much, but here's my theory, and it relates to media undercurrents and simple socialization. during bill clinton's administration, hillary was in the spotlight for two main reasons: her liberal-ness early on (92-94) that included her part in health care and gun legislation; and second, her strange way of handling (or perhaps not handling) the bill clinton sex scandals of their various types. she was in a catch-22 situation, and it's unfortunate that bill put her in that--for her and for him... in my view, had he not had that scandal, he might very easily be considered one of the better presidents we've had, certainly in the last fifty years.

because hillary was talked about by conservative talk radio (rush, hannity, etc.), and because a large number of people listened to this (nowhere close to a majority, but let's say 2-5%, just for the sake of a thought experiment), chances are that any person who knew any conservative people ended up talking about the problems with hillary at some point in their lives, and they realized themselves that some people really hate her, and also that many people would have strong questions about her. this had a social (larger) effect, basically because people knew someone who really had a problem with hillary. this makes her unelectable in their view, and this tendency to question her spread. this is analogous to the point that i try to make to young people who care about the environment, or perhaps don't eat meat: what you need to do is try to make caring about the environment normal to all your relatives and friends, so that even if they don't care too much, they at least recognize that someone they know and care for does care. this has a transitive property of algebra, with perhaps some bit of weakened power.

before continuing, i should say that i really like edwards, and have since 2004. he made my decision difficult, and i really appreciate the populist, help-the-less-lucky people out approach he had. relating this back to football, i have to say that the standard thing i hear about rooting for underdogs in sporting events--all while not working harder to help the less fortunate americans and global citizens--is one of the stupidest and most hypocritical things i've ever heard. it matters so much less whether you cheer for the giants vs. the patriots, or the twins vs. the yankees, than if you make deliberate decisions to help smaller businesses (rather than walmart or target) or vote for candidates that will do the same (edwards' populism, or kucinich's positions come to mind) rather than supporting multinational corporations and the candidates they heavily subsidize (mostly republicans). in other words, i know a lot of populist, somewhat libertarian republicans that i like, but i know very few neo-conservative, corporation-supporting republicans that i like (though there might be a couple who are okay on a personal basis... they just don't have things figured out in a community sense).

in any event, in a perfect world, i would vote for kucinich because i support many of his policies more than those of others (i have a whole theory i should write up about kucinich and the primary season debates... forthcoming). in a slightly less perfect world, i might vote for hillary or obama equally (a toss-up) because hillary has more of some things and obama does better on others. but in the world i'm living in, with my desire to elect someone who will do something about climate change and health care and those types of issues, i want a democrat with the best chance of winning in my uncertain, guesswork view. and right now, that's obama. i think he matches up better against republicans.

3. teaching

teaching a january term class was awesome. though i can't say i like spending january in minnesota, i definitely enjoyed spending time with my students, thinking and talking about issues i find really important. the course was a first and second year history seminar on environmental discourse, and we considered presidential discourse, early and contemporary nature writing, climate change and other crisis rhetoric (which worked quite well with the focus the nation events on campus), and other kinds of discourse and communication (media, academic, physical/material landscapes and stuff, that sort of thing). i had seven students, so there was no place to hide--we all did the readings, did the assignments, and learned a lot together. i was able to give more feedback (quantity and quality) to my students because i didn't have fifty of them, and while it was oftentimes draining and busy, i found it quite worth it, and i think they did also. we took field trips and had guest speakers, got food in the campus cafe and pizza place, and got to know each other pretty well. i also had a couple independent study projects (one on green blogging and the other on animal photojournalism) that went quite well, and my off-campus internship advising didn't require much from me, but i'm looking forward to speaking with my students when they return to campus. there were numerous assignments and activities that i found very interesting, but i have to say that some of my student projects (along with their interview projects) were amazing.

4. research

my wetlands and climate change research was on a back-burner yet again (got some work done and will be focusing on that for the next couple weeks), and my dissertation research was nonexistent until the last few days (again, more of a focus the next few weeks). i wrote a book review for publication that i'll be submitting tomorrow morning, and i'll be working on my dissertation when i get up tomorrow.

5. babies

friends and family continue to have more and more babies, or at least get pregnant, so i find myself purchasing more and more copies of the book _having faith_ by sandra steingraber. this is one of the books that will be a focal text for my dissertation, so i know it rather well (and have had my students read sections of it in four courses i've taught now). but i just wanted my friends and readers to know that if they are pregnant, thinking about getting pregnant, or know someone else who is, please get this book and have them read it.

i think the experience will be worth their time, and i think it will make the best case possible for why anyone who cares about babies, infants, or the next generation, should also care about their environment, and should make sure that they are electing leaders and making personal decisions that protect the environment, because if you get beyond the word "environment" and all its other connotations, it really is the world around us, our homes, our air, our water, our food, all those things that we depend upon, and that we need to take care of for them. i don't have kids, but there are far too many kids and infants that i care very much for, and sometimes i wonder about the disconnects in our lives: why it's okay for neighbors to frown upon someone who doesn't make their lawn look perfect, or abuses their pets or yells at their children, but we don't have the same social indignation or call to action when someone does something that hurts our air, water, food, or earth generally. or even uses up resources, or despoils things that our children might like to have around, that might make their lives a little better. again, this is a rant, but it's an important one.

6. a song

we've been playing a lot of rock band in our house lately. it's a video game, yes, but it's a very social one, and almost imaginative (we have our own band name and personas), not to mention slightly more active than just thumb action. but it's not the only social dumbed-down musical experiences i've had lately. last night, my housemates and i went to karaoke (for two of us, for the second saturday in a row), and i sang this song (along with let her cry by hootie and the blowfish and take me home country roads by john denver). and the important thing about karaoke is to go all out, to give much more to the song and the experience than might be necessary. but that's what makes things interesting and fun. on a side note, the song below is difficult to sing with karaoke because the first line doesn't have any music cue--it's much easier with a live band where you can sing it, and then everything else can start. i've also been playing more guitar in the last month than i had in four plus years, so it's been fun to get back into it (not that i ever really played much guitar--more bass and keyboards). so that's been good.

as far as this song goes, my early memories of it were from my first year of high school when it was released, and i listened to the mellon collie cds quite a bit. i liked the songs a lot, especially track 1 on the pink cd, the piano one. they stopped near my hometown on the tour also (in sioux falls, sd) which was awesome (got everyone with their arms up in the air yelling, and then told everyone "you can wave your arms all you want, but you're still just rats in a cage"). but i remember my band trip to florida to play in the orange bowl parade, and my chair partner on the bus would sing this song and just scream "what do you GOT" and so we both started yelling that. it was obviously memorable, and now i'm singing it for karaoke. screaming "GOT" as loud as i can. have a pleasant night, or day. take care.

bullet with butterfly wings by the smashing pumpkins

The world is a vampire, sent to drain
Secret destroyers, hold you up to the flames
And what do I get, for my pain?
Betrayed desires, and a piece of the game

Even though I know - I suppose I'll show
All my cool and cold - like old Job

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

Now I'm naked, nothing but an animal
But can you fake it, for just one more show?
And what do you want?
I want to change
And what have you got, when you feel the same?

Even though I know - I suppose I'll show
All my cool and cold - like old job

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

Tell me I'm the only one
Tell me there's no other one
Jesus was the only son, yeah.
Tell me I'm the chosen one
Jesus was the only son for you

And I still beleive that I cannot be saved

looking for somewhere to stand and stay

2007-12-07T14:27:00.000-06:00

when life doesn't have any more room, it's usually the blog that goes first (as i think it should). writing online is not something for which i have even a slight addiction. it makes sense. i also like to take as much of a break from email and the internet as possible during the summer. during the school year, i'm usually attached to it as a security blanket for my students, answering questions, staying up to date on things (so i can be a good resource, that sort of thing).

but i'd like to cut back on (a) email, (b) facebook, (c) random surfing, (d) following johan santana trade rumors, (e) wasting time online. i'd much rather "waste time" offline, in (f) conversation, (g) reading, (h) letters, (i) doing those sorts of things. but like so many people i know--friends, colleagues, statistics--i work too much. this fall i've been working on wetland/climate change research (summer through october), studying for and taking preliminary exams (summer through wednesday--i passed, and am now a phd candidate), and teaching two courses at saint olaf college.

for more on climate change and wetlands research, check out our site.

for more on my preliminary exams, let me know if you'd like me to send you the answers i wrote for the six written exams (three 24hr and three 2hr exams, totaling close to 30,000 words, or about 100 double-spaced pages--i realize only afterwards that i wasn't doing anyone a favor, myself or my examiners by writing so much). or just read what i pasted below. the written exams were followed up by ~2hrs of four professors asking me questions to clarify my thoughts and demonstrate my competence on a number of subjects. i'm glad to be past that, and i'm looking forward to writing my dissertation over the coming months. the current abstract for my dissertation runs something like the following:

Contemporary environmental literature serves as pragmatic equipment for living, helping readers to think through, to make decisions, and to act regarding complex social-environmental issues. Through the development of a “pragmatic ecocriticism,” this dissertation examines how particular texts—by Kathleen Dean Moore, Bill McKibben, Sandra Steingraber, and Scott Russell Sanders—provide readers with a more useful and situated equipment for living in contemporary times than the equipments developed by earlier texts and authors (e.g., Thoreau, Muir, Carson, and Abbey). These equipments from contemporary environmental writing are then extended to complex social-environmental situations of the near future: climate change, peak oil, and technological innovation (such as nanotechnology and human augmentation) in order to evaluate their continued utility in changing times.

let me say a little bit about teaching also. i have two courses this fall, and i'm preparing to teach a course in january. this fall i have 28 and 18 students, for a total of 46, which is more than enough, but not bad for two courses overall. last spring in one course i had 37 students, and it just felt like too many.

the first course is a introductory writing course. my chosen topic is "the future" so students have spent the semester thinking, reading, discussing, and writing papers about what the future might be like. i divided the course into three main future scenarios, or pressures, or directions: climate change, human augmentation and biotechnology, and peak oil. in each of those sections we read a book and watched a video in class in order to understand what the future might look like.

climate change
book: field notes from a catastrophe by elizabeth kolbert
video: an inconvenient truth

human augmentation and biotechnology
book: radical evolution by joel garreau
video: gattaca

peak oil
book: the long emergency by james howard kunstler
video: the end of suburbia

we spent the last couple weeks of classes discussing how these various views of the future might relate to each other, or have effects on each other, because all too often, people buy into one of these futures and forget to consider the others. the world, and the future, is much more likely to be messier than that. and that means really messy.

the second course is called "saving wild places," and it is taught through the environmental studies department as course that fulfills general education requirements in historical perspectives and oral communication. i really have enjoyed teaching a speaking course that is also content-centered. we read a couple of the normal essays and texts on the topic of wilderness and wild places (historically) and the criticisms or developments of these ideas, then expanded the view to wild places in cities (even watching a film called urban explorers: into the darkness) and other countries, and ended the course with research projects on topics of students choosing, with more of a contemporary, political, and in some cases international approach. we read some less traditional texts on the topic like nature noir by jordan fisher smith on being a park ranger, and everyone really appreciated jenny price's essay "thirteen ways of seeing nature in l.a."

in the end, it has been the same old story, only more pronounced for me this semester. i love my students, i love my courses, and i love the conversations, discussions, research projects, and excitement these courses brought. i love reading papers and trying to give feedback to make students better at all these things. but i still hate grading, and i'm convinced this will never change. i was a grade-oriented student at different points, and i appreciated and devoted myself to the grades that i received as a student.

but i was always, and still am, more learning oriented, more feedback oriented, and more process oriented. it becomes ever more so when i have to assign grades because i feel like all too often, it distracts from the feedback and commentary, from the enjoyment of research, that sort of thing. grading is a very important incentive and motivation to stick with things, to get work done, to remain committed to school and learning--this is why so many people have a hard time remaining motivated to learn once they leave school--other things distract, and they have less incentive to keep it together. but i don't think i'll ever like the small acts of putting grades on papers or feedback forms.

this coming january i'll be teaching a first year history seminar on environmental discourse. i was going to teach this course second semester also, but among a number of factors (me being a virtual unknown with no web presence for myself or my course, first years not knowing what environmental discourse is or caring, new registration systems, that sort of thing), neither of my offerings had very good registration. we've canceled the course for spring, and the january term doesn't have that great of enrollment either. this is one of the frustrations of being a young and new teacher. this is the way i'm reading the response because otherwise i'd have to say people don't like me or my teaching (on that, i think the jury is still out).

but i am enjoying the task of planning my course, what the readings, lectures, activities, assignments, and challenges will be. i'm also excited for the january and spring independent study projects i'll be advising. in january, these include "animal photojournalism" and "green blogging" (and an internship abroad on ecotourism in costa rica). second semester the topic of my independent study will be humane environmentalism (william cronon's phrase for a better contemporary environmentalism that exists in recognition of complexity and historically dynamic social-environmental relationships).

another exciting thing for this january here on campus is the focus the nation festivities, which we will be doing january 15-16 rather than the 31st (because we aren't in session then). for that, i will be speaking on the topic of "how we talk about climate change, and why it matters." as i said, i'm excited to see how big of a deal this can be this january and spring.

because my course has been canceled for spring, i'll be spending most of my time writing my dissertation, visiting my favorite places (the white-missouri rivers' confluence, the black hills, etc.), and my family/friends. i'll possibly be looking to travel even further afield than the normal sodiak places, so let me know if you'd enjoy my presence for a bit.

to change the focus of this note, living in northfield has been an interesting change of pace this fall. i really love the saint olaf community, and i've stayed busy that i don't really need lots of things to do or places to eat (like in the twin cities), but it has been quite a change from my last four years.

i used to work harder to get a hold of new music, to stay up to date on these sorts of things, to go to concerts (in college, most of my disposable income was spent on concert tickets, books, and musical instruments; now i spend money on food, rent, and books). i ordered the radiohead box set and have listened to the tracks for that some. i've listened to some random songs on cds given to me by my brother (lollipop by mika, drivin me wild by common, chinese translation by m. ward, etc.), especially to the national. this song wasn't the first song that stuck out on a mixed cd, but it's probably the one i've settled into the most over the last few months.

slow show by the national

standing at the punch table swallowing punch
can’t pay attention to the sound of anyone
a little more stupid, a little more scared
every minute more unprepared

i made a mistake in my life today
everything I love gets lost in drawers
i want to start over, i want to be winning
way out of sync from the beginning

i wanna hurry home to you
put on a slow, dumb show for you
and crack you up
so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain
god i’m very, very frightening
i’ll overdo it

looking for somewhere to stand and stay
i leaned on the wall and the wall leaned away
can i get a minute of not being nervous
and not thinking of my dick
my leg is sparkles, my leg is pins
i better get my shit together, better gather my shit in
you could drive a car through my head in five minutes
from one side of it to the other

i wanna hurry home to you
put on a slow, dumb show for you
and crack you up
so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain
god i’m very, very frightening
i’ll overdo it

you know i dreamed about you
for twenty-nine years before i saw you
you know i dreamed about you
i missed you for twenty-nine years

my daemon

2007-12-07T12:24:00.000-06:00

i read the golden compass books a while ago, and haven't returned to them, but liked them very much. i may go back and read them again before seeing the movie. the question for now is: does this daemon fit me? in a couple days, i'll weigh in and write what i think my daemon would be.

let's run away

2007-07-24T23:01:00.000-05:00

so i read harry potter 7 yesterday. i just took the day and read it, and it was worth it. i highly recommend the series and the book. i continue to be happy with what rowling did. i won't say any more right now.

the twins keep losing.

i played kickball today rather than my normal tuesday night ultimate frisbee (because i was back in my hometown for work). i kicked in two runs in the first inning and scored a run myself. in the third, i tried to stretch a run-scoring single into a double, basically ran into the outfield while rounding first (the field was so small), and got out, preventing the run from scoring (i'm stupid). in the fifth, with two out and runners on second and third, i kicked a pretty good one deep into left, but it was caught. so yeah, i stranded three runners in scoring position, making me worst player of the game (maybe not really, but....). the game ended up tied after six innings with the game needing to finish up to make room for the next team.

last weekend i played a bunch of ultimate, and i had a great time. i wasn't feeling the best about how well i was playing, but my team needed me to play some points, and i could do that, and play hard defense (mark in the cup, mostly). it reminded me of ron gardenhire talking about how important it was for ponson and ortiz to eat up innings as starting pitchers earlier this season for the twins.

is the blog-i-ness of this entry getting to you? i figured it would be. now i just need to start emoting about the girls i like or something like that.

but lest you fear, i spent my drive between homes writing down a list of albums that i consider important to me, in a situated way. in other words, i am not in this case going to go back through and decide whether some album has withstood the test of time, but rather let you know what albums i liked at various points in my life--what was important to me. and i encourage you to come up with a list like this of your own. think back to every year of your life--as best you can--perhaps do a little research to find out when certain albums were available, or remember what you were doing when you listened to something in particular. that's what i spent four hours in the car doing today, and i think i did pretty well. you should try this and post it here or send it to me.

for some reason, this summer i've felt like this... (yes, i'm trying to make this the bloggiest entry possible still)

i think i need a new heart by the magnetic fields

time stands still
all i can feel is the time standing still
as you put down the keys
and say don't call me please
while the radio plays

"i think i need a new heart"
"i think i need a new heart"

you've lied too
but it's a sin that i
can't tell the truth
cause it all comes out wrong
unless i put it in a song
so the radio plays
"i think i need a new heart"
just for you
"i think i need a new heart"

cause i always say i love you
when i mean turn out the light
and i say let's run away
when i just mean stay the night
but the words you want to hear
you will never hear from me

i'll never say "happy anniversary"
never stay to say "happy anniversary"

so i think i need a new heart
i think i need a new heart
give me time

and i will hang my head low

2007-07-18T22:59:00.000-05:00

i just finished reading harry potter and the half blood prince. it's my second time through the book, having read it the day it came out last time, and again now in anticipation of the next one coming out.

rowling does an amazing job of growing her writing with the characters, both with her writing and with understanding what is going through their minds at various stages in their life, even when it makes her otherwise likable characters a touch annoying.

as i finished the book tonight (having read all of it today, along with doing a considerable amount of work), the following song came on, and i actually started crying. i definitely did not expect that reaction, but between being quite emotionally involved in the story, frustrated by the twins second straight one run loss, and other things, i guess it makes a little bit of sense. more than anything, the end of the book combined with this song really did it. what an excellent song. i leave you with it.

the crane wife (3) by the decemberists

and under the boughs, unbowed
all clothed in a snowy shroud
she had no heart so hardened
all under the boughs, unbowed

Each feather, it fell from skin
‘til threadbare, while she grew thin
how were my eyes so blinded
each feather, it fell from skin

and i will hang my head, hang my head low.

a grey sky, a bitter sting,
a rain cloud, a crane on wing.
all out beyond horizon,
a grey sky, a bitter sting.

and i will hang my head, hang my head low.

i smell something in the air

2007-06-20T10:47:00.000-05:00

been a while? ten weeks i guess. pretty long break from this, but that'll happen. since i last posted, i finished the second half of the semester's teaching, started working full time on wetland research, planted many trees, seen a bunch of relatives, played a lot of frisbee and a little soccer, bought a bike i love, started studying for my preliminary exams (six exams covering three areas, each over the material in 30-40 books and articles), wrote a paper on the pop cultural history of sweat (in commercials and ads for gatorade, deodorant, and sweatin' to the oldies), went to a conference in south carolina where i presented some research, and had some great fun in my two homes (brookings and minneapolis). two things i'm looking forward to doing more this summer are camping and grilling.

i guess a statement summarizing ten weeks of life doesn't really help much. i'll be on my computer a bunch more this summer than in previous summers (reading, writing, studying), which usually means i'll take more breaks by writing on here. when you do a bunch of academic stuff, it starts feeling weird if you don't interact with the world a little bit. so we'll see what i can do. but just to give you a flavor for some of the academic stuff i did this spring, i'll paste a few paragraphs from my paper below. read if you'd like. but make sure that you look at the song lyrics below (and find a way to get the song) if you do skip the academic stuff. after all, i did take the time to write them out (because i don't think they're on the internet. the song came my way through emily, steve, and before him, his roommate in france. it's good and perfect for this time of year.

* * *

In American culture, whether you want to “Be like Mike,” or flag down a taxi, sweat matters. Much like eating, sleeping, and breathing, people spend a bit of each day sweating: sometimes more or less depending on one’s geography, job, leisure time activities, and choice of deodorant. So what? Can close attention to mass media and consumer culture tell us anything about sweating, and more specifically, can a focus on the historical dimensions of sweat tell us anything about commodity fetishism, studies of gender, and theories of the consumer? In other words, how does sweat matter not just to people’s personal lives, but also to the larger question of mass media and culture? .......

Consider socialization first as only a set of norms to which people adapt. This view would indicate that people care only about fitting in, or about deviance, depending on the particulars. In some cases (what colors are seasonably fashionable, etc.), this is enough. Yet in the cases of wearing deodorant, drinking Gatorade, or exercising with Richard Simmons, it’s not just about what other people are wearing or doing, but about what helps a person get the performance or activities or smell or body-type that she/he wants. But it’s also not just meeting a consumer’s rational desire because products aren’t always just things that people own, but solutions to problems, advice, or ideas.
In the past, this kind of social learning took place predominantly among family members or small, face-to-face communities, but the advent of mass media, combined with consumer capitalism, brought a kind of social learning that was less face-to-face, or even person-to-person, but rather face-to-camera-to screen-to-face, and person-to-idea-to-business-to-corporation-to-worker-to-product-to-media-customer. The degree of indirect interaction grew exponentially, but it also allowed for capitalists and creative entrepreneurs to benefit—through copyright, patent, and trademark—from their ideas, thereby encouraging as much useful social learning as possible. This all came at the expense of a predominantly consumer-driven market with the potential for manipulation of dupe-consumers, and the satisfaction of consumer desires for stuff, services, and experiences.
This translation toward market-mediated, indirect interaction also meant that people often miss out on the practical advice, proverbs, and wisdom of their communities and families, which brings me to the subject of self-help books. Much like advertisements related to better sweating practices (through deodorant, Gatorade, or exercise videos), self-help books fill a certain void in people’s lives, offering useful advice on relaxing, being successful in the workplace, better family members, decorating their house, or raising upstanding children. Self-help doesn’t stop at books, as it is now quite prevalent in TV series like Dr. Phil or Nanny911 (turning dystopic homes into utopic ones), or reality shows (in some cases, showing what dystopias really look like).
Self-help books, newspaper columns, and television spots satisfy people’s desires: to learn how to solve social problems on a microcosmic scale, to watch other people work through difficult situations, to hear interesting, exciting, or heart-tugging stories, to be entertained. They also construct, identify, and respond to anxieties created by “duped” consumers, people reading books or watching programs that weren’t available or necessary 50-100 years ago. But as many theorists have said before me, the desires and anxieties were likely there before the products and self-helping mass media.
In other words, telling the story of self-help is not so different from telling the story of sweat in advertising. People sweat, or in some cases don’t sweat enough, and they wish to sweat better. The reasons for this are because people are now doing activities where performance is improved with a new product (Gatorade for professional athletes), because people wish for their sweating to be done in designated ways (through exercising rather than work), and because people wish to sweat when, where, and how they want (in exercise facilities or at home rather than on the job, and certainly not on a date or while wearing an expensive dress). With self-help, people feel like they are somehow deficient or in a difficult situation (too much stress, too much work, not enough money, messy house), and they want to solve their problems.

* * *

barbecue by wendy rene

i smell something in the air, you know it smells like barbecue
if i had some i wouldn't care because i like barbecue

well, i like barbecue
you like barbecue
we like barbecue
you know i sure like barbecue

sister's out back sittin' in the swing, she wants some barbecue
little brother's on the porch doin' handsprings, singin' i'd like some barbecue

well, i like barbecue
you like barbecue
we like barbecue
you know i sure like barbecue

my old dog has got a bone, and he wants some barbecue
i've got an old gray cat sittin' on the stone, and he's beggin' for barbecue

well, i like barbecue
you like barbecue
we like barbecue
you know i sure like barbecue

here comes pop from up the street and he's got some barbecue
all the kids are startin' to pat their feet because they want some barbecue

it may be roughgoing

2007-03-30T00:39:00.000-05:00

i have the spring break disease, and it's good. nothing all that much happening really--i wake up, do some grading or some research/brainstorming, go for a run or throw a frisbee for a while, and eat some good food somewhere in there. life in southern california is pretty nice, even when the weather is a little cool for the area's norm. in other words, i'm having a great time with my friends kevin and tracy (among others). i've went to some classes, played basketball, and watched a swimming meet. grading 37 takehomes--each 8-9 pages--takes a little bit of time.

besides that, i've had some very strange dreams of late. i'll tell you about a couple. last night, i dreamed that i was in a futuristic world where i was an advisor and contributor to physics research involving abstract algebra and particle physics. after walking through a lecture hall that had been converted to a research facility, i hurried to strategy practice where we were playing war games of some kind--a la ender's game--it was weird. probably the strangest part was that the place was funded by one of my friends from back home, and i had a strange feeling that in the dream, i was my son (who has yet to be born/conceived).

two nights ago, i dreamed that i was a top player in a kind of war game that took place on melting ice chunks in a very large lake or sea. i was a champion player at this sort of blood sport--a team sport actually, and my team included my three brothers and a couple other people. after we had won a game, an unfriendly fellow came up and challenged me to a duel. i really didn't want to, but i did after a little bit of persuasion. then we started out on the ice floes--it was such a weird sport--somewhere in between dodgeball and paintball and soccer. i guess like a non-magical version of quidditch. i was getting sick of playing on the ice bergs and wanted to push the game to land, but just as that was happening, the other guy fell in and was eliminated.

this song is awesome.

make your own kind of music by the mamas and the papas

nobody can tell ya
there's only one song worth singing
they may try and sell ya
cause it hangs them up
to see someone like you

but you gotta make your own kind of music
sing your own special song
make your own kind music
even if nobody else sings along

it can't be nowhere
the loneliest kind of lonely
it may be rough going
just to do your thing is the hardest things to do

but you gotta make your own kind of music
sing your own special song
make your own kind music
even if nobody else sings along

so if you cannot take my hand
and if you must be going, i will understand

but you gotta make your own kind of music
sing your own special song
make your own kind music
even if nobody else sings along

one another in equal amounts

2007-03-18T18:22:00.000-05:00

woo hoo! spring break! kind of... and it's over, and it never even really started. i've been home for a few days--mostly to watch a womens basketball game, get my car looked at (need a new power steering pump), and see my family--but mostly i spent the weekend watching ncaa basketball (men/women, ncaa/wnit). i did a bunch of grading and some writing, so it wasn't a total waste. next weekend i'm flying to california during my more real spring break. that should be nice--i'm excited for some warm weather and some time to run around outside--i haven't done that in far too long.

in middle school, i usually walked to a tropical fish store after school. more often, i had some after school activity: basketball, wrestling, mathcounts, science olympiad, choir, band, science fair, most anything except soccer, which meant driving to sioux falls or practicing far from school. this tropical fish store was the meeting place, the safe haven really, for nerds like me. i didn't have some deep abiding interest in fish, though we did have fish at some points. i was into buying little pewter figurines that my brother and i turned in to painted chess sets. i never did much roleplaying, but some people there did. i played a lot of abalone and other strategic games there. i even played magic and read comic books sometimes. but mostly i went there because it was a nice place to go to hang out, to be smart and cynical middle schoolers, and to have a candy bar and minute maid orange soda every once in a while (late in my eighth grade year, i cut down on carbonated beverages in large amount, up through the present).

but the thing was, i wasn't just a nerd. i was best friends with the best athletes in my grade, and i was an athlete (soccer, basketball, wrestling, swimming). i did the music stuff (band and choir), but i also played bass in a middle school rock band (the first ever in my town's history). and in all of that, i was both a little loser (as a sixth grader), a nothing (a seventh grader), and popular (eighth grader). try understanding that as a study in middle school identity formation and popularity.

but back to the fish store. my oldest brother hung out there, as did his high school friends, who were also nerds--they all did roleplaying (star trek and dungeons & dragons)--he ended up getting big into the society for creative anachronism and made a chain mail coat and learning to swordfight with armor and baseball bats. all of us boys got really into swordfighting--medieval from the oldest one, and martial arts-based from the second one. it was crazy.

i spent a lot of money there. earlier in my life, i had spent a lot of money on baseball and basketball cards. later in my life, i spent most of my money on musical instruments (guitars, keyboards, etc.). perhaps my most dominant memories involve walking there after school, stopping at the used book store on the way, and getting something to drink. our school finished class at 3:15, and many of the non-athletic after school activities were done by 4. so at the store, i'd look at whatever new stuff the owner had gotten in that day--he was a coworker of my mom, teaching math at the college, very nice guy, and a pretty cheap babysitter--and then find someone to play in a game of magic, or play the store owner in some kind of strategic game, often chinese checkers or aballone. i'd stay there till 4:45, then call home to have my mom come pick me up, and walk to the public library, check out a couple books and wait for a ride home in time to watch jeopardy back when it still started at 5:00. if i didn't get the call in on time, i'd stay at either the fish store or the library until 5:30 as my parents were done watching jeopardy.

my time back then is so strange to remember because it wasn't the best time of my life--i especially disliked 6th grade (probably my least favorite year of school)--but i still did fine and had a place to go. in ninth grade, a coffeeshop opened downtown, not far from the fish store, but i had already gotten beyond nerd games. in my first year of high school, playing in my band, playing soccer, and working on debate had already become the dominant activities in my life, leaving little time for nerd games. those activities stuck all through high school, and even influenced my college experience pretty well.

in the following song, i took out most of the 'are you alright?'s, which i think will make the lyrics a little clearer. this is definitely one of those simple songs, both lyrically and musically, but it works for me, just like most of her songs do.

are you alright by lucinda williams

are you alright
all of a sudden you went away
i hope you come back around someday
i haven't seen you in a real long time
could you give me some kind of sign
i looked around me and you were gone
i feel like there must be something wrong
'cause it seems like you disappeared
'cause i been feeling a little scared
are you alright

are you sleeping through the night
do you have someone to hold you tight
do you have someone to hang out with
do you have someone to hug and kiss you,
hug and kiss you
hug and kiss you
are you alright

are you alright
is there something been bothering you
i wish you'd give me a little clue
is there something you wanna say
just tell me that you're okay
'cause you took off without a word
you flew away like a little bird
is there anything i can do
'cause I need to hear from you
are you alright

if the above song is very good, the song below fits in my amazing category. it's still simple and still somewhat formulaic for her work, but it's beautiful and does just what it should.

what if by lucinda williams

i shudder to think
what it would mean
if the president wore pink
if a prostitute was queen

what would happen then
how would the world change
if thick became thin
and the world was rearranged

if the rains brought down the moon
and daylight was feared
and the sun rose too soon
and then just disappeared

if dogs became kings
and the pope chewed gum
if hobos had wings
and God was a bum

if houses became trees
and flowers turned to stone
and there were no families
and people lived alone

if buildings started laughing
and windows cried
and feet started clapping
and out came inside

if mountains fell in slivers
and the sky began to bleed
and blood filled up the rivers
and prisoners were freed

if the stars fell apart
and the ocean dried up
and the world was one big heart
and decided to stop

and children grew up happier
and they could run with the wolves
and they never felt trapped
or hungry or unloved

if cats walked on water
and birds had bank accounts
and we loved one another
in equal amounts

south dakota winds blow me home

2007-02-18T18:12:00.000-06:00

the glare of my computer screen doesn't tan my skin the way i'd like, it doesn't feel warm, and the computer's heat on legs probably isn't healthy. but that's how i live during the winter, when i freeze going outside and have a constant reminder why winter sports are so hard when it's 15 below zero. i love the outdoors, and i love being active, but both of those activities tank when it's this cold out, and i become a slow-moving, tired, often sick, and cerebral sort of guy. i try to convince my housemates to play board games, they try to convince me to watch movies, and i end up spending most of my time typing up papers. at times, it's academically useful, but i still miss the spring. and i'm ready for the 40 degree temperatures we're supposed to have this week.

i've spent the last few months trying to write a paper--a future chapter of my dissertation--on the topic of hope, especially along the highway in between my homes in south dakota and minnesota. i can't say how interesting the paper is (someone else will have to be the judge of that), or whether it is much of a scholarly contribution, but i did find it useful to figure out what i think about the topic of hope. even more so, i found the process of writing, rewriting, and writing again to be a good, if lengthy process.

you see, all too often i find that people who study environmental issues are forced to reckon with two things, without enough of a third. they encounter loads and loads of environmental problems--climate change, extinction, pollution, consumption, waste. and they encounter theorists destabilizing both how they've thought of environmental issues (i like wilderness; people damage the environment) and indicting the easy solutions already in place (let's set up national parks; let's participate in sustainable tourism and organic food). they rarely hear about helpful, hopeful, working solutions to environmental problems, or ways of thinking about environmental issues more generally. and i think that this could be improved. and i'm trying to figure out how. i guess if you want to read the first installment of my thoughts, let me know, and i'll send you the paper, but i'll warn you that it isn't short. if you want something shorter to fill your time, track down a copy of this song and listen to it.

what i like about this song, aside from the fact that a friend wrote it, is that it tells a good story about someone's life and loves at home, complex and ambiguous as they are, never trying to be too good/moral, yet not trying to be overly deviant either--it's not about being an angel or a devil, a puritan or an alcoholic, just someone with some experiences back home with friends. right now, i'd like to pretend that it were warmer and that i had a year to spend however i want, guilt-free and economically able, hanging out and playing soccer, hiking in the black hills or the boundary waters, sleeping in a tent or walking cross-country, picking up a few more experiences to write about along the way. but i'll have to wait on that for now.

south dakota by the lonesome crowded east

yellow lines are painted on
all the roads that I drive on
when I'm in south dakota.
I get off work, no where to go
another summer with my friends back home
spent dancing and drinking
in my friend's basement.
We bike drunk across the town,
I pass out on the ground
just watching the summer pass in a blur.
The setting sun means soon I'll go
head out east, and I don't know
just when I'll see you again

so let's pretend
that you'll remember every moment of every single day
let's pretend that you'll stay in touch after we part ways
let's pretend that a thousand miles isn't very far
let's pretend that we're different... even if we're not

we go camping in the west
two dumb kids who are at their best
just finding love for the first time.
it starts to rain on our tent,
so we stay in, and we invent
words to all the songs that I can never remember.
driving home on 29
I can't believe it's almost time
to try to forget that you ever existed
so I hold my breath
and I hide every clock
hoping you won't realize how late it's gotten

so let's pretend
that you won't leave when september comes and rears it's ugly head
let's pretend that this night will last, tomorrow won't begin
let's pretend that every song I wrote just for you
let's pretend that we're different... even if we're not

South Dakota winds blow me home
and I'm tired of sleeping and drinking alone
so I close my eyes and pray for another year
hoping when I open them, you will be here

our hull aground

2007-02-12T00:30:00.000-06:00

if i were to make an excuse for not writing recently, it would be how busy i am, how much i've been writing for my classes, the research i've been doing, the games of settlers of catan i've played to keep myself sane.

but i don't need that i guess. what i need is more of a reason to write on here, to feel like it's worthwhile, not just for me, but that others enjoy it. and maybe they do, but it's hard for me to let them when i don't write. so i'm to blame, and i'll try harder.

i can't wait to tell you the stories i've thought of lately, and even more importantly, i can't wait to tell you about what's happening in my life right now--teaching at saint olaf college, a place where students seem just as engaged with the course as i am, where they seem motivated to learn environmental history. it should be a good thing.

the following song has one of my favorite rhyming lyrics of recent days: dirigible and untraceable--i'm not sure how this guy pulls it off. i like the flow and beauty of this song, but just as importantly, i've been reading an amazing book lately: the pine island paradox by kathleen dean moore. in it she reflects on environmental ethics while blending those thoughts with her experiences on and around an island in alaska. i appreciate her book so much that i sent her an email today, and i hope she responds sometime. so making our homes on the water is something i'm thinking about lately, my times spent in boats and in the water itself these many years. in particular, i have some of the most vivid memories of fishing and boating with my family on lake thompson in east central south dakota. really just a big slough, it's become a lake and stayed that way the last twenty years. amazing place.

sons and daughters by the decemberists

When we arrive, sons & daughters
We'll make our homes on the water
We'll build our walls of aluminum
We'll fill our mouths with cinnamon now

These currents pull us 'cross the border
Steady your boats, arms to shoulder
'Til tides are pulled our hull aground
Making this calm harbor now home

Take up your arms, sons and daughters
We will arise from the bunkers
By land, by sea, by dirigible
We'll leave our tracks untraceable now

When we arrive, sons & daughters
We'll make our homes on the water
We'll build our walls of aluminum
We'll fill our mouths with cinnamon now

Hear all the bombs, they fade away

mittens and socks

2006-12-03T23:16:00.000-06:00

i listed these lyrics a year ago when i first started listening to this song pretty often, but this fall sufjan released it officially, and i've noticed that unlike most songs, the lyrics aren't on lyric websites, so people are coming here for the lyrics. if so, i'll just note that i transcribed these from listening to it (a year ago), so they may not be quite right--the only place i know i'm wrong is the uncle's name. if you're here for the lyrics, enjoy--thanks for stopping by. suffice it to say, i love this song, and it's the first one to have the lyrics posted twice.

come on! let's boogie to the elf dance by sufjan stevens (or boogey)

tie up your boots
jump off the ladder
pack up your clothes
nothing's the matter
mistletoe hangs up in the bedroom
your sister's bangs, she cut them herself

santa is here
sleigh bells are ringing
twenty one elves
they are all singing
kmart is closed
so is the bakery
everyone's home watching tv

santa claus is coming
hear the banjos strumming
santa claus is coming
hear the banjos strumming

chestnuts and fire
holly and hay
jesus and mary
what a great day
evergreen tree covered in snow
tower of babel tower of glow

there's aunt marie
and uncle bob
they give us good gifts
like mittens and socks

hijack a snowplow
clear out the streets
tell all the neighbors
there's cookies to eat

get up off the floor and get in the shower
there's a lot to shout about
santa claus is coming to town
he's got the greatest gifts around

away in the manger
no crib for a bed
little lord jesus lay down his sweet head
the stars in the sky look down where he lay
the little lord jesus asleep on the hay
the cattle are lowing the baby awakes
little lord jesus, no crying he makes

the chesapeake knight

2006-12-03T19:02:00.000-06:00

probably the most fun and exciting thing for me in the last couple days involved writing an "epic" limerick for my niece. perhaps i'm stretching things to describe it both as "epic" and a "limerick" considering the definitions of the two words below (from infoplease's glossary of poetry terms):

epic
A long, serious poem that tells the story of a heroic figure. Two of the most famous epic poems are the Iliad and the Odyssey by Homer, which tell about the Trojan War and the adventures of Odysseus on his voyage home after the war.

AND

limerick
A light, humorous poem of five usually anapestic lines with the rhyme scheme of aabba.

however, that's the best way for me to describe it. it's not terribly serious compared to the iliad, but it does tell the story of a heroic figure. there are twenty limericks (or twenty stanzas) making up a story about my niece, my brother, our cat, his dog, and my parents. for your reading pleasure, here's one stanza--if you'd like more, just email me for the poem in its entirety. i'm going to see what i can do about illustrations for it sometime over break, and then we'll see what can happen.

Well, the cat, he kept running all night
And swore they’d never ever catch sight
Of his black and white fur
‘Cause the real saboteur
Was Charlie, the Chesapeake knight.

so that's been a little of my excitement lately. nothing can really compete for my time as much as grading and teaching, but i try to work on dissertation and prelim exam work when i can. i am really looking forward to the end of this semester at this point, which is quite close in terms of time, but quite far in terms of work to be done.

the following are my month playlists from october and november, having made minimal changes to them lately. as always, i really appreciate when people introduce me to new and good music (not just new), so send me recommendations, especially if it seems slightly out of character with these playlists.

october 2006 playlist

friday i'm in love by the cure
sunny road byh emiliana torrini
smart went crazy by atmosphere
not an addict by k's choice
high hopes by pink floyd
to be young by ryan adams
popular mechanics for lovers by beulah
on the radio by regina spektor
long way down by guster
hubris by rebels victorious
how it should be (sha sha) by ben kweller
the beauty of the rain by dar williams
we are the champions by queen
sunset soon forgotten by iron & wine
because the night by 10,000 maniacs
untitled one by sigur ros
alien by bush
no surprises by radiohead
3rd planet by modest mouse

november 2006 playlist

no children by the mountain goats
for martha by the smashing pumpkins
keep it together by guster
i of the mourning by the smashing pumpkins
sugar pie, honey bunch by the temptations
wasted and ready by ben kweller
wild honey by u2
are you lonesome tonight? by elvis presley
nightswimming by r.e.m.
linger by the cranberries
i think i need a new heart by the magnetic fields
river by joni mitchell
everybody hurts by r.e.m.
in god's country by u2
just wait by blues traveler
don't be scared by andrew bird
bird stealing bread by iron & wine
i will follow you into the dark by death cab for cutie
where've you been hiding by architecture in helsinki
old college try by the mountain goats

the cities to the swamplands, the highways to the hills

2006-11-17T12:03:00.000-06:00

a year and a half ago (or so), my brother and his friends and their roommates all came up with their top 25 favorite songs, songs that they would tell other people to listen to, that are as important to their lives as any they know. i made my list then, and since then i've told other friends to do the same. after telling one such friend earlier this autumn, she asked me to send her back my own responses--only fair really, but i didn't feel like sending her my list--it felt outdated somehow (even though there's a lot of overlap. so i guess it means that my choices, then and now, weren't timeless. and that's fine. but here's the list i compiled this morning (rather than grading, researching, or writing--i've done enough of those in the last few days). write to me (or post) what your favorite 25 songs are--i'd love to know.

1. The Valleys by Electrelane
2. California One Youth and Beauty Brigade by the Decemberists
3. To Sheila by the Smashing Pumpkins
4. First Song by Andrew Bird
5. Naked as We Came by Iron and Wine
6. Anthems for a Seventeen Year Old Girl by Broken Social Scene
7. He's Simple, He's Dumb, He's the Pilot by Grandaddy
8. Vito's Ordination Song by Sufjan Stevens
9. Gold Day by Sparklehorse
10. Exit Music by Radiohead
11. Untitled One by Sigur Ros
12. Distortions by Clinic
13. Sleepy California by Her Space Holiday
14. The Golden Age by Beck
15. Autumn Sweater by Yo La Tengo
16. Pink Bullets by the Shins
17. River by Joni Mitchell
18. The Execution of All Things by Rilo Kiley
19. Such Great Heights by Iron & Wine
20. Transatlanticism by Death Cab for Cutie
21. Samson by Regina Spektor
22. Predatory Wasp of the Palisades by Sufjan Stevens
23. Don't Just Do Something by Spiritualized
24. If You Could Read my Mind by Johnny Cash (Gordon Lightfoot)
25. Up Above the Sea by John Vanderslice

Others (not ordered):
Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd
Kissing the Lipless by the Shins
Konstantine by Something Corporate
Come On! Let's Boogey to the Elf Dance by Sufjan Stevens
The Dress Looks Nice on You by Sufjan Stevens
Both Hands by Ani DiFranco
Falling is like this by Ani DiFranco
Don't Ever Fucking Question That by Atmosphere
Shhh by Atmosphere
New Slang by the Shins
Where You've Been Hiding by Architecture in Helsinki
Go Ahead by Rilo Kiley
Sleeping In by the Postal Service
Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk by Rufus Wainwright
Wild Honey by U2
The Mariner's Revenge Song by the Decemberists
The Tain by the Decemberists
Morningwatch by Dolorean
Sixteen, Maybe Less by Iron & Wine and Calexico
Photobooth by Death Cab for Cutie
Oceanside by the Decemberists
Red Right Ankle by the Decemberists
Rebellion (Lies) by the Arcade Fire
Frontier Psychiatrist by the Avalanches
Popular Mechanics for Lovers by Beulah
Lull by Andrew Bird
Nature Anthem by Grandaddy
Broken Household Appliance National Forest by Grandaddy
Jed's Other Poem (Beautiful Ground)
Pale Horse by John Vanderslice
Recycled Air by the Postal Service
No Children by the Mountain Goats
Love Love Love by the Mountain Goats
Barbeque by Wendy Rene
Reservations by Wilco
Black Star by Radiohead
Street Spirit by Radiohead
Nice Dream by Radiohead
Everything in its Right Place by Radiohead
In the Aeroplane Over the Sea by Neutral Milk Hotel
We Close Our Eyes by Oingo Boingo
Mr. E's Beautiful Blues by the Eels
Fresh Feeling by the Eels
On the Radio by Regina Spektor
Fidelity by Regina Spektor
High and Dry by Radiohead
Viorar vel til Loftarasa by Sigur Ros
Oh My Sweet Carolina by Ryan Adams
Lover's Spit by Broken Social Scene
Heart by Stars
Don't Be Scared by Andrew Bird
I See a Darkness by Bonnie Prince Billy (Will Oldham)
The Bagman's Gambit by the Decemberists
The Engine Driver by the Decemberists
Absolutely Cuckoo by the Magnetic Fields
World at Large by Modest Mouse
Lovers and Aeroplanes by Rebels Victorious
Pull Shapes by the Pipettes
The Bus Mall by the Decemberists

as always, the list above is hugely incomplete--it doesn't capture close to all of the songs i find important to my life, now or in the past.

considering that i'm writing a paper on highways, and how they transect a variety of landscapes (swamplands, cities, hills) and environmental issues, i figure this is a good song to mention here. i think that the effect of these lyrics is amazing--use a bunch of common experiences, but then combine them in strange ways.

old college try by the mountain goats

From the housetops to the gutters
From the ocean to the shore
The warning signs have all been bright and garish
Far too great in number to ignore

From the cities to the swamplands
From the highways to the hills
Our love has never had a leg to stand on
From the aspirins to the cross-tops to the Elevils
But I will walk down to the end with you
If you will come all the way down with me

From the entrance to the exit
Is longer than it looks from where we stand
I want to say I'm sorry for stuff I haven't done yet
Things will shortly get completely out of hand
I can feel it in the rotten air tonight
In the tips of my fingers
In the skin on my face
In the weak last gasp of the evening's dying light
In the way those eyes I've always loved illuminate this place
Like a trashcan fire in a prison cell
Like the searchlights in the parking lots of hell
I will walk down to the end with you
If you will come all the way down with me

all that i care for is

2006-11-11T11:11:00.000-06:00

my friend has woken up already, gotten coffee, and continued reading thoreau, as i checked my email messages and news. it's not his first time through walden i know--it wouldn't be mine either, yet this time through is richer for both of us now that we both have studied thoreau so intently--i'm reminded that graduate school is good for something after all, and that's a pleasant thought for a busy phd student. we spent most of yesterday talking, sharing quotes from books we're reading, thoughts about programs and writers, all the while eating good food.

today promises to be just as pleasant, though the cool air of the outside world feels crisp compared to the warm and pleasant odors of cafes, living rooms, and restaurants. and the smell of this season is almost too much for me, flooding me with memories of hikes back home, of warmups before end-of-season soccer games, of decomposing leaves in my favorite forests. especially the last of those. there's something about cool--still tolerable--air of my face, and perhaps the hint of the smell in the air. i can't think of anything i'd rather be doing than walking slowly through a forest, leaves bending and sometimes breaking, like once-malleable plastic turning to thin and somewhat flexible glass before decomposing at speeds that neither glass nor plastic can hope to rival. i've hiked in many forests, in floodplains and creekbeds all over the area. and today, with the cool air of autumn, i'm ready for that kind of hike again.

i'm a busy guy, needing to grade an unfortunately large number of papers this weekend, so i compromise, and i mean that in both senses of the word--the pragmatic and pejorative--allowing myself some enjoyment while getting some work done, but also selling my desires short--this is a special day, a sunday when a best friend is visiting from a distant place (california). it won't be the perfect day, the perfect walk, in the perfect streambed. but it'll have to be good enough, to be one of the memories i keep from this fall, the kind of memories that keep me happy and stable through the cold winters when i spend so much time indoors. it'll have to be good enough. and it is. combined with a frisbee game later that day, the short walk refreshes, clarifies, makes real that i'm a person, living a real life, not just a being that grades papers, reads books, and does research. these fall walks make me happy, give me motivation and meaning.

although i'm often wrong about these sorts of things (and quite enjoy being wrong), i think that the end of the warmer side of autumn has come--it's likely the rest of the official season will be much cooler, with more wind, snow, and cold. winter is coming, and i'm committed to enjoying it as much as i can (i'm an outside sort of person, and it's harder for me to be outside as much in the winter here).

so i figured i'd try out the following--show you a few of my memorable moments of fall, at least a few that i captured on camera--there were many more. even though it has been a busy semester, it's also been an important time for me--i've learned much about myself and my desires for the rest of my life. i guess i'd even say it's been full of meaning.

i'll start with my new neighborhood. i really love where i'm living now--part of it is the house, but i also really like the neighborhood--the cafe a block away, the relaxed setting. i think this picture gets at some of the beauty of the place--though i walk here often, most often these walks have been after dark, and it's nice that i feel safe here, that it's quiet enough to collect your thoughts rather than worry about traffic.

the neighborhood is great, but perhaps this picture of the creek just south of my house captures the beauty and wonder i find in little walks, whether i'm with someone else, or by myself. this particular picture was taken the day i describe in the short narrative above--the creek and the trees and the sky and the air were beautiful that day. thanks, kevin, for going on your walk, and for letting me walk a ways with you.

it's hard to follow that picture with any depiction of natural beauty, so i'll turn instead to a place that holds great memories along with hopes for the future. this spring i'll be teaching at the college i attended just a few years ago--it's kind of a quick return i'll admit, but i'm excited, and quite truthfully, there are few things i'd like more than to be teaching at this particular place. the small number of places that hold this much meaning in my life are limited, and the very building in which i'll have my office is the same building that first inspired me to attend college at saint olaf. it looks beautiful any time of year, but when the vines have changed color as they did this fall, i find it quite spectactular.

i find a lot of beauty in natural things, but i think that holland hall manages to bring that same kind of beauty (slightly transformed, organized, designed) into the world of people and buildings. it sets the bar high for how a building should age with the landscape, should grow into its life as it ages. fall leaves capture my attention in much the same way, whether they're on trees, on the ground, twirling through the air in miniature swirls, or breaking into pieces and becoming soil. these leaves capture a softer kind of beauty as they moved in the breeze.

finally, the beauty of autumn can be shown in the sunset skies, when so many of the things i love about our earth come together. if i look for hope and engaged action in the world and look beyond the people i could mention--people who are working just as hard as i am to shape the world--when i look for this kind of hope displayed in the landscape, i find it every time. here i find it in a sunset framed by the work of caring students, engaged faculty, devoted institutions, and in the good work of many people, most of whom i'll never meet. i'm thankful for the diverse group of people and non-people that shaped my experience of autumn this year.

where you've been hiding by architecture in helsinki

stuck at your front gate
with some pictures i just want to hand ya
almost made the door knock twice
broke down on your verandah

turn the dry concrete, into wet concrete

i can't find you anywhere
i can't find you anywhere
so i wrote you a letter in capital letters
saying all that I care for, all that i care for is...

where you've been hiding,
where you've been hiding

which way the habits collect neatly
upon your stairs
which way we'll slide down them discreetly
leaving 'em for dead

when I find...

where you've been hiding

cliches that don't rhyme

2006-11-09T23:56:00.000-06:00

when reminiscing about your childhood, the key is to try to remember things you don't have pictures of--it's much more difficult, but you feel a lot better about it once you're there. true, it is fun and interesting to remember things that have some picture reminding you of the event, but all too often i feel like those memories are more of the picture than of the place--it's almost like telling a story really--once you've told a version of the experience, you remember telling the story a certain way, more so than the experience itself.

some of my strongest memories of growing up in an expanding neighborhood (no more vacant lots on my block any more) are of the huge dirt piles that were made behind the houses, when the basements were dug and the foundations were put in. these were the urban wilds my brothers and i cherished (along with the foundations and framed houses themselves). we would dig holes, make forts, play king of the mountain (and yes, i fell down more than my share of times), and even sled down the mounds if they lasted into winter. the house which shares a backyard with my own seems like it's been there forever--most of my memories of the backyard come after the house was there, most of my time playing soccer, tag, and baseball (along with the more imaginative games too involved to describe here) came after the house was there and the dirt mound cleared out.

yet a vivid memory i have, a foolish memory really, involves this dirt mound in our backyard, before it was moved back to fill and landscape the yard there. my mother's college roommate and her family were visiting (i didn't really know who they were, or what connection they had to us, but they seemed nice so i spent time hanging around with them--i've now been on the other side of this experience, spending time with kids who probably don't understand who i am or why i'm visiting their family, who i am at all really).

the former roommate had a grown son, probably as old as my older brothers, but he was a lot nicer to me than they were so i liked him. and he had this squishy watery-balloon type toy that was fun to throw and catch--it had tougher rubber skin than water balloons, but was squishy and yellow like them (my favorite color at the time). and we went out on the dirt mound and played some games--mostly king of the mountain this particular time, which i wasn't very good at, being the smallest, but i did give them trouble because i didn't care if they threw me down the mountain--i'd climb right back up. usually i never won such a game because by the time i managed to be the only one on top of the hill, the others had stopped playing and i had been left alone (i had a longer attention span i guess).

and that's most of the vivid memory--i could describe what the day looked like, the smell of the dirt, the feel on my continually-bare feet of black top soil packed into chunks i would sometimes break, pretending i was strong enough to break rocks--sometimes i would do this for hours on end (or when visiting my grandparents, i would spend hours digging up a single rock embedded in their gravel driveway because i liked rocks so much and thought this was a good one). i could describe the view of the sparsely settled neighborhood on the south side a small south dakotan town--a view from the mound, like the view from our roof one of the best views available since they weren't good climbing trees at this house, not yet--i always had to climb trees at my grandparents' farm, but there i exercised this chance wholeheartedly.

i could describe how young i felt, how willing i was to look up to older people who seemed friendly, who seemed to care because my brothers were always competing with me (and usually winning) or beating me up or making fun of me for being dumber than they were. it wasn't a bad life, and i'm pretty sure it's a pretty normal life for anyone who happens to be the third of four boys. and it was my life, and it was good.

and more than anything, i know it was never captured on any camera ever, my normal, everyday times in the backyard, my little standout moments when some little toy or person made a special guest appearance in my life for an hour or two when i was five. so i try to hold out for those memories, to fish for them in my slightly grownup head.

below is my october 2006 playlist. i admit that it isn't as unified or purposeful as some of my previous lists, i do like it for its diversity, both in terms of style and in terms of the songs' relevance at various times in my life (from we are the champions--a song i would turn on with my parents 8-track player back when i was four years old--to songs from high school, college, and the last week or so).

not an addict by k's choice
friday i'm in love by the cure
sunny road by emiliana torrini
smart went crazy by atmosphere
high hopes by pink floyd
the world's not falling apart by dar williams
to be young by ryan adams
popular mechanics for lovers by beulah
on the radio by regina spektor
long way down by guster
hubris by rebels victorious
how it should be by ben kweller
the beauty of the rain by dar williams
we are the champions by queen
sunset soon forgotten by iron & wine
because the night by 10,000 maniacs
untitled one by sigur ros
alien by bush

i admit that the playlist doesn't make as much sense as many of my past lists, but it's what i put together this month. enjoy. and if you're into love songs or beulah or the magnetic fields, you'll be interested in this song. when i'm feeling whimsical, i describe the band as post-ska, driving-cross-country music. they're fun and often have a groove/pulse to their music i like for traveling.

it also reminds me of another of my crazy, but in this case i think good, ideas--to release an album called exit 69 love songs. the reference, like the one in this song, is to the magnetic fields' album. but it's also a reference to northfield, the town where i went to college, where both saint olaf and carleton students live. i haven't quite decided how to position the album--whether it should be love songs written by bands/people living in northfield, or perhaps covers of magnetic fields songs played by people from wherever benefiting something in northfield. i haven't decided yet, but for all you people with connections to any of these topics, you should email me (or post a comment) and let me know--i might try to make it happen this spring--we'll see.

but here's the song by beulah--it's probably one of my favorite songs that references other good music in the lyrics--they don't come along all that often, but they're usually successful when they do make such references.

popular mechanics for lovers by beulah

I know he knocks you off your feet
You’re so bitter; you think he’s sweet
Well he’s wrong for you, I swear

Did you forget to read the script?
There was never a role for him
It was always you and me, just me

Popular mechanics for broken hearts could help me now

I know you never felt romance
And we always lack suspense
I can edit those parts out

I never made you feel complete
I would fall beneath your feet
I would never bring you down, so down

Popular mechanics for broken hearts could help me now

Just because he loves you too
He would never take a bullet for you
Don’t believe a word he says
He would never cut his heart out for you

I heard he wrote you a song
But so what
Some guy wrote 69
And one just ain’t enough

And there’s so sense in trying
I know cuz I’ve been
Trying all the time to find something that would make you mine
But all I ever find my love
Are clichés that don’t rhyme

Popular mechanics for broken hearts could help me now

Just because he loves you too
He would never take a bullet for you
Don’t believe a word he says
He would never cut his heart out for you

falling from the branches

2006-10-31T22:03:00.000-06:00

if there was ever a song that matched how i feel today, this is it. not just today either, but any day where i feel worn out, wishing my life was somehow different, mourning the kind of warmth i most enjoy outside. more than that, it's the soreness in my body, how i hurt and haven't gone swimming the last three days because of the aches in my body (no, i'm nost just getting old this time--i really did hit the ground hard, head and left shoulder first).

when i was a first year in college, i was trying to get back into playing guitar--when you're a musician, you're always trying to get back into doing something... at least i am, always wishing i were finding more time to play guitar, piano, anything really. so i was at college, living in an old dorm, trying to find the college experience i was hoping would come (but wouldn't really arrive for a while). and so i played guitar, played the songs my old bands had played. i played the songs i liked to listen to on my computer around then. and i even started writing songs on the guitar, something i hadn't done before (always before my writing was on a piano).

sometimes if it was nice outside, i would walk around the green in front of the dorm, just playing and singing to myself--fake plastic trees, wish you were here, to sheila, stay--almost always walking, almost always outside. once it turned cold, i would play in my room sometimes, and a few times down in the common area, but i always liked playing outside, never for anyone, just myself. i guess that's something that a college kid can do that's much harder while living in a residential neighborhood. but who knows. maybe i just have to give it a try.

i've listened to this song ten times today--almost scary. but i also graded 8 papers, prepared for and taught two classes, prepared for and guest lectured in a graduate seminar, did some research for my dissertation, met with one student, talked on the phone to a best friend, got an email from an old friend, prepared for thursday classes, wrote thirteen emails, talked to my parents on the phone, read thirty emails, and sat blankly in front of this computer for the last twenty minutes. and after all this, just thinking about all the things i haven't done today scares me (if it sounds like i'm complaining here, pay it no attention--i'm just trying to talk myself back into doing something).

is it worth it, finding myself always busy, barely sane (probably crazy), tired, sore, and unable to fall asleep? it has its moments i'll say. and i'm decently productive (i've done better, quite often actually). so i'll have to enjoy the moments, like last friday when i went swimming (and loved it), and then went and sat in como park and graded papers lazily, watching the kids and their parents arrive for the halloween party at the zoo.

don't be scared by andrew bird

whenever paul thinks of rain, swallows fall in a wave and tap on his window with their beaks. and when paul thinks of snow, soft winds blow round his head and the phone rings just once late at night--like a bird calling out, "wake up, paul. don't be scared. don't believe you're all alone." "wake up, paul," whisper clouds rolling by and the seeds falling from the branches of the trees.

the indescribable moments of your life

2006-10-29T11:41:00.000-06:00

"ba-da-oom-cha-oom-cha- oom-cha-ba-da-da-da" is how the year started, at drumline camp, which started even before band camp. it was a grueling day, every day for a few weeks, teaching all the youngsters how to march while playing our instruments, memorizing the cadences and songs, hanging out with new people, being in high school finally. "ba-da-oom-cha-oom-cha- oom-cha-ba-da-da-da" was how the band director vocalized the start of the drum cadence, the way we would start every parade for that fall, how we would end the year at the orange bowl parade, how we get close to 250 people to march in step for 3-6 miles, depending on the length of the parade route. and once we were done marching on streets in the early morning, we'd spend the next few hours working on the field show on the south parking lot of the high school. here the band director's oft-occuring quote was "gonna fly now"--we were playing selections from rocky, and i was the pit percussion kid playing the timpani, having to drag three large kettle drums out to the parking lot, having the director tell me every day that i had to play them louder, to make my playing flashier, bigger. so i would flail my arms, acting like the crazy drummer on a viking boat, keeping the rowers in time.

i was a freshman in high school back in 1995, and i remember listening to this song first on the way to a marching band practice--this was the year of a band trip to the orange bowl parade, so much of my time that summer and fall were spent in preparation (our high school had about 1,000 students that year, and over a fourth were in the marching band--our drumline had six bass drummers, four quints, and ten snares--i played snare).

it was an interesting year in my life--first year of high school, playing soccer, playing music, dealing with the fallout from my older brothers' reputations, running the technical side of theatre productions (sound, lights, construction, destruction), starting debate, finding my core group of high school friends (the soccer-debaters, a core that still lives on at bhs), having crushes on girls in my grade who of course decided to date the juniors and seniors, trying to make sure that we were the best band in high school (something we had yet to achieve), getting pulled over by the large number of police for silly reasons, hanging out with the burgeoning group of guys that played quake, dealing with the two very intelligent girls with lockers on either side of mine who constantly and in good humor made fun of me.

"did ya miss me?" she asked, like she did every morning and afternoon when she saw me at our lockers, in the new addition of the south hallway (a nice place as most of the freshman lockers were here, and because the little debate room was close by). this girl was certainly someone who would be a big part of my life for the next few years--still is, in a way i guess. her sister is now one of my best friends. it's crazy how things work out in a small world like the one in which i live. and it wasn't just the new life of locker-neighbors that was giving my life a richer experience.

"when you score a goal like that, you have to celebrate, brett. come on." i had just curved a ball around the wall from 20 yards out and put it in the upper right corner, and a former teammate (he had graduated the previous spring) watching the game was running up and down the sidelines screaming for me. i admit it felt good, but i was mostly embarassed--i had spent most of my youth trying to get better at soccer (most particularly dribbling and shooting since i never had as much team and practice support growing up in small town South Dakota, one of the last places for soccer to catch on in the United States, and probably the world). I had the second generation of adidas predator cleats, and they were heavy, but the rubber fins on top allowed someone like me to put dangerous amounts of spin on the ball--always before i had shot with knuckle or top-spin, but in times like this one, i was happy to have the curve-giving fins. starting in eighth grade when i played for the high school team, i became one of the guys in school who was known for playing soccer. and i liked it that way. it stuck, until i hit college that is when everyone it seemed could play as well as i could, and i lost a bit of my identity--that's a story for another time though.

the same went for music--not just marching, field, and concert band. i played bass in the jazz band, and then there was my rock band. we were young (our name back in freshman year was under 18, but we could just as well have been under 16). and we were proud. but we tried hard, practiced, recorded, played shows, did everything we could to compete with the college bands in town because there weren't any similarly driven high school bands then (the following year, it took off and peaked my junior year when there were ten or eleven high school bands, which isn't bad for a high school and town of our size). and it was with the people in my band that we shared and developed our love of music and music videos.

the following song and its album came out in 1995. mellon collie and the infinte sadness was the album for this year of my life, much like silverchair's neon ballroom was the album that typified my senior year. i listened to a strange diversity of music back then, but a large part of it was considered "alternative rock," and the videos for this music was actually played on mtv back then (i cut down my mtv watching after 1996 when i started to get annoyed at the other content--or lack of music video content, as i saw it).

the song and the album have been mainstays in my life for eleven years now i guess--that's kind of crazy (and there were a few years when i didn't listen to the smashing pumpkins too often), but there's something beautifully grandiose about the album, and particularly about tonight, tonight. even its video was fantastically designed, bringing a new polish to an oldly styled idea of people in suits playing fancy instruments while floating among the cutout stars and planets. in some ways it was reminiscent of one of my other favorite videos--perfect drug by nine inch nails. the similarities don't stop at the historic outfits of the people--both were based on past work--perfect drug on edward gorey's art, and tonight, tonight on georges melies' silent film a trip to the moon.

tonight, tonight by the smashing pumpkins

time is never time at all
you can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
and our lives are forever changed
we will never be the same
the more you change the less you feel
believe, believe in me, believe
that life can change, that you're not stuck in vain
we're not the same, we're different tonight
tonight, so bright
tonight

and you know you're never sure
but you're sure you could be right
if you held yourself up to the light
and the embers never fade in your city by the lake
the place where you were born
believe, believe in me, believe
in the resolute urgency of now
and if you believe there's not a chance tonight
tonight, so bright tonight

we'll crucify the insincere tonight
we'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight
we'll find a way to offer up the night tonight
the indescribable moments of your life tonight
the impossible is possible tonight
believe in me as i believe in you, tonight

do you carry the words around

2006-10-10T00:22:00.000-05:00

i just finished grading my "in search of nature" class's second papers. i have to say, i was quite impressed, quite happy with them. almost all of the papers were as good as most papers i ever read. some of the papers were good enough that i'd like to publish them, perhaps on here if nowhere else. they were asked to write a story or narrative about finding nature in their lives, whether in their everyday lives, or in some special circumstance.

as always, grading is tiring and draining for me, but these papers were great, concisely recounting walks and bike rides, their work and play, their histories and futures, all the while telling me how they could find nature wherever they looked, if they just looked hard enough. some found this assignment transformative, becoming more aware of their surroundings and the importance of nature in their lives (i think it was probably a more valuable way of engaging this issue than telling them about the trillions of dollars that ecosystems provide in "services"). a few even reacted by saying that thinking about the nature in their everyday lives bothered them, because the nature they rarely experience is what needs the most protection and conservation. i couldn't agree more.

in the end, i am often writing here that grading drains me, which it does. but today, tonight that is, i wanted to say that grading papers can be an amazing experience. but it takes having very good students who engage with the topic and try hard to write interesting and personal stories about their lives. i applaud my students, not only in this class, but also in my other two classes--they are great groups, and good people.

and so tonight, i leave final preparations for tomorrow's teaching until the morning, though i do know what we'll be doing in class then. and i read a new poem titled "cardinal cardinal" by stephen dunn. and i feel good. sore from a weekend of pushing my body, but good. and billy corgan's voice comes across my computer's speakers, singing, "a summer storm graces all of me," and i can't help but feel like this is a special moment in my life, sitting here in the basement, awaiting a winter storm, expected arrival: wednesday. perhaps it's just because winter is coming that i am now listening to the kind of soft and lowkey music that i often turn to this time of year. maybe so. and maybe the bird stealing bread is just a bright red bird taking a seed back to the female in her quiet beauty, and i wish i could watch "the delicacy with which she accepts it."

bird stealing bread by iron and wine

tell me, baby, tell me
are you still on the stoop
watching the windows close?
i've not seen you lately
on the street by the beach
or places we used to go

i've a picture of you
on our favorite day
by the seaside
there's a bird stealing bread
that i brought
out from under my nose

tell me, baby, tell me
does his company make
light of a rainy day?
how i've missed you lately
and the way we would speak
and all that we wouldn't say

do his hands in your hair
feel a lot like a thing
you believe in
or a bit like a bird
stealing bread out from under your nose?

tell me, baby, tell me
do you carry the words
around like a key or change?
i've been thinking lately
of a night on the stoop
and all that we wouldn't say

if i see you again
on the street by the beach
in the evening
will you fly like a bird
stealing bread out from under my nose?

you'll just do it all again

2006-10-08T11:15:00.000-05:00

recently, i brought home a copy of book titled music, the brain, and ecstasy by robert jourdain. my friends and i had been discussing the effects of music on people, particularly those with degenerative diseases (neurological mostly), and i thought this was a very readable and interesting introduction to just such a topic. during my first year at saint olaf, i read and reviewed the book in the math department's newsletter (my wonderful advisor there was trying to encourage me to pursue my very eclectic and strong interests in some interesting and productive way). the book is similar in style to other science journalism where someone learns the current state of the science and tries to tell engaging stories about the topic.

to put it simply, i loved the book and tried hard to get other people to read it. by combining my two biggest interests at that point in my life--music and neuroscience--i considered it perfect. i almost designed my own major on music and the brain; i even wrote up a proposal and found two co-advisors for the major. that year for christmas, i asked my parents for, and received two other books on the topic: the pyschology of music (an academic anthology with a variety of articles on the topic) and the sounds of healing (a more applied book on music therapy). it was all to come to naught, though i've remained terribly interested in the topic. like many other topics with which i've become quite fascinated in my life, music and the brain has fallen by the wayside, but like many wayside wonders on america's highways, i know where it is when i want it again.

the really strange thing is how many of these sorts of topics there are in my past, ideas and pursuits that i have been so incredibly interested in for a while, but that i just don't have enough time or energy to pursue. from a love of rocks and geology when i was 4-10 years old (and still remembering enough when i was in college to do student work identifying rocks), to a desire to play in a band (again, something i did for a large part of my life), from a desire late in high school to get an md/phd in neurological reconstructive surgery (wishing to help people regain sight or recover from paralysis), to a desire to be a college level soccer coach as recently as a couple years ago--all these desires are still strong in me, but every day and year i move further from them as realistic pursuits in my life. and that's somewhat disconcerting, maybe even unfortunate i guess.

but it also means i am choosing something i enjoy very much--i'm not just studying environmental issues and teaching courses on nature and science and technology because that's all i've ever wanted to do. i'm studying environmental issues because i think they're just that important. i think that getting my students to think more about the environment as an important political and social issue may be a key to the preservation of an undiminished world. and i think that realizing the role of ideas, words, discussion, and experience is an important goal for a course in a university setting. understanding the many and complex relationships with the natural world is important, and understanding the how--how human lives, choices, and policies have great impacts on the nonhuman environment--understanding those kinds of how questions may be one thing i can give the students i interact with. it may not be as big or as obvious of an impact as i could have as a lawyer or policymaker or activist, but i think i can have an impact. that's my hope.

on friday, i had a very enjoyable evening, going out to eat with two of my officemates, discussing our department and our future plans, and drinking some good wine. then, yesterday morning i woke up early, graded 10 papers, then drove down to northfield for an ultimate frisbee tournament, played on a team with a former housemate, had a great time getting to know new people, played well in 25-30mph wind (we went 4-0 yesterday), ate a great sandwish at hogan brothers, took a walk around the st. olaf campus (it's beautiful in fall), came home and graded another 10 papers before going to bed. and i liked it. grading is one of my least favorite parts of teaching, but breaking it up with 8 hours of fun physical activities makes grading on a weekend so much easier. now i just need to do something similar today (only one game, up in the cities, but just as many papers to grade).

in the song below, i love the musical choices--they're upbeat, but like most of her songs, the choices are tasteful, pretty, and fun. i really like when she says that she is trying "to find some worms to aid in the decay"--it reminds me of an important environmental issue in the northwoods of minnesota where earthworms are decomposing leaf litter and changing the ecosystem in strange new ways (since there hadn't been earthworms in the forests of minnesota for the last 10,000 or more years, until just recently. at any rate, more often a musician discussing decomposition will be trent reznor discussing the topic in a much less uplifting way.

i also like her reference to november rain, a song that was one of my favorites in 8th grade (i learned to play the piano and guitar parts and would sometimes just start playing them while my band was practicing). finally, i really like how it works according to regina--you love until you don't, you try until you can't, and take the things you like and love them, and help others to love them also. and perhaps most importantly, you hope the love you have doesn't get harmed, but if it does, you try again.

on the radio by regina spektor

This is how it works
It feels a little worse
Than when we drove our hearse
Right through that screaming crowd
While laughing up a storm
Until we were just bone
Until it got so warm
That none of us could sleep

And all the styrofoam
Began to melt away
We tried to find some worms
To aid in the decay
But none of them were home
Inside their catacomb
A million ancient bees
Began to sting our knees
While we were on our knees
Praying that disease
Would leave the ones we love
And never come again

On the radio
We heard November Rain
That solo's really long
But it's a pretty song
We listened to it twice
'Cause the DJ was asleep

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

And on the radio
You'll hear November Rain
That solo's awful long
But it's a good refrain
You listen to it twice
'Cause the DJ is asleep
On the radio

look out of your window at the storm

2006-10-03T21:16:00.000-05:00

i just took a few minutes break from school work, namely writing up the legislative history of the wild and scenic rivers act of 1968--i walked upstairs, put my dishes in the dishwasher, and caught a glimpse of 50 first dates. my housemate commented that it was cheesy, by which i guess he means unrealistic and poorly written. yet it got me to wondering whether anyone's life realistically would ever be well-written. i hope my life isn't cheesy, i even hope that it's not cliche, but i guess i just don't know.

is anyone's life a good movie? i'm tempted to say no. and it's probably not how anyone should judge the quality of one's life anyway. i find my life realistic at the very least, and the relationships i have with people seem pretty realistic. i'm not sure how good the script or the acting is, but the message seems clear--try to be good, try to enjoy life, try to be a caring and responsible person, and be willing to work with things when they aren't quite right.

when i was growing up, my mom would often say to me (the slightly over-stressed, type-a self-starter i was): (god) grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change; the courage to change the things i can; and the wisdom to know the difference. she said this because i had a much larger category of things that i could change than was realistic at the time (but i'll never fault myself for this). my current conundrum (or little worry that keeps cropping up every once in a while) is that i don't know whether i want to become so realistic that i have that kind of wisdom, or whether i want to stay as idealistic as possible, and keep trying to do as much as i can, however i can, even at some expense to myself.

and i'm still sitting here, still waiting for the storm that's been threatening since late this afternoon. i'm still wishing i had more hours in my day, more flexibility in my schedule to enjoy beautiful days, and more life-richness generally. life-richness? i guess life mostly comes down to relationships, experiences, and cares. adding meaning and richness to these parts of life--there's something there. it's not just having friends, but having close and meaningful friends. it's not just going swimming (once or regularly), but making swimming meaningful--sharing it with others, or making it meaningful for oneself, or caring about some other aspect. it's not just about writing a paper on wild and scenic rivers, but coming to some greater understanding of why rivers, and their management, are important in my life, why it is that the rivers that have shaped my history and my family's history are treated the way they are, are understood the way they are, are experienced and lived the way they are.

some of my favorite pictures show my grandfather sitting by the white river, a river that is not designated in the wild and scenic rivers act, but is one of the longest free-flowing rivers in the u.s. it's not the laws or the policies that i value, and it's not even the pictures, but the laws and policies (or, in this case, the lack of them) that have kept this river in much the same state, throughout my grandfather's life. that river is still very similar to the river he remembers it being as a youngster. but the missouri, because of the dams and other laws and policies, the large human hands shaping the river and the surrounding landscape--that river is quite different from how he remembers it--there are no more sandbars like he explored, no more whirlpools like the ones he dove into, and far fewer dangerous, crazy, extraordinary experiences like he had--the kind of rich experiences i value most. the reservoir is beautiful, but there's something even more beautiful, and unpredictably fascinating, about wild, free-flowing rivers.

i don't know of any songs that get at this quality, and i think that's because few people experience the wildness of rivers any more. many more people experience the managed missouri than those who experience the wild white. and that frustrates me, in much the same way as other losses of experience frustrate robert michael pyle in his essay on the extinction of experience. yes, it's true. the missouri is still somewhat wild--there are wild aspects--experiences along the shore of turkeys and coyotes, experiences in boats of waves and storms. yes, it's true. perhaps the river has never been as wild as i can imagine it, and certainly others experienced a river more wild than the one my grandfather experienced. but i feel it somewhat unfortunate that the kind of wild that most people experience now is not the wild missouri or the coyotes that can frighten you at night, the rattlesnakes you almost step on, the rush of your heart pumping, the lightheaded dizziness. the wild, even primal, experiences of nature can still be the sound of rain falling. and that's good. i love the rain so very much. but i often wonder what experiences i'm missing.

the beauty of the rain by dar williams

And you know the light is fading all too soon
You're just two umbrellas one late afternoon
You don't know the next thing you will say
This is your favorite kind of day
It has no walls
The beauty of the rain
Is how it falls, how it falls, how it falls

And there's nothing wrong but there is something more
And sometimes you wonder what you love her for
She says you've known her deepest fears
'Cause she's shown you a box of stained-glass tears
It can't be all
The truth about the rain
Is how it falls, how it falls, how it falls

But when she gave you more to find
You let her think she'd lost her mind
And that's all on you
Feeling helpless if she asked for help
Or scared you'd have to change yourself

And you can't deny this room will keep you warm
You can look out of your window at the storm
But you watch the phone and hope it rings
You'll take her any way she sings
Or how she calls
The beauty of the rain
Is how it falls, how it falls, how it falls
How it falls, how it falls, how it falls

and i'm just tired of running around

2006-10-01T01:40:00.000-05:00

i didn't learn to ride a bike as early as most kids. this didn't have much to do with being uncoordinated or lacking intelligence or even with a lack of exposure. my parents tried numerous times, but i didn't get it until i was almost seven (my brothers were all quicker than me at this, by at least a year). part of it had something to do with my fear of failure i suppose, but mostly it was just not important to me. i was the kind of kid who preferred running.

i grew up trying to stay with my older brothers and their friends, running to keep up. and i became fast for a little kid--it was also the only time in my life that i could run long distances as well as i could run short distances. the older kids would bike around the block, and i would run. we'd go over to the neighbors' house since they had a cool swing set, or more often to one of the houses being built on our block--when just the foundation or the framing was done, these were the best play areas for young explorers. i grew up on the prairies of south dakota, and on my block, there weren't forests to explore nor trees to climb as there had been in central minnesota where i spent the first years of my life.

and i ran. i ran everywhere, mostly barefoot, from morning to night. my older brother and i would try to make our feet as tough as we could, tough enough that we could kill thistles by stomping on them, tough enough to stand the rough rocky surfaces of hot asphalt. running was my only form of transportation--it was reality.

i do remember two particular runs--races, actually--as being important--i was young in both cases, and i'm sure that neither race was very real, but they felt real to me back then. both were when i was around five years old (maybe six). the first was at my grandparents' farm when i raced my uncle bud--we both ran barefoot the length of my grandparents' rural driveway--it was different because though i often walked barefoot on gravel, only rarely did i run very long distances on it. this particular time he let me win, but i think that everyone was a little surprised that i would run around 200-300 yards (over 100 each way), barefoot on gravel.

the other time was similar: we were back visiting my birth place and godparents in minnesota, and some other family friends were also there, so not only did we play a few games of monopoly and basketball, we also had a big race, out their driveway, down the road quite a ways, and back. someone had even made up prizes (paper medals if i remember correctly) for the winners. most of the kids were riding bikes, but my older godbrother and i ran it (this time i feel like i wore shoes, but i don't remember for sure). of course the people on bikes beat us back, and of course he, being the kind and caring godbrother he was, didn't outpace me by much, but my family was surprised that i was able to run that far at a decent pace.

like many things, i soon caught up with the rest of the world (the kids my age, that is) and learned to bike--it's amazing what social pressures do to kids. i also remember the hardware store where i bought my first bike--actually my parents bought it for me for christmas one year--it was camoflauge and had two speeds and hand brakes (which meant i could coast and pedal backwards when i wanted), and i road it everywhere. before that i had a hand-me-down yellow and blue dirt bike where pedaling backwards meant braking. early on in riding that first bike, i wasn't very good at braking, and more than once i would just find a wall to run into when i needed to stop (i am not kidding here--i did it on purpose). so at any rate, like a lot of kids, i just got tired of running around. i sometimes wonder what my life would be like if i had kept running everywhere.

back to the present: i guess no one would expect anything different, but my life here continues to be busy. i am teaching three courses (officially 2.5 as i am team teaching one with a colleague--thanks for asking, clancy--hope things are well). i think i misspoke last time and said that i'm taking three courses--i'm not--just two, but that's more than enough.

i spent three nights last week grading until 2am, and each time woke up before 9am to start working again. probably one of the nicest bits of news is that i should only have one course this spring (along with teaching environmental history at saint olaf), which means i'll be taking exams in may--then i only have to write my dissertation, and i'll have a phd. that is, if i make it that far--i came home this afternoon and was feeling dizzy and ill--and i think it was just from being worn out and not realizing it. i went to bed for six hours or so, got up to write this, and i'll probably head back to bed soon. the take home lesson: i need to learn to take better care of myself. i have spent so much of my life trying to prove that i could do anything, that i could push my body and mind to the limits, and somewhere in there i forgot that this approach isn't always healthy. now, i should clarify one thing--i'm quite good at enjoying my day, taking time out for recreation and fun and community and smelling roses, spending time with friends and my housemates. but i still force myself to get everything else done--the productive stuff--and i think this often means i wear myself out without realizing it. we'll see if i can use this semester to get better at taking care.

the new house is great--i like it a lot. come and visit.

since it's the end of september, i figured that i would post my september 2006 playlist--it's not perfect, but it's a decent indicator of the songs i've been listening to recently. it's somewhat diverse, but still quite "me" and the style i've had in the last while. i thank my brother for exposing me to many of these songs.

pull shapes by the pipettes
white mischief by penguin cafe orchestra
god's gonna cut you down by johnny cash
just to see my holly home by bonnie prince billy
hey ya by outkast
since i left you by the avalanches
gone till november by wyclef jean
lover's spit by broken social scene
wild strawberries by john vanderslice
le soleil est pres de moi by air
your kisses are wasted on me by the pipettes
like a call by architecture in helsinki
cars and telephones (arcade fire cover) by becca riedell
lullaby for a girl by johan johnson
both hands by ani difranco
wonderwall (oasis cover) by cat power
if you could read my mind by johnny cash
oh my sweet carolina by ryan adams

the song i'll highlight today is great. writing about this song inspires a number of memories, a number of stories. since i've already told one (about running around), i'll leave the stories about cars and telephones for another time. here's my simple analysis: the instrumentation is all right, the melody and harmony are slightly better, and the lyrics are damn good. listen to this song.

Cars and Telephones
The Arcade Fire (or, as covered by Becca)

I read the pages about me
In her autobiography
They were brief and to the point
Our flesh while you are getting dressed
Memory that needs to be repressed
I'll just wait until it's over

Since you've gone away
I never know just what to say
Since you've gone away
I never know just what to say

Cause I like cars more than telephones
Your voice in my ear makes me feel so alone
Tonight I'm gonna drive
The silver moon is shining bright
Over the interstate
God saying hurry don't be late
Soon the sun will rise
That's when the romance dies
And I'm just tired of running around

I walked
To get the mail today
I guess
Your letter never came
I'll just
Check again tomorrow

Our flesh while you are getting dressed
Memory that needs to be repressed
I'll just wait without saying a word

Since you've gone away
I never know just what to say
Since you've gone away
I never know just what to say

Cause I like cars more than telephones
Your voice in my head makes me feel so alone
Tonight I'm gonna drive
The silver moon is shining bright
Over the interstate
God saying hurry don't be late
Soon the sun will rise
That's when the romance dies
And I'm just tired of running around

But fuck it I love you no less
I'm gonna feel like shit
By the time I get to you
Now the sky is turning blue
The stars they disappear
One by one with daylight dear
And yes you're in my head
But that doesn't make you here
And I've lost all my friends
But you're the one I miss the most
And now I'm almost there
Yeah I'm almost to the coast
And if I had any notion
Of how to drive my car across the Atlantic Ocean
I'd be fucking set

I just don't get it

2006-09-17T01:15:00.000-05:00

i suppose there are probably many blogs where people write even when they have little to say. perhaps it's presumptuous to say this, but i feel like i'm suffering the exact opposite right now. i wish i had time to write everything that i have been thinking and feeling lately. i can't. i don't.

today our house had a housewarming party, and it was nice. i saw a few people i hadn't seen in a while, saw a few others that i wish i could see more, or even that i could see all the time and would be happy. there were, of course, a lot of people i didn't get to see today, but maybe sometime. i'm trying to write as vaguely as i possibly can right now.

the semester has started. i teach three courses. i take three courses. i have been sick ten days of the last two weeks, including both of the last two weekends. in other words, my life has been incredibly busy. even with that, it's been incredibly good. i like that i'm living in a good house with three other very great people.

there are a gigantic number of remarkable experiences in the last six weeks of my life. i wish i could share them with you.

quite often the songs i post here are songs that i've listened to many times, that are touching my life strongly, either at the time or in the past. this song is perhaps one of the most powerful things in my life. i put the song on and have to listen to it multiple times. the song makes me feel melancholy perhaps, or some kind of ache, but mostly it just makes me feel real. i don't even know if it's the lyrics that make me feel how i do--it might just be johnny cash's voice singing like he does.

if you could read my mind by johnny cash (gordon lightfoot cover)

if you could read my mind, love
what a tale my thoughts could tell
just like an old time movie
bout a ghost from a wishing well
in a castle dark or a fortress strong
with chains upon my feet
you know that ghost is me
and I will never be set free
as long as I'm a ghost that you can't see

if I could read your mind, love
what a tale your thoughts could tell
just like a paperback novel
the kind the drugstores sell
when you reached the part where the heartaches come
the hero would be me
but heroes often fail
and you won't read that book again
because the ending's just too hard to take

I'd walk away like a movie star
who gets burned in a three way script
enter number two
a movie queen to play the scene
of bringing all the good things out in me
but for now, love, let's be real
I never thought I could act this way
and I've got to say that I just don't get it
I don't know where we went wrong
but the feeling's gone
and I just can't get it back

if you could read my mind, love
what a tale my thoughts could tell
just like an old time movie
bout a ghost from a wishing well
in a castle dark or a fortress strong
with chains upon my feet
but stories always end
and if you read between the lines
you'll know that I'm just tryin' to understand
the feelin's that you lack
I never thought I could feel this way
and I've got to say that I just don't get it
I don't know where we went wrong
but the feelin's gone
and I just can't get it back

cool your aching head

2006-07-28T23:58:00.000-05:00

i can't count the number of people who've been asking me to write lately, and i'm partially sorry that i haven't. i don't regret how i've spent my non-working moments (playing soccer, traveling some, watching sunsets, reading, playing a billiards game called purple rain)--i'd make the same choices every time. mostly, i kind of regret that there have been a number of days when my hands ached too much to type, and more often than not, i finish my day of work on a computer and don't feel like doing anything more than reading a few random emails and a little news online. and a few days ago, i ordered a new computer (and ipod) so once that comes, i'll probably interact with my new computer some.

it's prime time wedding season in my life--i'd like to think that this may be the most weddings in a summer i'll ever go to, but maybe this rate will contine (six in a summer???). i have enjoyed seeing all my relatives, traveling out to colorado and back, and i'm looking forward to a couple weekends in minnesota, bisected by a fun trip to chicago. it should be great. i still haven't figured out what i think of weddings generally, but maybe my thoughts on them will be recapped at the end of the summer sometime. i've also done a little bit of writing, preparing a short mini-series on nature writing and how i've seen and experienced nature this summer. it's my hope that since i'm going to be teaching a course on searching for nature this fall (and another on environmental history next spring) that i make some mention of how i've found and searched for nature in my own life.

i've had numerous requests from a variety of people to write world cup commentary. i will say that i quite enjoyed the days of the world cup. and i'll make the promise that for next summer's women's world cup, and the following year's european cup, i'll write some commentary. my current plan is to go to south africa for world cup 2010 so i may not have as much commentary by then. and maybe i'll write up some short commentary as a recap of this year's cup. for now, i'll say (a) that zinedine zidane remains one of my favorite all-time players of the game, (b) that the czech republic may have been the best team at the world cup this year had koller and baros not been/gotten hurt, (c) that england probably had the best underperforming starting eleven, and (d) that with cisse uninjured, france would have been an incredibly tough team for italy, however good italy's defense was.

that's most of the things that i've been thinking about lately. hopefully i'll get some of the afore-mentioned thoughts up soon, but if not, just assume that i'm saving up my online writing potential for this fall. i'm going to spend this weekend trying to keep cool as the great plains have yet another week of 100+ temperatures (easily one of the warmest stretches in the 100 year record). i'll do my best to "let the weight of the world drift away instead."

i choose this song because i've been loving beck's sea change lately, but more than that, the song reminds me of the big open (and dry) plains of south dakota, nebraska, and colorado that i've traversed recently. the song seems so appropriately fitting for the life and love i have on the hot open spaces of south dakota. and i've thought this for a number of years actually. as part of my senior project in college, i made a short video collage of my grandfather, talking to him about his 90+ years in central south dakota, and i used this song (a link to the site is included just prior to the lyrics).

this afternoon i received a phone call from my cousin, telling me that my grandfather had been taken to the hospital for heat stroke, having passed out while watering his tomatoes in the garden. his temperature was 106 by the time it was measured in the emergency room, and he covered the room with mud from an unintentional soaking of the garden. it feels good to say that he regained consciousness and has been speaking with my relatives (although my grandmother reprimanded him for not cutting his toenails appropriately soon after he woke up)--a speedy recovery for a 92 year old, and this isn't the first time he's went to the hospital as an older fellow. in fact, this kind of activity is quite indicative of the life he enjoys living, that has kept him going all these years. it's not a wonder that this happened while he was caring for the garden. earlier this summer, he was stepped on and knocked over by the cows he was feeding, bruising him up pretty well.

a few years ago, he was climbing in the rafters of the barn, trying to get a dead raccoon out of the eves before it started rotting. he fell through some rotten particle board, between the rafters, breaking is second, third, and sixth vertebrae on the cement floor below. while wearing the metal halo with bolts screwed into his skull, i remember him remarking that he hadn't heard as well in years (with the halo serving as an antenna i guess). soon after getting out of the hospital--still in the halo--he was driving around in a bumpy truck through bumpy fields and was actually bitten by a possum, less than a week out of the hospital. he's quite a remarkable person, one of my heroes, and while i wish him a speedy recovery and wish that he wouldn't do quite so much physical activity when it's close to 110 degrees out, i also realize that nothing makes him feel better than taking care of plants and animals, and tinkering around, fixing things out in his shop (though he's gotten much slower at this and much less effective in the last couple years). if i live to be over 90, i hope i can be half as amazing as he is (not to mention that he and my grandmother have been married for over 69 years now). i love you, grandpa and grandma.

http://www.stolaf.edu/depts/cis/wp/wernerb/tworivers1.mov

the golden age by beck

put your hands on the wheel
let the golden age begin
let the window down
feel the moonlight on your skin
let the desert wind
cool your aching head
let the weight of the world
drift away instead

these days i barely get by
i don't even try

it's a treacherous road
with a desolated view
there's distant lights
but here they're far and few
and the sun don't shine
even when it's day
you gotta drive all night
just to feel like you're ok

these days i barely get by
i don't even try

oh no!

2006-06-27T00:42:00.000-05:00

my life has been busy and eventful lately. aside from working a lot and diagnosing myself with carpal tunnel syndrome (so i'm not going to write too much), the biggest event in my life has been my trip to california to visit kevin in claremont (just east of los angeles), along with my family there. it was a busy trip, and quite good, meeting his pals there (all quite nice, cool, and fun)and seeing how he lives there. we went camping and hiking, played ultimate and listened to good music, and went to the beach (swimming, frisbee, football). and i took naps most days, except the last one when we went to newport beach. and then on my trip home, i had a strange experience.

you see, i had parked near the light rail station last wednesday night, in order to take the train to the airport. i did this a few times last summer, and it worked pretty well, and was especially fitting for this trip as my flight was expected to get in at 4am. my flight did end up getting in just after that, and i had my backpack from baggage claim by 4:45 or so. then i had to take a tram to get to the light rail. i knew the next train was supposed to come at 4:59 so i hurried down the stairs, with my money out, not realizing that i had to buy the ticket upstairs. so i missed that train and had to wait for the 5:16 one. once i was on that train, i felt like i was homefree. a short train ride, a short walk, and a short drive home, and then i could sleep.

i half expected that my car would have gotten a ticket on the residential street it was on (it would be just like the city to want to sweep the streets while i was parked there). i got off the train and walked to where my car should have been, and it wasn't there. i pulled out the sheet of paper to doublecheck, and yes, this was where i had parked my car--38th and 27th. and it wasn't there. in its place were signs that said, "no parking, police order". it was about this time that my overtired body and mind started to feel anxiety. after all, it had been 21 hours since i had slept soundly, having only swept a fitful hour on the plane--my ipod couldn't overcome the couple sitting next to me that kept talking throughout the flight. and here i was, my car obviously having been towed, without so much as a warning. it had been over four days since i had parked there, but only two of those were business days so they must have put the signs up on thursday and towed my car on friday. i couldn't believe it. i looked up and down the street, walked it both ways for a block, and i wasn't mistaken. the car wasn't there--i hadn't just parked it on the other (non-towed) side of the street. it was gone, and there was the house for sale i recognized from parking last wednesday.

i knew a number for the blue and white taxi service and called them--they told me it would be 15 minutes. i had of course forgotten that i was right next to a bus stop, one that went to the uptown bus station quite close to my house, and i had a transfer ticket from the light rail i could have used for free. but i admit i wasn't thinking that clearly. 20 minutes later, the taxi called me back and told me it might be another 10 minutes. another two buses and 20 minutes later (so 45, rather than the original 15), the taxi pulled up and took me home. i got home just before 7am, two hours after landing in the airport. i was stressed, but incredibly tired and couldn't figure out what to do. i tried calling the police and the impound, but nothing was open to 7am. i called my parents around then, waking them up, and told them of my dilemma. but then i couldn't do any more and slept fitfully for two hours.

i woke up, got the car's information from my parents and called the impound. after a few tries to get through to them (you can't just call them--you have to call another number, and get two transfers to talk to someone at the impound lot), i finally talked to someone who told me that my car hadn't been towed by the city. and i started to panic. i didn't want my car to have been stolen--that would severely mess with my life, and my summer. so i decided that i needed to return to the scene with a couple hours of sleep under my belt to look for my car more thoroughly. i pumped up the tires of my bike at a local gas station, and my housemate mike and i took off on a great bike ride across town to try to find my car. we rode down the street where my car should have been, going a few blocks further on it than i knew we needed to. and nothing. so we went one block over. and there was my car, not stolen, not towed, not even ticketed, leaving me two activities. first, to figure out how to get both of our bikes in my car (or some combination), to get all the vehicles home. second, to figure out why i would have a memory of parking my bike on a different street, in front of a different house, and why i would have written down the wrong streets in order to make sure i remembered where i had parked. i guess the third, subsidiary question relates to why didn't just search for the car when i got back, but that one's pretty easy--i was tired and not thinking straight. the first we figured out after a little bit of experimentation--both of our bikes fit in my car. the second one still escapes me. but it's kind of funny. and that was how my amazing vacation to california ended. it was kind of silly, kind of emotional, but overall an interesting experience.

the following is a song that kevin introduced me to over the weekend--the whole album is quite good, but this song is his favorite, and i can understand why. it's really good to have such a different perspective on the song (like iron and wine vs. postal service on such great heights), especially since i know the modest mouse version of the song so well. it's a very interesting cover of a very interesting song. i have to say that most of the reviews i've read (especially pitchforks) are overwhelmingly negative, and i think unnecessarily so.

tiny cities made of ashes by sun kil moon

We're goin' down the road towards tiny cities made of ashes
Gonna hit you on the face gonna punch you in your glasses. Oh no!

I just got a message that said "Yeah hell is freezin' over"
I got a phone call from the Lord sayin' "Hey boy get a sweater. Right now"
So we're drinkin' drinkin' drinkin' drinkin' coca-coca-cola
I can feel it rollin' right on down
Oh right on down my throat
And as we're headed down the road towards tiny cities made of ashes
I'm gonna get dressed up in plastic gonna shake hands
with the masses. Oh no!

Does anybody know a way that a body could get away
Does anybody know a way
Were goin' down the road towards tiny cities made of ashes
I'm goin' to hit you on the face I'm goin' to punch you in your glasses. Oh no!

I'm wearin' myself a t-shirt that says "The world is my ashtray"
Our hearts pump dust and our hairs all grey
And I just got a message sayin' that hell has frozen over
Got a phone call from the Lord sayin' "Hey boy get a sweater. Right now!"
Does anybody know a way that a body could get away
Does anybody know a way

Were drinkin' drinkin' drinkin' drinkin' coca-coca-cola
I can feel it rollin' right on down oh right on down my throat
And as we're headed down the road towards tiny cities made of ashes
I'm gonna lay down in the spa where they coat you
in molasses. Oh no!
Does anybody know a way that a body could get away
Does anybody know a way

26

2006-05-25T17:33:00.000-05:00

no, this isn't about the new show on prime time. it's my age, and it gets a little bigger each year, but i am mostly fine with getting older. there's really nothing wrong with getting older in and of itself. i get a little frustrated sometimes, wishing my ankles were stronger or that i was healthier in some other way. but in the last couple years, i've also learned how to take care of my body, which has decreased the number of times i'm getting sick. and i'm trying to get back into better shape too--i might never be able to get back in as good of shape as late high school or college, but these last three years of graduate school have made staying in good shape difficult. i'm just not as surrounded by fun, outside activities most of the time--scheduling in outside time (or at least protecting) is nowhere close to as good as just going outside whenever and ever.

but these last few days, in addition to starting my summer work (which is going to be much more enjoyable than the same job last summer), i've had a bunch of time outside, and i've enjoyed it a lot. i've played soccer, played frisbee, went for runs, went for hikes, went for bike rides--that's the main reason i love late spring (early summer). there have been minimal mosquitoes in eastern south dakota (though they came out last thursday evening for the first time). the ticks haven't been too bad (although i pulled 5 off me last weekend in central south dakota). and i haven't seen any rattlesnakes yet (though i'd be quite surprised if i didn't this weekend).

playing soccer in brookings is great, even though i miss playing large, competitive games sometimes. playing ultimate in brookings is equally fun, even though here i'm a teacher and in the twin cities i would largely be learning. i'm looking forward to being in the twin cities next week because while i knew people there last summer, i never really felt like hanging out much when i was there last year--i was always stressed about summer and thesis work. i'm really excited to go hiking, camping, and exploring this summer as much as possible. and while last week i was a little bit depressed about spreading myself so thin all over the area, so far i feel like i've navigated my time pretty well, and if i keep this up, i'll be quite happy with the summer.

so i hope you've had a good spring, that you're starting a good summer, that you're enjoying the year, that you have a good birthday when you have one. i'll keep pretty happy, and i want you to also. i'll also write here this summer, unlike last summer, though i'm certainly not promising anything much. do expect a few stories sometime soon. and enjoy this song. it's awesome, and it really reminds me of summer.

shhh by atmosphere

I wanted to make a song about where I'm from
You know? Big up my home town, my territory, my state
But, I couldn't figure out much to brag about
Prince lives here, we got 10,000 lakes
But wait, the women are beautiful, to me they are
And we're not infested with pretentious movie stars
And it hit me, Minnesota is dope
If only simply for not what we have but what we don't
It's all fair, it ain't out there, it's in there
It's in the mirror, behind the breast under the hair
Follow the dream doesn't mean leave the love
Roam if you must, but come home when you've seen enough
I love New York and Cali, but I ain't movin'
Too overpopulated saturated with humans
And I'm not big on rappers, actors, or models
If I had to dip, I'd probably skip to Chicago
None of this is to diss no one, nowhere
Like damn, I'm from Minnesota, land of the cold air
Too many mosquitoes and our fair share of egos
But like my man Sabe says, that's where my mommy stays

So if the people laugh and giggle when you tell em where you live
Say shhh, say shhh
And if you know this is where you wanna raise your kids
Say shhh, say shhh
If you're from the Midwest and it doesn't matter where
Say shhh, say shhh
If you can drink tap water and breathe the air
Say shhh, say shhh

Got trees and vegetation in the city I stay
The rent's in the mail and I can always find a parking space
The women outnumber the men two to one
Got parks and zoos and things to do with my son
The nightlife ain't all that, but that's okay
I don't need to be distracted by the devil every day
And the jobs ain't really too hard to find
In fact, you could have mine if you knew how to rhyme
This is for everyone around the planet
That wishes they were from somewhere other than where they standin'
Don't take it for granted, instead take a look around
Quit complaining and build something on that ground
Plant something on that ground, dance and sleep on that ground
Get on your hands and knees and watch the ants walk around that ground
Make a family, make magic, make a mess
Take the stress, feel your motivation and build your nest
It sucks that you think where I'm from is wack
But as long as that's enough to keep your ass from coming back
And with a smile and a hint of sarcasm, he said
“I beg your pardon but this is my secret garden”

All right
In the land of ice and snow
Well okay
In the land of ice and snow
Well all right
In the land of ice and snow
Well okay
Minneapolis, Minneapolis, Minneapolis, Minneapolis

If the playground is clear of stems and syringes
Say shhh, say shhh
If there's only one store in your town that sells 12-inches
Say shhh, say shhh
If no one in your crew walks around with a gun
Say shhh, say shhh
And if you ain't gonna leave cause this is where you're from
Say shhh, say shhh

Well alright, well okay
St. Cloud, Minnesota
Mankato, Minnesota
Duluth, Minnesnowta
Kansas City
St Louis, Missouri
Columbia, Missouri
Oshkosh, Wisconsin
Madison
Milwaukee
Cincinnati, Ohio
Columbus, Ohio
Boulder, Colorado
Lawrence, Kansas
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Sioux Falls, South Dakota
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Indianapolis
Say shhh..
Minneapolis

three insights

2006-04-27T21:27:00.000-05:00

here i'm going to write about three insights i have had lately--two of them today. so somehow or other, there has been a month break since i last wrote, and i guess that's fine. today's insights will make it worth it. the order will be shelter, math, and music.

shelter. it occurred to me yesterday why we have shelter (by we i mean humans generally, but perhaps more specifically, people living in the same area as me). we have it to keep us warm when it's cold, cool when it's hot, protected from insects, and in the case of our homes, perhaps a little bit of protection from people or at least privacy. but on a day like yesterday, or today for that matter, none of those reasons work. the only reason someone would be inside are the wrong reasons--to get work done and be productive, or something like that. so i couldn't quite handle that. i went outside. i've been spending a lot of time outside lately--just about as much as i can actually. and i love it.

math. i was a math major in college. i took 14 math courses (that means 12 beyond calc2). i did a lot of math, and i liked it well enough. i kind of tired of it, and i do much less of it lately. but this evening i had a conversation with my friend, and i asked him how many blog posts he had written lately. he said he was half done with three. so i said he'd done one and a half then. and we both agreed that wasn't really the case. and then i said that the main problem with multiplication is that it doesn't work in real life. consider this real life example. let's say you have a half of a cat. and another three half-cats. you really don't have two cats, no matter what your elementary school teacher said. so i guess we should just throw that whole math thing out the winder (i can't believe that i wasted a third of my course slots in college).

last, this is an amazing song. i should say that i found out about the song on by looking at a message a friend left for another friend on facebook. but both my brother and i listened to it 15-20 times within the first couple days of having the song. that's the sign of a pretty good song.

fidelity by regina spektor

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
Right here in my mind
All of these voices
I hear in my mind
All of these words
I hear in my mind
All of this music
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my ha-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-eart
And it breaks my ha-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-eart

Suppose I never ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never ever let you
Kiss me so sweet
And so so-o-oft

Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose I never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs
Just to break my own fall

Just to break my fa-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-all
Just to break my fa-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-all
Just to break my fa-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-all
Break my fall
Break my fall

All my friends say that, of course, it's gonna get better
gonna get better better better better better better better better better better

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
All of these voices
I hear in my mind
All of these words
I hear in my mind
All of this music

And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart

I hear in my mind
All of these voices
I hear in my mind
All of these words
I hear in my mind
All of this music
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart.
And it breaks my ha-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-eart
And it breaks my ha-aah-aah-aah-aah-eart
And it breaks my ha-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-eart
And it breaks my heart
Breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart.
And it breaks my heart.
And it breaks my heart.

please be kind if i'm a mess

2006-03-28T23:37:00.000-06:00

i admit it. the last week or so was not my best. by that i mean, i wasn't the kind of person i like to be--i wasn't my best. grading tests and papers drain me more than anything else i know of. and i can do a pretty decent job of saying why too. i like reading papers just fine, especially when they are well written and insightful. it is the grading i don't like very much, even though quite often i can tell really quickly what kind of grade a paper will get--through reading closer and trying to work through what grade someone should get, i can usually figure it out more closely, but i'm rarely off by very much (if anything, i usually start out slightly harsher and then work toward a more accurate and charitable evaluation).

but it's not even grading that i dislike. it's more the sheer number of things i sometimes have to grade, papers that in some cases are on the same topic and address the same ideas, yet are each unique approaches, which prevents me from standardizing a grading procedure like i could when i graded calculus and linear algebra in college. back then, i could figure out what people were doing and why rather quickly, and if i couldn't, then they were usually incredibly confused. with grading papers, people might take a very different approach, but still be putting in the same amount of effort, and saying something just as interesting and clear as someone else who took a very different approach.

but i always hope that my comments are making some sort of an impact on students. and sometimes they might have that sort of impact without me becoming aware of it. i hope so. there's even a chance that the students aren't aware of the impact themselves--that's much less likely because most recommendations i have for people take deliberate effort, rather than osmotic learning or chance experimentation. but recently, two occurrences have made me feel good about my teaching.

the first involved a student writing a paper that i knew was below his ability. i knew that he could engage the topic better, that he could write a better paper, think harder and deeper, demonstrate his understanding better. and i got his second paper, and it was close to twice as good, an immense improvement, just because i told him that i knew he could do better, that i expected more, and he responded by surpassing my expectations. and that's a good feeling.

the second came in the way of an email i received this afternoon, from a student who appreciated my comments on his paper. i had worried in writing the comments that i had written too much, had went into too much detail in explaining what i thought were the limitations of his argument, at least how he explained it in his paper. and his email said that my comments were helpful, that they helped him to clarify, develop, and understand his viewpoint better, and that he was giving a speech on the topic in another class soon, that his speech would benefit from my comments.

i know these are small things. they're small things for me to be proud of, and i'm sure that for every time something good like this emerges, something balances it out. i try hard, but i just am not as good at all this as i'd like to be.

i was telling a friend that i am going to be the substitute teacher for environmental ethics back at saint olaf, for the professor who i consider a great teacher and mentor, and my friend said, "those are awfully big shoes to fill," and i said, "yes, i know--kind of intimidating." and i am, but at the same time, i'm more excited to be down there talking about environmental ethics than i am for anything (except maybe the coming of spring). it should be great. and intimidating. hopefully all the time, thought, effort, energy, excitement, and everything else i had will help. and if not, then hopefully everyone down there will be a forgiveable lot.

i admit it's been a weird time for music in my life right now--not as much new music entering my life. and that's probably my own fault for not trying. but in times like this, older music can usually tide me over. this song is relevant for two reasons. first, though i have very few dangerous consumption habits--i try hard not to eat, drink, or inhale things my body would consider poisons. but i do tend to eat too much chocolate when i have it available. the last few days have been a good example of that. second, sometimes i get in a right state. the last ten days have felt like that. and when that happens, i hope that everyone can be understanding, can and will be kind when i'm a mess.

cigarettes and chocolate milk by rufus wainwright

cigarettes and chocolate milk
these are just a couple of my cravings
everything it seems i like's a little bit stronger
a little bit thicker
a little bit harmful for me

if i should buy jellybeans
have to eat them all in just one sitting
everything it seems i like's a little bit sweeter
a little bit fatter
a little bit harmful for me

and then there's those other things
which for several reasons we won't mention
everything about them is a little bit stranger
a little bit harder
a little bit deadly

it isn't very smart
tends to make one part so broken-hearted

sitting here remembering me
always been a shoe made for the city
go ahead, accuse me of just singing about places
with scrappy boys faces
have general run of the town
playing with prodigal songs
takes a lot of sentimental valiums
can't expect the world to be your raggedy andy
while running on empty
you little old doll with a frown

you got to keep in the game
maintaining mystique while facing forward
i suggest a reading of 'a lesson in tightropes'
or 'surfing your high hopes' or 'adios kansas'

it isn't very smart
tends to make one part so broken-hearted

still there's not a show on my back
holes or a friendly intervention
i'm just a little bit heiress, a little bit irish
a little bit tower of pisa whenever i see you
so please be kind if i'm a mess
cigarettes and chocolate milk

just as sure as my body begs for rest

2006-03-26T03:27:00.000-06:00

it isn't easy to have an exciting, upbeat, fun, and enjoyable day when it's the weekend and over half the day is spent grading tests and papers. and tomorrow will be also. and i'm still up and it's late. but i've been working these last few hours so i can't really be unhappy with myself. except i should sleep now.

i cut my facial hair the last few days, chopping bits and pieces off, finally shaving most of the rest away (just leaving a few slivers here and there). i'm not sure why that's at all interesting. but it is a part of my life, and has been for quite a while - the best reason to grow facial hair (second best behind laziness, that is): cutting the facial hair down in an interesting and novel way. so i do that every so often.

tonight, after grading, i've been preparing myself to lead discussions down at saint olaf, for the two sections of environmental ethics. i'm really excited about this--i really can't wait. but i can't decide whether to prepare a lot or a little - i often find that having too much to do in discussion classes really kills the discussion, even if there is little chance any of the students are bored.

i'm not going to write anything insightful tonight, but this song is fitting, tonight and for many a night in my life. it's almost my life's theme song, though "i wanna be like you" from disney's jungle book is a close competitor. the only problem with morning watch is that i'm usually up late rather than up early, but i still feel like i'm awake early with the starlings.

morning watch by dolorean

i found myself again on the morningwatch
for those of us who cannot sleep
just because of the things we’ve done
we wake up early with the starlings
and as night’s sins fade away
and bee stings lose their swell
so begins my day, so ends my hell

and as night falls i prepare my bed
and curse the pillow’s stony lies
for just as sure as my body begs for rest
i’ll be up before the sunrise

in the sun

2006-03-24T23:57:00.000-06:00

i guess in a way i made it through another week. i'm not sure how sometimes. grading is burdensome. my favorite basketball team lost in the sweet 16. i feel behind on everything.

i'm not entirely used to this feeling - i've lived with major frustrations before, but only rarely have i ever felt that i couldn't keep up with what i needed to do, when i devote a lot of time and effort. that's not good enough right now. and of course, i have no power over whether gonzaga beats ucla so i should just not worry about that.

why this clear and sudden caring for college basketball? that stretches back a long way, to when i was five years old when my parents started taking me to all the college basketball games at sdsu. my mom taught me how to keep score, and i kept score of every game until when i was at least twelve, every home game there in person, and listening to almost every away game on the radio (though i didn't really like keeping track of scores over the radio). i grew up loving basketball very much. i loved watching and listening and cheering and yelling when officials did a less than optimal job (though i never did, and still never do, yell just to get calls, only when i feel something could truthfully be better).

i also loved playing basketball and would play in our house (with garbage cans or door frames, in our garage in the winter, outside on our hoop or a neighbors in the summer, at 7am every morning during the summer (because i didn't sleep in until sometime late in 7th grade). i loved basketball, but unfortunately, i never got any taller after 7th grade, likely due to genetics, along with me drinking carbonated drinks and caffeine, playing lots of soccer and basketball and running in bare feet, and becoming an insomniac late in middle school--the first was probably the biggest influence, but sometimes i wonder if the others had any effect. so in terms of my height, that dashed any hopes my mom or i still had of me being a top basketball player... hence soccer, where height isn't an issue (at least in high school, and much less of an issue anywhere). to be fair, i'm sure that if i had devoted all my spare moments to playing basketball, i probably could have done all right at 5'7, but it just didn't seem likely. so since 7th grade, i've barely played at all, though like with all sports and activities, i still enjoy them.

and all this maybe goes some distance in explaining why i still like watching and supporting certain basketball teams that i like. this year especially, it was gonzaga. they lost yesterday, which was annoying. after yesterday, the only other team i really have much desire to see was washington and george mason, both of whom played today. the former lost to uconn, and that was again a big uconn comeback (much like ucla's on gonzaga). and gmu won again because of their amazing zone defense. so they remain, but i'm much less invested in the tournament now.

with all of the busy-ness and stress in my life recently, due in large part to grading, but not solely so--with all that, i've started to get back to playing guitar a little bit. i've been playing some of the music i wrote a while ago (i haven't played enough recently to write anything for five years on guitar), and i've been playing pictures of success by rilo kiley, stay by u2, fake plastic trees by radiohead, and ashes of american flags by wilco. they seem like decent songs to me. i like them anyway. and i've been listening to a wonderful song by grandaddy, somewhat simple, perhaps too much so, but still amazing - it has the same kind of great quality that i sometimes associate with the polyphonic spree. and it describes what i would like to do right now, the sum total of all i want to do right now. walk up the side of the mountain, down the other side, swim in the river, lie in the sun. that sounds perfect. believe me. it does.

the nature anthem by grandaddy

i wanna walk up the side of the mountain
i wanna walk down the other side of the mountain
i wanna swim in the river and lie in the sun
i wanna try to be nice to everyone

you can be my life

2006-03-22T00:13:00.000-06:00

i am at school again. and though i didn't look forward to returning all that excitedly, i enjoyed being back. breaks are like that. and it was of course a good day, with the sun shining more hours of the day, spring coming (however slowly), me exercising and going to classes, searching for some new insight. today, i found a few. here's one from jurgen habermas:

Argumentation is not a decision procedure resulting in collective decisions but a problem-solving procedure that generates convictions.

habermas is one of the fellows whose ideas i'm studying right now - part of my job is to go to class and read and think and talk and learn about people and their ideas. and sometimes doing this is hard, or frustrating, though never remotely as frustrating as grading 60 blue book essay exams. that has been difficult at times. but that's what i do. it makes me wonder what i'd like to be doing. i asked a friend what she wanted for her birthday - no restrictions - and then i got to thinking about what i would want for my birthday. this is of course a partial list, but of all the crazy things i might like were i to have a "get-everything-i-want" birthday, that i know i'll never have:

- a bunch of land in the black hills, surrounded by forest service, where i would sometimes go when i wanted to be away from people and around non-people for a while
- a hand-written copy of the fellowship of the ring (or the hobbit) - i thought of this one a few years ago while talking to a friend about christmas pressents - it still seems like a cool gift idea, though i don't know if it will ever happen - i satisfy myself with hand-scribing song lyrics for friends sometimes
- a trip to norway, sweden, and iceland with friends and family (at different times, for different parts) - i already have friends in both norway and sweden right now, so it would be a great time - or maybe spending time in sweden during the world cup
- time, money, and plane flights to visit my friends in l.a., d.c., and chicago. i miss them all very much, but for some reason travel in the school year just gets to hectic, and i'm a piece of crap when it comes to visiting people when i should, over my spring break
- a january spent in puerto morelos on the yucatan peninsula, along with a few days hiking in saguaro national park in arizona or wandering around budapest or london - these are places i have enjoyed being
- meeting and hanging out with natalie portman, adam morrison, and colin meloy (three people i will never know)
- a long june in central south dakota
- spend time with my niece, tramping around the hills and telling new stories. and hearing old stories from my grandparents too.

on the other hand, i should be really happy as i'm going to have an amazing last six weeks of school (aside from grading papers). i'll meet peter singer, scott russell sanders, andrew light, and j. baird callicott. i'll teach environmental ethics (my favorite topic) at saint olaf college (one of my favorite places). i'll be playing competitive ultimate and maybe get to start playing soccer outside. it's going to get warmer soon. this summer's work shouldn't be as frustrating as last summer. i'll get to visit my friends in all these far-off places, albeit not as soon as i'd like. and i'll be one year closer to a phd (after getting my ma this spring - by ma i don't mean mother - i mean master's degree).

so life is great, even though i sometimes feel less than real, not as fully living as i could be. i often spend too much time thinking and reading, but i don't know what else i'd be doing with my time. life has always been this way. and it will always be something like this. i wish all of you a tiger's heart and an apple bed.

apple bed by sparklehorse

of horses wet
with melted ice
they would not heed
my advice
and burdened limbs
of its weight
to break and rot
a whispered fate

please
doctor, please

around me
in a bloody sea
to breach the hive
and smoke the bees
you can be my friend
you can be my dog
you can be my life
you can be my fog

please
doctor, please

the witches will return to their sticky tree knots
I will feel the sun
I will feel the sun
I will feel the sun coming down

I wish I had
a horse's head
a tiger's heart
an apple bed

breaking my norm

2006-03-07T23:57:00.000-06:00

this is not a considered post - i'm writing because i'm feeling pretty terrible - getting a cold after getting done with something - it's pretty normal for me. i let down my guard sometimes in spring, and then i get hit hard, feeling terrible, trying to drink as much orange juice and water as possible, having to go to class and do homework for 11 hours, wishing i could just stay home and stay in bed, but not feeling right about that since all of my students have to get up and take a mid-term test tomorrow.

oh well. life could be a lot worse - my life is pretty good, and i know it. i get paid to do what i like to do, and i get a spring break where i will get to see my brother and niece and my grandparents and relax. it doesn't get much better. now i just want to feel healthy again. i'll give it time.

i hope everyone is feeling great and doing well. i wish you all the best.

brett

especially at night

2006-03-06T19:56:00.000-06:00

i'm a master now. it's been a while in coming, and though it has been fun and quite worthwhile, it's also been a lot of life and energy invested. so it feels pretty good to be done. the defense went well enough - i don't think my presentation was all that great (hopefully good enough), but the committee generally thought that my thesis was good enough for them to pass me. thank you to all of you who have been with me through this time. and for those of you who have wished i might write on here more often, that should be more frequent for a while (and i've also decided not to take summer off this year).

i was talking to my older brother yesterday, and that was good - my parents are out visiting him this week, helping him to make more progress on the houses he's building. in our short talk, we came to an important realization about how we live and work in the world. both of us have spent longer than we expected to on our respective projects - me on my thesis, him on his houses. and i think that a lot of it has to do with the fact that we both want to do good work. and i think the same is true of my other brothers also - we all usually work hard to do well at the things that we do, but more importantly, we have a hard time being satisfied with doing a less than optimal job of things.

i probably could have finished my thesis sooner and not done as much, or made as coherent of an analysis (though what i have done is certainly far from the best i could do given more time). my brother could have finished the houses sooner, and for more profit, had he not worked hard to make them impressive inside and outside, and not just how they look, but how good they are.

i once had a conversation with my younger brother about doing lots of things or doing fewer things. in high school, i did a lot of things (not as many as some people, but many nonetheless), and i probably didn't do any of them as well as i could have, had i put all of my efforts into them (soccer, music, debate). my younger brother takes a different approach, or at least he did in high school (and i think he still does). he wants to be as good as he can be at the things he does, rather than just being good enough at them. but again, i think that the focus on quality work is important. even in my ever-changing life of many pursuits (especially high school, but to a lesser extent in college), i still work hard to make sure that what i do is of good quality. and i hope it pays off. but i also am always changing what i am interested in, what i like doing, and i want a job/life that can allow for this as much as possible. hopefully becoming a professor will allow for me to keep changing as well as anything can. and hopefully it can also be flexible enough that i can have time to get things done that i can feel proud of. that's one hope at least.

so now i'm done with my master's thesis. what's next? i'll need to try to get parts of the thesis ready for publication somewhere (because that's what future jobs will require). i have a paper that i'm working on that will also be headed toward publication, probably in environmental ethics. and then there's the dissertation. right now i'm thinking i'll look at how hope and pragmatism play out in environmental issues. and i'm excited for the topic right now. hopefully that can continue. and i think it's a project that i can get done in a few years as a phd student.

this song is one that got played in our coomon room quite often my senior year of college, though it was the version by the benjamin gate (cool south african band), and not the original by colin hay. in recently watching scrubs, i re-encountered the song (as it is the theme of the episode), and i wanted to mention how good and interesting it is. the first two stanzas are especially relevant to my life lately.

overkill by colin hay (and if you want, the benjamin gate)

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know I'll be alright
Perhaps it's just imagination

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
It's time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation

At least there's pretty lights
And though there's little variation
It nullifies the night from overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know I'll be alright
It's just overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away

words can't be that strong

2006-03-02T00:04:00.000-06:00

i haven't written in a while, at least not here. life has been busy, and i've let myself avoid this somehow. but i am just a few days away from my thesis, and that's exciting. or a relief. or something. i can't quite say what to think about it, except that it'll be good to get through that and on to other things. i've had a lot of great support from friends, family, colleagues, and professors. and i appreciate all their thoughts and help. thanks.

as for exercise, i've started running, biking, lifting, and swimming some each day i exercise (none for too long, but incorporating all) - i like that. it feels healthy. for relaxation, i've mostly been watching scrubs--made it through the first season now, and i really like it. the song below was on the second to last episode. beautiful world by colin hay was on the last. the show is emotionally draining for me, and i'm not really sure why. i think it's in the same way that listening to music by (the) eels is draining. spring of my junior year in college, i would sometimes listen to the song it's a motherfucker, and it would basically make me stop doing anything for the rest of the day. i would just feel drained somehow.

i really can't explain how music, books, and tv can do that to me. the most recent harry potter did it (actually the last few have, but especially the most recent). i've just listened to the song below about five times straight, and i don't know why, but i'm just drained, of everything, of energy, drive, life maybe. but that's being melodramatic. i'm really not that bad off. i just need a break somehow, a vacation where i can stop thinking for a few days, feel a little more for a few days. it's coming. i know it is. and so is spring - these last couple days have made my outlook so much better. spring does that to me. the thought of turning 26 doesn't. so i don't think of that. pretty good outlook if you ask me.

back to scrubs, i'll probably transcribe and post dr. cox's thoughts on relationships sometime as quite truthfully, they were amazing (this is from an episode in the middle of season 1). we'll see when i get around to that. other interesting things i could mention about recent times mostly relate to jurgen habermas and his book theory of communicative action, which i've been thinking a lot about lately, or bryan norton's book sustainability. it's kind of strange to think about what i do for my job--i read, think about, talk about, and write about stuff, and then i help other people read, think about, talk about, and write about stuff. it's kind of strange, and quite reminiscent of the willy mason lyrics about paper being all that i'm really taught to create (i don't actually create paper, but use it to create other stuff).

i promised a story (a while ago now) about debate and music. i'll start here with debate. here was a place where we always had a lot of good times, whether we were debating, or whether we were hanging out on weekends. one particular memory that deserves to be mentioned involves my friends bob and yatesh, who were debating a showcase round in the mitchell auditorium in front of anyone who wanted to sit and watch them.

this was my junior year, and the debate topic was renewable energy. the two of them happened to be debating a really good team from watertown, we'll call them w and g. at some point in the debate round, yatesh is cross-x-ing one of the watertown debaters, and he is trying to figure out what advantage the other team's case has over the current situation. the other team was running some case that increased renewable energy, and one of their claimed advantages was that there would be fewer particulates in the air (particulates are bad things in the air we breathe, and burning fossil fuels creates more particulates). but yatesh was trying to figure out if the other team could actually make things better. so he asks the question, "where's the card that says you suck.... particulates out the air?"

the ellipsis here involved yatesh taking a short breath and then continuing with the question. in fact, he didn't mean it the way it sounded to the auditorium full of forensics competitors. it just came out wrong. but it sure did sound funny, especially since we had it on video tape and were able to watch it a few times later. it was funny then, and i still think it's funny now, though it might not make it into the hilarious category. that's a start. maybe i'll tell more debate stories later. we'll see.

this song is amazing, and a case in point that if you're going to try to get the lyrics online, get them from the artists website, or at least read through them as you're listening to them, as in this song, paint makes more sense than pain, and reeling makes more sense than really. as i said up above, this song had a lot of effect on me, combined with scrubs and whatever other life things going on. i hope you listen and enjoy. and maybe feel not just fresh, but real.

fresh feeling by eels

you don't have a clue
what it is like to be next to you
i'm here to tell you
that it is good
that it is true

birds singing a song
old paint is peeling
this is that fresh
that fresh feeling

words can't be that strong
my heart is reeling
this is that fresh
that fresh feeling

try
try to forget what's in the past
tomorrow is here
love,
orange sky above lighting your way
there's nothing to fear

birds singing a song
old paint is peeling
this is that fresh
that fresh feeling

words can't be that strong
my heart is reeling
this is that fresh
that fresh feeling

some people are good
babe in the 'hood
so pure and so free
i'd make a safe bet
you're gonna get whatever you need

look at you

2006-01-30T00:50:00.000-06:00

when i was in high school, the three activities that largely shaped my life were debate, soccer, and my band. i did lots of other stuff like choir, student council, concert and marching band, track, and others. but most of my time was spent pursuing one of those three activities - hanging around with people i knew from the activities, practicing, that sort of thing. it was a good life. i'll recount three short stories over the next couple posts, surrounding each of those activities.

first, i am thinking about a crazy experience i had in the fall of my junior year. my team always had to play games down in sioux falls, an hour south of brookings. it's notable that i made a trip to sioux falls 1-3 times each week from when i was in sixth grade until when i was a senior in high school, all for playing soccer. on this particular afternoon, my team had just finished playing a soccer game, and for some reason, we didn't stop for our usual post-game meal at wendy's. i had hurt my ankle during the game, and that actually was pretty normal. i tended to dribble the ball a lot (i guess because i could), but by late in high school, most opposing players knew enough to just hurt me if they wanted to get the ball. it was around this time that i should have figured out that i wasn't playing against players of great skill or fully developed senses of sporting play. if they couldn't get the ball, they'd just hurt me. and so after this game, as after so many others like it, i was hurt.

i was riding in the backseat of our coach's car, the colbeck cruiser as we called - a huge grey monte carlo. colbeck was a really great coach, having played with my oldest brother for a very good coach six years prior to this, after which he played college soccer and came back to work afterwards. but he wasn't exactly the biggest or strongest guy i'd ever met. sitting next to him in the passenger seat was my friend bob, another skinny but cool guy, pretty low key and bordering on being a committed pacifist (something he'd become a little later in life). i was sitting behind colbeck trying not to think about how much my body hurt, and sitting next to me in back was my friend jesse, though all of us called him shu back then.

this didn't turn out to be an ordinary ride back to brookings, however normal the soccer game was, and i suppose i could blame it on us not stopping at wendy's, but that seems a little bit much given the circumstances. things got strange when shu saw four guys pull up in the car next to us at a light, and he thought they were the team we had just played. thinking they were playfully "cocking him off" (commonly used phrase of the day), he held up his hands, and made a "wtf" face at them. when the light turned green, their car proceeded to swerve into ours, getting dangerously close to hitting us. it was about this time that colbeck and bob started wondering what's going on. shu quickly explained that he had mistakenly taken the fellows in the car next to us for friendly competitors. and the chase was on.

while driving through sioux falls (on louise i think), we got more and more confused at these would-be-gansters (from small town south dakota). after they had swerved at us, colbeck took off, gunning the engine of his poor old cruiser, and our pursuants pulled in behind us, tailgating us as close as they could at times. we ran a red light, passing through the intersection just after it was red, and they ran it three seconds behind us - it was starting to feel like a movie chase scene, but i wasn't really feeling like this was the kind of movie scene i wanted to be in right then. every so often, one of us would look behind, back at the car, and we'd see them still there, looking somewhat deranged, and for a while, one of them appeared to be beating a dangerous cudgel in his hand, menacingly, until we realized that it looked more like that butt end of a windshield scraper.

life certainly wasn't all humorous, and i certainly was a little worried, not only that the other car would do something even more rash if given the opportunity, but also that the police would pull us over. i mentioned my worries, and colbeck wisely noted that if a cop did pull us over, that'd actually be better - we could explain our strange situation and go from there, paying the ticket if need be (though i had looked at the other car's license plate).

once we pulled on the interstate, we figured it was over, but were surprised, confused, scared, amazed that the car was still tailing us. they started to try to pass us, staring at us, telling us to pull over (which didn't make a lot of sense given that i was probably the closest thing to a fighter of any of us, and i was hurt), swerving a few times, leaving colbeck to swerve to stay out of their way. they passed us (with our blessing), but then slammed on their breaks, i can only assume to get us to rear end them or stop or something. colbeck knew the road though, he knew there was a single lane of traffic ahead for fifteen miles of construction. so he gunned it and passed them, put a few cars in between us, and we never saw them again.

we did spend the rest of the trip back looking back over our shoulders and in the mirrors, making sure they weren't behind us (given that they followed us for close to 20 miles). and we had that experience to ponder over and wonder about. colbeck had a backup plan if they had tried following us the whole way home. that afternoon, south dakota state university had played mankato in football, and colbeck said he'd just pull up to a bar, walk in and tell everyone inside that our friendly pursuants were from mankato and had been badmouthing the hometown team. not a bad idea really. who says that the life of a south dakota high schooler isn't interesting, even though i still don't think that the four fellows trailing us in the car would have held up to any real gang activities, or even to me and my older brothers (i had been thinking we could drive back to the house where my older brothers were living with their friends, but i think in the end colbeck's idea was the better one).

that's the first of a few promised stories of my high school life, this one centering around soccer, although there wasn't much description of soccer at all. as a slight change of topic (i promise i'll tell more stories soon), i'd like to think that i've adjusted to the start of this new semester - i went through my worn out phase (almost falling asleep in class for the first time since junior year of high school), and i'm fighting a cold. but that hasn't stopped me from getting back into the groove i need (exercise, productive thesis revision, making good food, talking to good friends). i hope that the end of winter and the coming spring turns out to be fun and interesting, lively and relaxed, all in good measure. and i wish the same for all of you.

i've known for a while that this was song i'd be including in this upcoming post, so even though it's been a few days in coming, it'll be worth it. the song's music is simple, i'd even say just right (every time i hear the song, i just want to direct the piano part), and the lyrics are striking.

Heart by Stars

Time can take its toll on the best of us,
Look at you you're growing old so young,
Traffic lights blink at you in the evening,
Tilt your head and turn into the sun,

Sometimes the T.V. is like a lover,
Singing softly as you fall asleep,
You wake up in the morning and it's still there,
Adding up the things you'll never be,

Alright, I can say what you want me to,
Alright, I can do all the things you do,
Alright, I'll make it all up for you,
I'm still in love with you,
I'm still in love with you,

Time can take its toll on the best of us,
Look at you you're growing old so young,
Traffic lights blink at you in the evening,
Tilt your head and turn into the sun,

You disembark the latest flight from paradise,
You almost turn your ankle in the snow,
You fall back into where you started,
Make up songs you used to know,
So...

Alright, I can say what you want me to,
Alright, I can do all the things you do,
Alright, I'll make it all up for you,
I'm still in love with you,
I'm still in love with you,

The hard luck god,
You never had a chance you know,
Incurable romantics never do
He held a flame I wasn't born to carry,
I'll leave the dying you stuff up to you,

You get back on the latest flight to paradise,
I found out, from a note taped to the door;
I think I saw your airplane in the sky tonight,
Through my window, lying on the kitchen floor.

Alright, I can say what you want me to,
[I want more]
Alright, I can do all the things you do,
[Give me more]
Alright, I'll make it all up for you,
I'm still in love with you,
I'm still in love with you,
[I want more]

Alright, I'll say you want me to,
Alright, I'll do all the things you do,
Alright, I'll make it all up for you,
I'm still in love with you,
I'm still in love with you..

love, love, love

2006-01-17T00:48:00.000-06:00

as i said yesterday, i start school tomorrow, and i can't say that i'm ready. but that's all right. i am excited for the classes i'm taking and for the class i'm helping with. i'd be even more excited if i knew i'd have time to do everything i want to do this semester - i've made a list of things to do, and i guess the scope of it all may be much longer than one semester. but maybe. foolish hopefulness in this instance isn't such a bad thing.

today i received an email from a good friend that was great. the email was something i appreciated a lot, but that's hardly the point of me writing this for others to read. what is important is this quote she included, and i think it's worth your time to read and reflect on it. particularly because martin luther king, jr. should be honored today and most days, in much the same way that rosa parks, gandhi, and numerous other people should be, for using the pragmatic, active approach to love, not only in their personal lives, but in their public lives. here's king on love and power.

What is needed is a realization that power without love is reckless and abusive, and love without power is sentimental and anemic. Power at its best is love implementing the demands of justice, and justice at its best is power correcting everything that stands against love... I know that love is ultimately the only answer to mankind's problems. And I'm going to talk about it everywhere I go.

king's words are amazing, for me more powerful even than oft-quoted preambles to the dream speech. just as powerful is the dedication to love and life i've found in my interactions with my favorite professors and mentors. one of them has a book coming out this spring called love, love, love. professor taliaferro is one of the smartest and funniest people i've met, and also one of the most caring and helpful. i'm glad to know him, and i can't wait to read this book. here's the quote listed on amazon from the book's introduction.

Three days before his death, my father, at 95 years old, held hands with me and repeated the word Love three times. The essays were written over five years. All are written with the aim of combining humor with seriousness.

in a similar vein, at least with a similar title, is a song by the mountain goats, of the album sunset tree. i'd listened to them some before at the request of my brother, but he gave me this cd for christmas, and i must admit i've listened to it tons of times recently. there are a number of good songs on the album, both musically and lyrically. this one is the most striking given the present topic of this note. i recommend getting the song and listening to it, then just sitting for five minutes and thinking about it, and the rest of these thoughts. perhaps thinking about love, love, love for five minutes each day is the most important thing people can do. in the powerful way, never anemic. i could tell stories of what people do for love--real, powerful, active, pragmatic love. but i think that for now, reflect and write your own stories. i'll do the same.

love, love, love by the mountain goats

king saul fell on his sword
when it all went wrong
and joseph's brother sold him down the river for a song
and sonny liston rubbed some tigerbalm in his glove
some things you do for money
and some you do for love love love

raskalnikov felt sick
but he couldn't say why
when he saw his face reflected
in his victim's twinkling eye
some things you do for money
and some you'll do for fun
but the things you do for love
are gonna come back to you one by one

love love is gonna lead you by the hand
into a white and soundless place
now we see this
as in a mirror dimly
then we shall see each other
face to face

and way out in seattle
young kurt cobain
snuck out to the garden
put a bullet in his brain
snakes in the grass beneath out feet
rain in the clouds above
some moments last forever
and some flare out with love love love

these small degrees

2006-01-16T02:40:00.000-06:00

i still haven't defended my thesis, though the time is getting close, and that's exciting actually. i start second semester in a couple days, and though i'm excited, i actually think that i would be quite productive, even from a graduate student type of perspective, were i to remain "on break" and in charge of my time and reading/writing choices. i've made it to that point, and i think that as a graduate student, that should be enough (i'm actually one of those people who'd reached that point as a junior in college when i started taking a lot of independent studies, and i wish i could be doing the same right now). i'd like to say to those involved in my graduate experience - hi, i don't need to take any more classes - just give me a little bit of time to talk with you so you can recommend ideas or paths to follow and so you can read my thoughts when i have them written down. i'm to that point. and i'm confused that everything now is supposed to aim at one project - that all my time and effort should be devoted to one pursuit until i have my phd. that just seems crazy, especially when in the last three weeks, i've written up ten different project ideas i'd like to pursue sometime in the near future (and these are all just academic dissertation type ideas).

right now, i'm probably feeling the best that my thesis is nearing some closure and that my advisor thinks it's good enough that i should pursue something like it for the dissertation (though i have a number of other ideas i'd also like to pursue). i enjoy learning about random things - today this meant bonobos, richard posner's thoughts on jurisprudence, the apparent lack of scandinavian nature writing, and the history of daylight savings time. i'm also really happy that i've learned how to make a few foods, most notably granola, based on a recipe given by a good friend. and i'm pleased with my bag that i use to carry food home from the grocery store (and yes, i walk). and i'm happy for another mild winter, though i may worry about us having seven mild winters in a row here. besides, i really wish that the black hills of south dakota were getting a lot of snow to give the area a big groundwater recharge. strange wishes...

this is a song by some friends, and i think it's quite good (look for it when they release it in a month or so). i was lucky enough to have a listening session, and i think the upcoming album should be good. there's something about the lyrics that i like, and i think it's the reference to bulimia/anorexia without condemning, proselytizing, or advocating a change. and this seems somewhat strange at first glance, because there's something quite wrong, and terribly dangerous about that kind of situation. the song i most associate with eating disorders is ana's song by silverchair, off the album that i listened to more than any other my senior year of high school. in that case, daniel johns was talking about his own experiences with anorexia (less associated with males, and interesting for that reason) - and the video was quite well done i thought. but i think the perspective given in this song is different, and is interesting, for the following reason.

when i coach soccer, one of the things i've learned is that there are certain times and situations where people need to know what they could do differently, perhaps better, in their actions. but there are also a number of times when they already know that they've done something wrong, and even what they should have done, without anyone telling them this. if someone kicks a ball over the goal when shooting on a fast break, or commits a stupid foul, most often that person doesn't need to be told this - it's known. instead, the player should be told not to worry about it for now, until something can be done about it (i usually tell players to forget about it during the game, and then spend 2-5 minutes thinking about it intensely afterwards, after which the memory is released).

i'm pretty sure this isn't the message of this song, but it's relevant - i'm certainly not an expert on something like this, but i am a real person who has dealt with a few friends experiencing eating disorders, and i never knew how to react, except to be supportive, not of the eating disorder, but of the person. and i think that this song, more than most, demonstrates that view. that someone can be loved and supported and helped, that lives can be shared, when things are imperfect. and i don't have to like what someone does in order to care for that person. i remember a conversation with my mom when i was in high school, where i said to her that just because some of my friends had started smoking, drinking, and smoking pot, i wasn't going to stop being friends with them. friendship and love seemed more important, and i think in a lot of ways, that holds true, even based on different worldviews, political stances, theologies, and choices about lifestyle. i want my friends and family to know what i think about those things, but i don't want any of it to get in the way of caring.

Beautiful Skeleton by The Glad Version

You're such a beautiful skeleton,
and I've got some meat to spare
so bring your bones in here.
And I'll take care of everything.
We'll look so wonderful intertwined.
I never thought I could love a ghost
until I saw right through you.
You're arms are pale and thin.
And you've got no reflection in the mirror on my wall.

Oh, it's better here since I opened my eyes.
It's been a year since I've written a thing.
I guess it took your fragile frame to wake me up.

Dry heaves and an empty plate.
Full drinks and a pulsing brain.
I guess we all have our faults.
But we are fine in our disease.
We are dying by these small degrees, and...

I just can't wait til we are perfect.
Heaven knows that we deserve it.
It wasn't broke but we still fix it.
No medicine can heal the spirit.

Oh, it's better here since I opened my eyes.
It's been a year since I've written a thing.
I guess it took your fragile frame to wake me up.

the only things that save you

2006-01-08T02:21:00.000-06:00

i'm back in in the twin cities after spending around three weeks at home. not much has changed really, but life does of course continue on without me, and i think i'm glad for that. it's good to know that you're missed, but that you're not really essential to the workings of anyone's universe. the world is much bigger than me, and it doesn't need me too desperately. i like that.

i had a lot of amazing times over break, but i'll mention just one right now. here's the story/memory i find most strangely humorous. my mother's brother and his family were visiting us for a family christmas eve dinner, and it was good to see my cousins. the best part of the night came when my uncle (who is hilarious) asked the table what we thought some jello looked like. my mom had made red jello with some fruit in it, in a molded bowl and them taken it out of the bowl and put it on a platter (or plate perhaps). so we all pondered a second or two, and as i was about to come up with something i thought the jello looked like, my cousin (also hilarious) said that the jello looked like a gut pile (like from an animal). i admit being taken aback - that of course hadn't occurred to me. my uncle said he thought it looking like that mountain out in wyoming - it finally came out that he was talking about devil's tower, and maybe the jello looked a little bit like that, but thinking about the jello looking like a gut pile still makes me laugh.

in addition to playing soccer, seeing long lost friends, spending time with my family, drawing pictures, framing photographs, listening to music, writing stories, learning about norway and sweden, and reading a bunch, i also found some time to work on my thesis - and i'm getting pretty close to done. i'm not going to make the deadline i wanted to make, but that's probably good in a way because i'll be able to take more time to revise some. at any rate, i'm really glad that i have good friends, colleagues, and advisors that can support me in working on the thesis. that's helped a lot.

this is a poem by someone my younger brother introduced me to (and from a book he got me for christmas) - i really like it, very much, and for a number of reasons. one of them relates to place - the part of minnesota about which he's writing is the part that i drive through every time i go between school and home - which i've done tons of times in the last seven years. at any rate, that part of the country can be somewhat desolate, in a lonely and quiet sort of way. but it's also beautiful, and right now, the snow makes everything white as far as you can see. as i drove back here yesterday, all the trees were still covered beautifully in snow, and as i looked forward, the sky and snow-covered ground blended into one in the unfocused parts of my vision - it wasn't white-out conditions (though i've made the trip in every severe weather situation possible), but it was pure white all around me. quite stunning.

whiteness by stephen dunn

On the way to Cottonwood, Minnesota,
along Route 23,
a white horse used to graze--
apparitional, always startling--
like birches suddenly among evergreens.
Eight years have passed
and it's become something clean
and unharnessed for the mind to hold
amid the rush of atrocities;
I see it lifting
its head, cantering toward a barn
where no other animal lived.
There are friends I could ask
but I don't want to know if the horse
is still there or how the winters might have changed it.
Here there are billboards
on the marshland where egrets
once lived, and that's enough of progress,
enough of the way of things.
Years ago, before experience,
I watched a lovely woman
walk toward me naked,
carrying her shyness like a gift,
and that woman and that horse
are among the photographs untaken
that I plan to die with,
vivid in their whiteness,
pumping blood to and from the heart
even after, maybe for a second or two,
my eyes close and there's nothing.

this song is good, and it's been in my head a lot lately - along with a few other songs i'll probalby mention soon. i think that those of you who've never listened to them should get this song, and play it, and move in your head with it.

rebellion lies by arcade fire

Sleeping is giving in,
no matter what the time is.
Sleeping is giving in,
so lift those heavy eyelids.

People say that you'll die
faster than without water.
But for all we know it's just a lie,
scare your son, scare your daughter.

People say that your dreams
are the only things that save you.
Come on baby in our dreams,
we can live our misbehavior.

Every time you close your eyes
Lies, lies!
Every time you close your eyes
Lies, lies!
Every time you close your eyes
Lies, lies!
Every time you close your eyes
Lies, lies!
Every time you close your eyes
Every time you close your eyes
Every time you close your eyes
Every time you close your eyes

People try and hide the night
underneath the covers.
People try and hide the light
underneath the covers.

Come on hide your lovers
underneath the covers,
come on hide your lovers
underneath the covers.

Hidin' from your brothers
underneath the covers,
come on hide your lovers
underneath the covers.

People say that you'll die
faster than without water,
but we know it's just a lie,
scare your son, scare your daughter,
Scare your son, scare your daughter.
Scare your son, scare your daughter.

Now here's the sun, it's alright!
Lies, lies!
Now here's the moon, it's alright!
Lies, lies!
Now here's the sun, it's alright!
Lies, lies!
Now here's the moon it's alright
Lies, lies!

Every time you close your eyes
Lies, lies!
Every time you close your eyes
Lies, lies!
Every time you close your eyes
Lies, lies!
Every time you close your eyes
Lies, lies!

Every time you close your eyes
Every time you close your eyes
Lies, lies!

both of you'll get practice

2005-12-26T01:44:00.000-06:00

today was a day of gifts, and i enjoy both giving and receiving gifts. i don't relish having stuff, but i do appreciate the underlying reasons for the stuff, and i love the connections with my family and friends that often accompany the stuff.

i mostly received more books today, yes books, those perfect bound documents that have come to dominate my life. i mostly gave books also, though i may be giving some framed pictures also. i love the books, and i don't cringe from getting a large number of them, because i've found that reading books is a good way to spend time, and books are good experiences to share with others, even at greater distances. i enjoy them, and i love to read them and talk about them with friends and family.

i've also come to an important realization today, one that likely seems silly to everyone else, that explains one of my strange little habits and beliefs for those who know me best. i often do not eat breakfast, even though my parents have tried to encourage the habit, my friends have criticized my eating habits, and i myself have tried to change. yet it always seemed to me that animals, like large snakes or other predators didn't need to eat all that often - maybe once every few months even. but over this weekend, my mom once again brought up the research espousing the importance of eating breakfast, to which i dismissed as usual. then i read something about the transition between cold and warm blooded animals, and what was given up in that transition, the ability to not eat for a while. i still think about large cats or wolves or bears and think about their eating habits, but i suppose i should just eat often, especially in the morning, recognizing that i'm not a snake, not a hibernating bear, or a starving predator. i guess eating breakfast might be good for me. i'll work on that.

over the last day or two, i wasn't visited by any ghosts, and i almost hate mentioning ghosts of the future during this most cliche time of year, when commercials use puns and references to anything and everything that might strike a note with people, encouraging them somehow to consume more, get more stuff, and this particular stuff at that. so if i were to counteract these unfortunate references to everything i might have once held dear as important parts of popular culture--those things that i share with a large group of people--my method of insurgence is to encourage people to listen to this song, read the words, and perhaps take them to heart.

ghost of corporate future by regina spektor

A man walks out of his apartment,
It is raining, he's got no umbrella
He starts running beneath the awnings,
Trying to save his suit,
Trying to save his suit.
Trying to dry, and to dry, and to dry but no good

When he gets to the crowded subway platform,
He takes off both of his shoes
He steps right into somebody's fat loogie
And everyone who sees him says, "Ew."
Everyone who sees him says, "Ew."

But he doesn't care,
'Cause last night he got a visit from the
Ghost of Corporate Future
The ghost said, "Take off both your shoes
Whatever chances you get
Especially when they're wet."

He also said,
"Imagine you go away
On a business trip one day
And when you come back home,
Your children have grown
And you never made your wife moan,
Your children have grown
And you never made your wife moan."

"And people make you nervous
You'd think the world is ending,
And everybody's features have somehow started blending
And everything is plastic,
And everyone's sarcastic,
And all your food is frozen,
It needs to be defrosted."

"You'd think the world was ending,
You'd think the world was ending,
You'd think the world was ending right now.
You'd think the world was ending,
You'd think the world was ending,
You'd think the world was ending right now."

"Well maybe you should just drink a lot less coffee,
And never ever watch the ten o'clock news,
Maybe you should kiss someone nice,
Or lick a rock,
Or both."

"Maybe you should cut your own hair
'Cause that can be so funny
It doesn't cost any money
And it always grows back
Hair grows even after you're dead"

"And people are just people,
They shouldn't make you nervous.
The world is everlasting,
It's coming and it's going.
If you don't toss your plastic,
The streets won't be so plastic.
And if you kiss somebody,
Then both of you'll get practice."

"The world is everlasting
Put dirtballs in your pocket,
Put dirtballs in your pocket,
And take off both your shoes.
'Cause people are just people,
People are just people,
People are just people like you.
People are just people,
People are just people,
People are just people like you."

The world is everlasting
It's coming and it's going
The world is everlasting
It's coming and it's going
It's coming and it's going

in the woods one christmas eve

2005-12-25T00:33:00.000-06:00

i'm home at my parents' house. and that's good. i've had fun here, seen people i don't get to see enough, seen others that i don't really need to see, and spent time with my family. i've read two books by scott russell sanders (along with three of his childrens books), read two other books, and started three more. so i've read a lot, i've written a bunch, looked at grading some, and i've hopefully rested up some too. i've played indoor soccer three afternoons, aggravated my ever-hurting ankles, and even hurt my back yesterday. i've went to brookings bars three nights, in all their smoky grandeur. i have a hard time understanding why every bar here is full of smoke. i'm sure that at least one bar could be quite successful being smoke-free.

this isn't all i've been thinking or doing. while i have yet to finish writing my thesis (i've been trying to take a break from it to recover some objectivity), i have started writing some childrens type stories for my niece. i've also started trying to figure out how to design houses (not doing all that great so far) and worked with photographs (matting and framing them). rather than wrapping christmas presents in wrapping paper, i've been wrapping them in my drawing paper, and then using soft pastels to draw a picture for the packaging. i kind of like that better anyway - it takes longer, but i have time to spend.

a few people have been asking me why i haven't written lately, and i apologize for that - i've just been trying to take a break from my computer, especially with all the typing i've had to do recently. it's all been fine, but i sometime react and want to get away from any long-term connection to a computer. i read emails, but don't send many. i type up ideas, but i don't type up a lot. so yes, i haven't been as academically productive, but it seems forgiveable.

i love it when my older relatives tell stories. quite truthfully, i enjoy the time i spend hearing their stories much more than i enjoy hearing relatives talk about politics. whether they are just reminiscing about a place or a person, or about the crazy things they did when they were younger, i find those times the best of my times among my family. this evening my cousins and i reminisced about our younger days together, doing whatever we did, but the most remarkable story was my uncle telling about he and another uncle staging a fight when they were younger, involving real guns being shot (with blanks) at each other inside their house, trying to scare my grandmother and her friends that were over visiting that day. i find these sorts of things crazy, but it's just the beginning of the stories my uncles can tell about their childhoods.

one involves my uncle paul and my uncle david. paul used to try to impress the girls by climbing a light pole. my uncle david decided he could outdo paul by pulling out a pistol and shooting out the light on the pole. they grew up in a small town in south dakota, and i'm sure there were crazy boys in most towns, but i think that my uncles were as crazy as most get. whenever we are back there visiting the town for whatever class reunion, we'll drive into town, and people on main street waiting for the parade will part to avoid them, it seems out of sheer terror. i usually find it funny myself.

i think that my parents on both sides of my family have just as crazy of stories like this, only my mom had more brothers than my dad did. i guess that my older brothers tried to carry on the legacy of terror (not in the terrorism sense, but in the crazy and somewhat predictably dangerous way). growing up in town--even with weekly visits to our grandparents' farms--had a big influence on all of us not being as crazy as we could be. but i think that in my brothers and me, there's still the latent and ever-upwelling urges to be crazy and dangerous. i don't know quite what that means, but it usually relates back to the indepent and free and sometimes stubborn parts of our personalities. i guess it works out, at least since somehow we've all survived up to this point. i do think that the stories that my family members have told me have not been some of my favorite parts of my time spent with them. the stories have also largely influenced how we grew up, thinking we had to be crazy and tough and dangerous. i find it kind of interesting. at any rate, i see less of some of my relatives than i'd like, especially lately, and i miss those stories. i wish i could just record them all, or i could hear them enough that i could comfortably retell them without messing them up or forgetting them. i guess that's my christmas wish this year.

i haven't spent this christmas eve in the woods. but i've listened to this song a number of times lately - i have found myself listening to iron and wine a lot lately - my brother and his good friend introduced me to a new song by iron and wine called the trapeze swinger. it's long and beautiful, but this one is more of this moment, and yet beyond it - both of them are about remembering loves. i think i like that a lot. quite beautiful.

Sixteen, Maybe Less by Iron and Wine and Calexico

Beyond the ridge on the left, you asked me what I want
Between the trees and cicadas singing 'round the pond
“I spent and hour with you, should I want anything else?”
One grin and wink like a neon on a liquor store
We were sixteen, maybe less, maybe a little more
I walked home smiling, I finally had a story to tell

And though an autumn-time lullaby sang our new-born love to sleep
My brother told me, he saw you there
In the woods one Christmas Eve, waiting

I met my wife at a party when I drank too much
My son is married and tells me we don’t talk enough
Call it predictable, yesterday my dream was of you
Beyond the ridge on the left, the sun had left the sky
Between the trees and the pond you put your hand in mine
Said, “Time has bridled us both but I remember you, too”

And though an autumn-time lullaby sang our new-born love to sleep
I dreamt I traveled and found you there
In the woods one Christmas Eve, waiting

so simple

2005-12-03T22:44:00.000-06:00

today has been spent resting, recovering from a tiring week, preparing for one that will likely be just as busy if not more so. but that's the life of those whose lives are heavily influenced by semester schedules, and i don't mind it all that much. the important thing is that i like what i'm doing, and i do (though it's not the only important thing - another is having enough time to rest, that sort of thing).

friday i drove up to duluth to work on ecology research again, and i don't particularly enjoy driving, but it's fine really. and the ecology research went really well - we made a lot of great progress, and we're getting much closer to fine on the model. and when i was writing this at 2am, i had been up for about 21 hours (four and a half driving, ten working, i guess the rest hanging out with my housemates). so i didn't post it then because i needed to finish the godthoughts today. i'll probably be writing my thesis with most of my time this weekend.

thursday i met with some of my students, and i thought that the conferences went pretty well - most of my students can write and communicate pretty well, at least if they have a chance to write and revise their papers, and now we're working on final revisions of papers so it's fun and interesting to work with them on something that they haven't devoted as much time to in the past. and i think they'll end up writing papers that they think are good. i'm confident of that much at least.

okay, i have mentioned religion thoughts recently, and i guess i'll talk about that for a little bit. i've benefited greatly from a theology class in college with a great professor, conversations with my brother and with a some best friends, including all the ones i've lived with who have thought of going to seminary and/or studied religion in college and beyond. some conversations with my best friend have been spread out over the last four years because we talk about this sort of thing sometimes. the conversation with my brother took place a week ago, and for the first time i felt like most of my thoughts all fit together - before i felt like i knew what i thought, but i really couldn't put it into context or make as much sense of it in the larger scope of things.

then today i talked to a best friend who is studying religion out in california, and soon to be taking a course from my favorite religion scholars (rosemary radford ruether), along with being in the very place where i think the most interesting theology work is going on (getting to interact with john b. cobb and marjorie suchocki, among others).

so at any rate, there was a time when i thought i might become a pastor (i was raised as an elca lutheran and was involved with my church through music, worship, and church boards). there was another time when i thought that i would become a professor of religion (quite recently even). who knows - maybe it will still happen, but i feel like i can do interesting stuff no matter what i do so i'll probably just continue working on what i'm doing, just as long as i know and can talk to people in other interesting areas. one thing to note here i guess is that i recognize that i'm speaking from my perspective, i'm using words that come from my perspective, and i'm talking about what matters to me. i'm not as able to talk about other religions quite as well, use other words, that sort of thing, even though i have done some minimal learning about other religions. i've grown up and lived on the plains of north america, around people that are generally white christian people.

so i've thought about religious issues for a while, and there are some practical reasons for thinking about them, related to what i should believe, what activities i choose to be involved in when i start to make a home, a community. and i guess it also comes up concerning whether or not to have my kids go to church at some point. and to figure that sort of thing out, i have to figure out what i mean by, and what i think of, such things as religion, theology, church, and spirituality. for me, ethics and morality may be based on religious views, but they don't have to be.

i think that religion kind of serves as the umbrella term that protects theology, church, spirituality, and maybe even values and ethics from the rain (not sure why we use the word umbrella in ways like this - that's why i threw in the rain part). theology relates to the more thought-based way of understanding religion, talking about god mostly. church is the institutional element of religion, the communities and groups that people join to share their religious lives with others. and spirituality is the more feeling-based way of understanding religion, often the parts that we live and embody, but can't explain quite as easily, the way we live in the world, and it doesn't have to have anything to do with god, theology, or institutions/churches. i think that if religion encompasses theology, church, and spirituality, that's not a bad thing. but i could probably also use words like thoughts, community, and feelings for those three words.

maybe i should step back here and say something about why we might have religion right now, why it exists. or maybe the more specific question concerning judeo-christian religions is why do we have worship? first religion generally, i think that religion is a way for people to understand the world, and for many people, especially historically, it probably was the main way people understood the world. religion also existed to help people deal with mystery, the unknown, the things that we don't know or can't understand - afterlife issues, how the world and all the things we find on it came to be the way they are. some of these issues have become things that science has tried to address - especially how the world came to be the way it is. there are of course gaps, like what happens when we die, things that science probably will never address. i also think that religion helps people deal with things, live life, in ways that philosophy and ethics cannot, or maybe just do/have not. religion is more able to deal with uncertainty, in fact one of its basic premises is that we cannot know everything about the world, more than the world, including what we might call god. that gives it some basic freedom to deal with anxiety and relationships in ways that ethics and philosophy sometimes do not.

in the practical world, i think that religion, particularly church institutions can serve to preserve power structures, sanction the status quo as some of my favorite theologians say. at base, churches should be places that embody and allow for community among those who share similar theologies and spiritualities, which is not to say the communities shouldn't interact among themselves. they do not need to be dictatorial organizations that tell people what to believe, tell them how to vote or act, nor give credence to biases and stereotypes. churches can and should be focusing on issues of justice, and lending greater consideration and kindness regarding other people and non-humans. i'll return to this practical area a little later.

now that i've gotten all that out of the way--maybe not out of the way, but at least there's some room on the floor so i don't have to be walking on clothes, guitars, and books on my way from the door to bed--now that i've said a little about those things, i can say a little bit about god. what is my theology? i almost wrote mythology, which probably isn't that far off, but humor me for a little bit. do i believe in god? yes. is it clear what i mean by that? no, i don't think so. there are a number of ways that one could understand god, and i'm quite sure that even christian theologians aren't in agreement, and even the more specific groups of catholics or lutherans don't have a clear and simple view, and i don't think they should. they probably try to simplify too much as a general rule, and their language is often vague, while simultaneously not acknowledging that very quality.

god in ordinary language might mean someone who is amazing and great and perfect. god could also be used to mean something that embodies an ultimate - goodness, control, power, something like that. so i could believe in a personal god that is like a human, only all powerful, all good, and all controlling of what goes on in the universe. this doesn't seem like a bad fiction to me - it helps me to understand and relate to god to think of god as a person with those ultimate qualities. and certain christian stories (old testament creation stories for instance) certainly want me to think of us humans as being created in the image, or likeness of god, which means that we look like god, or god looks like us, depending on how you construct the analogy. but i'm not inclined to put much stock in creation stories as being "true" really.

so just to use a few theology words, i could consider to be one of the following possibilities: a deist (someone who believes in a god/creator, but one that doesn't interact with creation any more), a theist (someone who believes in a god/creator that can interact with the world, and that individuals can have a relationship with), a pantheist (someone who believes that the universe is god), a panentheist (someone who believes that god is the universe and more), an atheist (someone who doesn't believe in any god or supranatural existence), or an agnostic (someone who stays out of the whole question and says they don't hold any of these beliefs). none of these quite capture the complexity of what i think of when i think of god. and i'm not going to try defining myself negatively because it just takes too long. but to put it simply, i believe not that god is some perfect human-type being. i am most closely attuned to the panentheistic view, that god is both a creative force in the universe and something with which i can have a personal relationship with, though god may not take always take an active role in shaping the world. in this way, god is both the world (all the people and non-people that i interact with), but also more than the world (in a way that basically says i can't conceive of ultimate anything, or universal anything).

so how do i understand the issues of god's power, control, and inherent goodness in the world? this gets at one of the fundamental questions that theologians deal with, and most people try to work out in their own minds how they conceive of a god that is good, powerful, and active in the world while there still exists things that we consider to be bad, or to use stronger and in some cases more problematic language, there exist things that we consider to be evil. if god controls everything, then there not only isn't much room for free will, which is basically people's ability to do what they want. if god controls our actions, then it becomes somewhat pointless to punish people who do wrong, and it makes even less sense for people to try to be anything, to act the way they want to act (be good, ethical, etc). one response here is that only those people who bring a personal god into their lives give the control to god and act in ways that god controls. the problems with this view are that it means god really isn't all controlling, and it seems slightly off base if people who think they've brought god into their lives still act in less desirable ways. stated slightly differently, if god controls everything and is the ultimate good, then how can their be these evils in the world?

there are number of ways of dealing with this sort of thing, and many of them may offer a consistent view of the world, and some of them may be backed up by certain religious documents or thoughts, but often there may be internal conflict within those documents, or at the very least ambiguity. in these cases, i think it's fair for me, and anyone else for that matter, to ask whether we want to understand god to be a certain way based on all these issues. the first response might be to say that bad things that happen in the world serve the greater good, a good that we might not be able to understand here and now. this answer just isn't good enough for me - it's hard for me to say that the worst things that happen in our society, in our history, that they serve some greater good, follow some plan given by an all good and all controlling god.

here's where i come down i guess. i think that god is all good. god is the ultimate good influence on everything in the world, an influence that is creative, but also inherently good, however it is that we make sense of that word. i think that god is all powerful, in that god could do anything. but i don't think that god is all controlling. and here's where i make a key distinction between controlling and influencing. i see god as working to influence everything in the world to be good, to be creative, to be caring, to be kind, to be helpful. but god does not act in the world to control what we do, and we do not always act in good ways, even though god is acting in our lives (through whatever ways) to influence us to be good.

in this way, god has given up a certain amount of control to allow for there to be more good in the world. all of our good actions everyday, all of them are our own, that we can be responsible for, where we are the ones acting, not good. and yes, people do bad things, and sometimes things that we call evil happen--genocides, murders, rapes, other violent acts, other violent feelings. but the amazing goodness of the world exists in the overall good things that happen between people and others, and between non-people. and this all comes back to what religion is, something that i consider how we relate to god through all the other things in the world, and within ourselves. and that basically addresses how i conceive of the word sin. in some people's views, sin is what happens when someone does those things that are forbidden by god. in my view, sin is what happens when we hurt our relationship with god, hurt our relationship with others. the things we might generally recognize as sins, they're just examples on which to get us going, things that are probably going to mess up our relationships with others if we think of them in the abstract. but it could be that they wouldn't actually hurt our relationships with ourselves or anyone, or anything, and therefore wouldn't be sin because they don't hurt our relationship with god. and as i'm saying this, i really don't think that this view is all that inconsistent with certain readings of the christian bible - i'm at least willing to talk about the places where it might not be so clear.

well, if that's what god and sin mean to me, then how do i understand heaven and hell, or afterlife issues more generally? i think that a lot of people's views of heaven and hell are based much more on strange ideas brought up in literature and popular culture. i don't believe that there is all that much of a basis for thinking that heaven and hell "really are" places in the normal sense of the word place, in much the same way that god is not some kind looking old gentleman kingly type guy. these are just images that help us understand these ideas in ways that relate to our experiential way of understanding the world. we use these sorts of words and images to help us understand the terribly complex, necessarily imcomprehensible topics that we're talking about and thinking about. i therefore don't think that hell is a hot, flame-filled place where a guy with horns resides and tortures people. i merely think of the christian afterlife as being based on a continuation of a relationship with god, that is, with all the good things we care about and the inherent goodness in the world. hell is an eternal loss of relationship with god, which in practical terms means dying in the simple sense of the word. you're dead, and that's that. with a view in the christian afterlife, i need to have a good relationship with god during my life, and then that relationship (and with all those others that help embody god in a more concrete sense), that relationship will continue after i've died in the simple sense of the word. my relationship with god will continue, and whatever that means.

i feel like this view helps deal with some of the anxiety someone might feel about dying, about an afterlife. it works well enough for me to think that when i die, i'll be able to keep the relationships with god (myself and others) rather than just ceasing to exist. for me, it works to think of sin as the absence of a relationship with god, or as a bad relationship with god. for me, it works to think of hell as ceasing to exist. i would have a problem thinking that someone who didn't encounter some religion or theology to be sent to a burning, torturous place by an all-good god, or even allowed to go there. i'd much prefer that at worst, that person just dies and is dead. and it's quite possible that they can have a good relationship with god without encountering some particular religion or theology.

i personally don't see this as being a problematic way of understanding the world, god, goodness, sin, death, and everything else. and i know that my views will likely continue to change as i get older, but i also don't see a marked change from the path that i'm following now. but who knows really.

here it makes sense to come back to institutional religion, and since i've already said a little about what i think of it. given all this, it could very well be that i don't agree with institutional theology of my particular home church (elca lutheran let's say). and it could be that there isn't a clear choice for a church that understands god, sin, heaven, hell, and all the rest in the same way. and i suppose this presents a problem. but as i described earlier, i think that there are three parts to religion, and people who want to be religious should include three things in their lives: theology, spirituality, and community. they should try to think about what they think about god or religion so that they could describe their thoughts to themselves, and maybe to others. i think that people should give thought to spirituality, the religious feelings and experiences one can have. this means that if you find yourself praying or having a spiritual moment before you eat or travel or every night at 11:11, that's fine. it could be that you feel the most whole, or grounded, or spiritual while spending time around your family or while out walking in the woods (two places in which i have feelings of spirituality), then you should seek out those times when you can. last, i think that part of religion relates to community, sharing one's beliefs and spirituality with others, whether it is with the non-human animals in your life, your life partner and family, your church community, or your friends. i don't think it's necessary to have a church to find people to share religion, but i do think that it helps, and i would go so far as to say that sometimes people are too lazy to find it elsewhere, so it's good to have an easy place to go and a community to share these things with.

i have one issue that i've kind of been avoiding up until this point, and that is worship. i don't know why worship is an essential of christian institutions and beliefs. i think that having a good relationship with god and others is essential. i think that worship can be superfluous, except that it might be a way to get people together, sharing time, space, and energy in a community event. i really don't think that i've thought enough about worship, but i think that it has something to do with it not making sense to me in the first place. i even sing the songs and say the prayers, but i don't think that i'm necessarily doing these things for the reasons that some people think i should be.

i guess the only reason i might is because i enjoy the feeling, the spiritual nature of it, and also the social nature of it - sharing in community experiences related to religion. but i agree with my brother that the non-worship aspects of church (getting together to do good things for the larger community or for others further removed), these aspects seem to be a more interesting and better use of time. and i'd probably find more value in getting together with people in community, and going out and walking and talking and experiencing the world rather than getting together in a building and worshipping a god by using metaphors that i find problematic (king, lord, father as opposed to parent, friend, lover when thinking about god).

so i don't think that i'd have an easy time concluding anything from this, and i'm not sure i want to, but i hope that it makes sense, and i hope that if it doesn't, you'll talk to me about it. that sort of confusion provides us with the perfect opportunity to have a clarifying and interesting conversation, something that i think that god would approve of, whatever the case.

if you want to get more background for what i've been talking about, at least in part, some of it more clearly influential on my thoughts than the rest, i'd recommend looking into the following books: models of god by sallie mcfague; process theology, an introductory exposition by john b. cobb and david ray griffin; the fall to violence, original sin in a relational ontology by marjorie suchocki; sexism and god-talk by rosemary radford ruether; and, the nature and destiny of man by reinhold niebuhr.

after spending quite a bit of time writing my thoughts on religion, i hope that i haven't totally alienated (with my ideas) or frustrated (with my lengthy writing) those who read my thoughts here. it's not going to be every day that i write this much, about this sort of topic (unless of course everyone tells me that i should). look forward to a return to shorter writings, with more short stories and memories, but still with song lyrics and recommendations. that's been the core of this throughout, and while i might deviate sometimes, i won't make it too much of a habit. i have been asked to write a little bit more on a few of my crazier ideas, like the pro-death position. maybe i'll do that sometime soon.

the following song is amazing, and i guess it's been available for eleven months now. if you haven't listened to it, and loved it, by now, then this is my active encouragement for you to do so. i admit that bright eyes can be somewhat sad sometimes, but i'd much prefer to think of his music, and this song especially so, as being winter music. it's quiet, beautiful, and keeps me going when things are cold and hibernating for the season. i also chose this song because of the element of simplicity, which i think that is warranted after a long discussion of my religious views. oh, and one more thing, i'd really appreciate people emailing me their thoughts on religion: theology, spirituality, and community. i think it's an important part of our lives, and i love learning about others' thoughts and feelings on their lives. post a response, or send me an email: unintruder@yahoo.com

lua by bright eyes

I know that it is freezing, but I think we have to walk
I keep waving at the taxis, they keep turning their lights off
But Julie knows a party at some actor's West side loft
Supplies are endless in the evening by the morning they'll be gone

When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend
I'll get a coffee and the paper, have my own conversations
with the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection
The mask I polish in the evening by the morning looks like shit

And I know you have a heavy heart, I can feel it when we kiss
So many men stronger than me have thrown their backs out trying to lift it
But me I'm not a gamble, you can count on me to split
The love I sell you in the evening by the morning won't exist

You're looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black
Just keep going to the bathroom, always say you'll be right back
Well, it takes one to know one, kid, I think you've got it bad
But what's so easy in the evening by the morning's such a drag

I got a flask inside my pocket, we can share it on the train
And if you promise to stay conscious I will try and do the same
We might die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain
But what was normal in the evening by the morning seems insane

And I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did
It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live
Cause what is simple in the moonlight by the morning never is

And what's so simple in the moonlight now it's so complicated
And what's so simple in the moonlight, so simple in the moonlight
So simple in the moonlight

many times we've shared our thoughts

2005-12-01T01:30:00.000-06:00

so i've kind of settled into metaphor for my life. one of them at least. it's certainly not a new one i guess - i have always enjoyed reading, and i was reading the tolkien books when i was in second and third grade (over and over and over again) - i think this kind of confused my teachers. but it shouldn't have. i don't think i really understood most of the story, most of what was going on in those books when i read them. but i knew them. i knew the stories, and i knew they were good - i could tell even before i knew what brilliance existed in tolkien's partially historical, partially fantastic stories.

i am convinced that there's something to this, to the idea that people can know stories before they understand them - i think of young children sitting around a campfire as an elder tells stories. the elder knew how to adapt the stories to a young audience, certainly, but they also knew that the young ones didn't need to understand all aspects of the story, that there could be other layers that became clear as they grew and experienced more. i guess this is all a digression, but i enjoy the thought. i'll return to talking about the metaphor, or in this case, the nickname, i've latched on to recently.

my current housemates call me a bibliophile. and it's not really something that i can argue with - it's more of something that i'm likely to embrace. since i've been living in this house, i've ordered about 5-7 books each week. so that's part of me. but i also know that this isn't likely to continue. i'm in the very middle of my graduate school experience - i'm trying to get so i know as much about as much as possible. i'm trying to finish writing my master's thesis, which requires getting a bunch of resources, books that i'd prefer to own than just getting them from the library (which might be stupid).

even more important, i'm trying to figure out what i should write my dissertation on (or at least what general area) - this means exploring what other people are doing, trying to figure out what's important, what's missing, and what's interesting to me. there are lots of environmental issues that i consider important. there are lots of things that are misssing. and there are lots of interesting topics and slants. so it starts to become a huge book-buying venture. the good thing is that i have hopes of creating a decent-sized personal library (and hopefully can work with my parents to design an interesting place, physical place for my books). so collecting books - sometimes it's expensive i guess, but is it a bad addiction? i hope not. i play poker, drink chai tea, write sometimes, play ultimate and soccer, play and listen to music, and like hiking. with the exception of soccer, i don't think i'm terribly addicted to any of those. but i guess i am addicted to buying, and reading books. and sharing them with other people. that's part of me. but i guess it doesn't describe enough of me. i'll have to come up with a few other metaphors that frame the way i live my life. it shouldn't be too difficult, but it should be interesting.

one idea i had yesterday in class is to start a website called ShouldIHuntOrNot.com (that would probably be it I guess). on it, i would describe my background (views on environmental ethics, animal ethics, food ethics, that sort of thing) along with a consideration i'm having about next year (whether i should hunt deer or not). describe what i think i know of the ecology and management of deer as populations, what i think i know about deer as individual entities, organisms that certainly can think and feel, can try to avoid pain and being eaten, that sort of thing. i can offer a few short perspectives on the topic - arguments for me hunting deer and for me not hunting deer. then i allow people to post their ideas, their arguments, their stories, their views on why i should or should not hunt deer. from there i just facilitate the discussion, working to organize and clarify their thoughts and reasons, asking for support of their arguments, that sort of thing.

here's how i would frame my own perspective:
i am a graduate student, interested in how people interact with, value, and treat non-human animals and the environment. this means i study the environmental humanities, but i also have a background in ecological science and agriculture. i have friends who are vegetarians and vegans, and i have friends whose favorite foods are all meat. i grew up in south dakota, raising animals and hunting, but also observing animals.

i have went hunting, and i've also taken a camera with me when my relatives go hunting (not to take pictures of them hunting really, but instead to use the camera as my excuse for looking for animals). i also enjoy waiting for animals to find me rather than me "hunting for" them. sometimes we just sort of stumble on each other, as is the case with most deer encounters, and the time when my brother and i crossed paths with three mountain lions. on that particular time, we just stopped and looked at each other, watched and waited, and then they ran off up the hill. it was really quite amazing - i've had a number of great experiences, but that's one that i appreciate a lot, most particularly because neither of us scared the other off, just watched and waited.

then i'd describe my current situation, where the number of deer in my home state has become disproportionately large (which is of course kind of silly thing to talk about because i'm sure that the number of people in the world has grown exceedingly large, which doesn't seem to convince us that we need to cull humans). but there are a lot of deer, and when there get to be too many, they can get chronic wasting disease, something that i don't think is all that nice for anyone involved - which kind of puts a different spin on letting them live their lives nicely). generally, i think that humans getting their food from wildly grazing and free deer is one of the most environmentally sound ways of getting food (less energy per calorie of food than domesticated livestock certainly, even free-range cattle, and eating deer that have foraged may even be more energy efficient than many plants that are grown in conventional agriculture - this sort of deals with the environmental concern of "eating lower on the food chain". so i consider it quite the dilemma. i'm not an absolutist in any sense of the word (i've eaten as a vegetarian and as a vegan before, but i'm mostly just a scavenger now, or a minimalist, both i guess). and i'm interested to see what arguments people would make about this topic, what stories people would tell, what values people would embody, what conversations i could enable. would this be a place for real discussion, for people with diverse perspectives to express their views? and would it work? i'm certainly someone more in favor of personal conversations about this sort of thing, but that is overlimiting in ways that the internet isn't. and i'm guessing that hunters, conservationists, animal rightsists, and others could benefit from being in conversation with each other, if only for a little while.

so why am i talking about this here. i'm talking about it because i'm curious whether this would be an interesting project to do, whether any other people would be interested in this sort of project, whether i should pursue it. any time someone has a crazy idea, i think it's important to get some simple feedback on whether the idea makes any sense at all, and then also to get some more specific feedback if it does make sense, that would relate back to practicalities - what to do, how to do it.

right now, since i just had the idea, i'm looking more for the first kind of feedback, telling me whether this is at all interesting or possible, and i'm less interested in getting practical feedback about how to do it - i'll save that for later. this is the kind of idea that i get tons of every day, and rarely pursue them. and i'm unsure whether i should start doing them or not. i have ideas for making clothing stuff, for houses, for schools and classes, for books and music videos, and for making energy storage systems (speaking of which, there is a really awesome new solar-powered charging gadget for mobile phones and ipods - i'm quite interested in this sort of thing). so i should probably start posting them here, and even if i don't do them, maybe someone else will. i need to relinquish the "i want to be famous" and the "i want to get rich" viewpoints and realize that only through sharing crazy ideas can i hope that a few of them might someday happen.

so that's where i'm at tonight - this song is amazing, and i'm pretty sure that i've not talked about it here before. my brother even made a shirt that said "i see a darkness" which i think is quite awesome. i personally like other songs by will oldham, but i think that this song is good enough that if he had no other songs, his life would be quite incredible based just on writing and singing this one song. i hope you find and listen to this song (you can listen to the johnny cash version also, but i like will oldham's version very much, and he's the original writer), and i hope that you love it, and i hope that you have a good night and a very wonderful december, as we've reached that time of year again.

i see a darkness by will oldham (bonnie prince billy)

well, you're my friend
and can you see
many times we've been out drinking
many times we've shared our thoughts
but did you ever, ever notice, the kind of thoughts i got
well you know i have a love, a love for everyone i know
and you know i have a drive, to live i won't let go
but can you see its opposition comes rising up sometimes
that its dreadful end position comes blacking in my mind

and then i see a darkness
and then i see a darkness
and then i see a darkness
and then i see a darkness
did you know how much i love you
there's a hope that somehow you
can save me from this darkness

well i hope that someday buddy
we have peace in our lives
together or apart
alone or with our wives
and we can stop our whoring
and pull the smiles inside
and light it up forever
and never go to sleep
my best unbeaten brother
this isn't all i see

i'll know i see a darkness
i'll know i see a darkness
i'll know i see a darkness
i'll know i see a darkness
did you know how much i love you
is there hope that somehow you
can save me from this darkness

hijack a snowplow

2005-11-30T12:37:00.000-06:00

i continue to be incredibly drained, but i figure that writing here is one way to pass the time, keeping me from doing the two things i really, really need to do - my thesis and modeling (yes, modeling). i can tell a story, share a few things, and go to sleep, then work on stuff tomorrow.

so i'm trying to decide whether the eternal wisdom i'll share tonight will involve my thoughts on religion or on sports. i think i might put off religion for another day, but sports should be interesting enough. i was eating and talking about sports with my grad student colleague, and more particularly about how one can approach learning new activities/games/sports, how to act regarding others in various situations, that sort of thing.

and i guess the thing i found most remarkable about my own view of sports involves how i coach. i made the comment to him that if someone (teammate or someone i'm coaching) ever screws up while in a game situation, i never tell them that - it's not the time or place for it. i will only tell someone what to do before something comes up, and afterwards, it isn't the time or place for it. if anything, i'll tell them to get whatever mistake they made out of their head, at least until after the game and hopefully before the next practice session. and they should only replay the mistake in their heads a few times, but should replay the situation in their minds many times, along with what they could have done better.

so i was wondering how that would translate into teaching other things. but that involves making a distinction between a game and practice (the kind of distinction i find valuable in getting better at sports). what is the practice and what is the competition when someone is learning how to think, research, read, and write? it gets a lot harder, but i don't think it's a bad distinction.

and i also decided in class today that i'm going to have them read some from daniel quinn's my ishmael, particularly about education, in order to contextualize what we've been doing in class this semester. i'm actually excited to see how they react to the readings. we'll see.

this was my playlist/cd for september. i have one for each of the last few months, and i'm most proud for this one - it certainly shows what i was listening to then, but i also think that the inclusions fit together rather well. it was a good enough cd that i could keep it in my car for multiple listens in a row. and i continued loving it - still do. i don't know why exactly i decided to start posting my track listings, but it seems like a good enough thing to do right now, especially for those of you whom i don't see enough.

Us by Regina Spektor
Absolut Camus by Rebels Victorious
Vito's Ordination Song by Sufjan Stevens
The Execution Of All Things by Rilo Kiley
As You Sleep by Something Corporate
Different Names For The Same Thing by Death Cab For Cutie
Bad by U2
New Hampshire by Matt Pond PA
I Will Follow You Into The Dark by Death Cab For Cutie
Samson by Regina Spektor
Our Composition by Rebels Victorious
Chicago by Sufjan Stevens
Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels) by The Arcade Fire
Autumn Sweater by Yo La Tengo
carolina by Ben Gibbard
Always by Rilo Kiley
Casimir Pulaski Day by Sufjan Stevens

well, i always like to write the lyrics of interesting songs that i'm liking and listening to. in this case, there isn't one website that had the lyrics to this song, which is somewhat surprising. some bloggers listed it in their christmas playlists a year ago, but no record of lyrics is available. i guess i'm fine with that, except that i don't know whether i got the lyrics right that i wrote down, and i'm missing some. so what i'd like from anyone who wants to listen to this song is an email telling me what you think the lyrics are - then maybe i'll repost/edit what i have so there can be at least one place that has the lyrics. and in the mean time, you'll enjoy listening to one of the best christmas songs ever.

**update** my brother and his friends helped me with a few of the lyrics, but we still don't quite have them in full. please email me (use unintruder@yahoo.com if you don't know another email for me). thanks guys.

come on! let's boogie to the elf dance by sufjan stevens

tie up your boots
jump off the ladder
pack up your clothes
nothing's the matter
mistletoe hangs up in the bedroom
your sister's bangs, she cut them herself

santa is here
sleigh bells are ringing
twenty one elves
they are all singing
kmart is closed
so is the bakery
everyone's home watching tv

santa claus is coming
hear the banjos strumming
santa claus is coming
hear the banjos strumming

chestnuts and fire
holly and hay
jesus and mary
what a great day
evergreen tree covered in snow
tower of babel tower of glow

there's a m_______????
and there's a ________????
they give us good gifts
like mittens and socks

hijack a snowplow
clear out the streets
tell all the neighbors
there's cookies to eat

get up off the floor and get in the shower
there's a lot to shout about
santa claus is coming to town
he's got the greatest gifts around

away in the manger
no crib for a bed
little lord jesus lay down his sweet head
the stars in the sky look down where he lay
the little lord jesus asleep on the hay
the cattle are lowing the baby awakes
little lord jesus, no crying he makes

or a woman if you are one

2005-11-29T00:57:00.000-06:00

i spent the weekend with my brother and family out in rapid city, and i had a great time talking with my brother and playing games with my niece (she's four - we played cards, memory, and hide and seek, along with watching a couple movies, reading books, and playing with dollies).

the highlight of today was eating blackberries - i couldn't believe how good they tasted (a long day of thinking about my thesis, and unfortunately not quite enough writing accomplished). and i made good french toast (with real maple syrup) and ate some chili that a housemate made. my chest has continued to hurt (has for almost a week now) - i'm guessing it is some sort of anxiety. i need to get my thesis done and written so i can get rid of some of the strain.

i had a lot of rememberances this weekend - my brother was working on writing his history, reflecting on his memories, which helped me reflect on my own. and it made me realize that assignments like that one are quite amazing for what they can create not only for the person doing them, but within the group of people the person converses, often a family, sometimes close friends i suppose.

one of my housemates has started dating a girl who works for a publishing company. i asked her what she recently published, and she said a book on the natural history of chickens. so i started asking her about chickens, a subject that i'm quite conversant in, and i think she was quite taken aback by my knowledge. i know about cochins and other breeds, and their uniquenesses. it made me wonder what sorts of things i know about that i never talk about, that no one would ever realize about me - that i raised chickens for a few years, that i was a church council member in high school, that i played in alternative/indie rock-type bands most of my life since seventh grade, that i read fantasy books and grew up admiring people in the society for creative anachronism because they were good at hitting each other with duct-tape covered baseball bats. a lot of people don't even know how many brothers i have, and sometimes they don't realize that i grew up in a town in south dakota, a place i still go back to as often as i can.

the highlight of yesterday was a conversation with my best friend, someone that inspires, comforts, and pushes me just by her very existence and intermittent conversations. it was great to talk with her, and i like chai tea.

this is the current list of songs i'm working with as my upcoming december playlist (basically an audio cd's worth for to go in my car). there is a good combination of styles (all within my subpop tastes), of old and new, of vocalists male and female, of fame and still working at it. a couple of the tracks are just called tracks because i haven't bothered typing in the song names.

Beautiful World by Colin Hay
Fake Palindromes by Andrew Bird
Asleep at the Wheel by The New Amsterdams
Come On! Let's Boogie to the Elf Dance by Sufjan Stevens
The Bagman's Gambit by The Decemberists
Emotional (Until Crickets Guide You Back) by Rilo Kiley
Apple Bed by Sparklehorse
Lua by Bright Eyes
Weird Divide by The Shins
Moon And Stars by Laura Jean Binkley
Track 04 by Red Veda
Pale Horse by John Vanderslice
Call Me On Your Way Back Home by Ryan Adams
You by Vast
Fever Dream by Iron and Wine
Track 02 by The Glad Version
Poison Oak by Bright Eyes
Michigan Christmas by Nate and Becca
Goodnight Elizabeth by Counting Crows
The Past and Pending by The Shins

the following song, my brother played for me this last weekend, and i think it's just plain amazing. there's no song i'd rather listen to than this one right now, and i'm sure you'll agree after hearing it.

beautiful world by colin hay

My my my it’s a beautiful world
I like swimming in the sea
I like to go out beyond the white breakers
Where a man can still be free (or a woman if you are one)
I like swimming in the sea.

My my my it’s a beautiful world
I like drinking Irish tea
With a little bit of lapsang souchong
I like making my own tea.

My my my it’s a beautiful world
I like driving in my car
Roll the top down sometimes I travel quite far
Drive to the ocean stare up at the stars
I like driving in my car

All around is anger automatic guns
It’s death in large numbers no respect for women or our little ones
I tried talking to Jesus but He just put me on hold
Said He’d been swamped by calls this week
And He couldn’t shake His cold

And still this emptiness persists
Perhaps this is as good as it gets
When you’ve given up the drink and those nasty cigarettes
Now I leave the party early at least with no regrets
I watch the sun as it comes up I watch it as it sets
Yeah this is as good as it gets.

My my my it’s a beautiful world
I like sleeping with Marie
She is one sexy girl full of mystery
She says she doesn’t love me but she likes my company
For now that’s good enough for me

blood in her eyes for you

2005-11-07T23:23:00.000-06:00

i am:
writing my thesis
making money walking dogs, teaching, playing poker, and modeling
especially kind to crippled cats
physically broken
enjoying the fast life
failing to write here very often

and i've been listening to this song a lot while i drive lately. perhaps too much.

fake palindromes by andrew bird

My dewy-eyed disney bride what has tried
swapping your blood with formaldehyde?
Monsters?

Whiskey-plied voices cried fratricide!
Jesus don’t you know that you coulda died
you shoulda died

with the monsters what talk
monsters what walk the earth

she’s got red lipstick
and a bright pair of shoes
she's got knee high socks
what to cover a bruise
she’s got an old death kit
she’s been meaning to use
she's got blood in her eyes in her eyes for you
she’s got blood in her eyes for you

certain fads, stripes and plaids singles ads
they run you hot and cold like a rheostat I mean a thermostat
so you bite on a towel
hope it won’t hurt too bad

she says I like long walks and sci-fi movies
you’re six foot tall and east coast bred
some lonely night we can get together
and I’m gonna tie your wrists with leather
and drill a tiny hole into your head

a western breeze

2005-10-23T23:57:00.000-05:00

since writing last time, i've given a presentation on my research (that i thought went pretty well), went to a concert that was as good as concerts can be, made $120 playing poker, did homework, and hung out with friends and roommates. it's been busy, but it's been good. i don't know what's wrong with me lately, but i feel like in the last couple months i've become somewhat uninteresting, like i don't have anything to tell the world, like i used to, like i want to. perhaps this is the problem with writers at some point in their lives no matter what. or perhaps i've gotten to the point that i can't remember what i've said and what i haven't, leaving me to wonder again whether i need to say it again. i'm guessing that's more true than the other because my normal view of saying interesting things is pretty open.

i've gotten to the point where i haven't just forgotten what i've said here on this blog, i've started to forget experiences to some extent. that's really the main reason for this writing space - to help me remember things. if nothing else, that's what much writing is good for. writing in a place like this is to bring something into collective memory.

i say this because i've now seen enough concerts that i can't remember all of them, when i went, what was important about them, that sort of thing - at least without special stimulus. i remember certain parts, but i don't remember much of the mogwai concert i went to, except that i loved their music when they weren't experimenting with distortion. i remember phish, except the main things i remember were how strange it was how many drugs were being use, how people all danced the same even though they all wanted to be different (they wanted to be different together), and how the bassist was so out of it that when they were jamming once and the guitarist wanted to get the bassist's attention to move on to the next section, the bassist didn't get the message for over 10 (extra) minutes. maybe these distillations are important somehow, but often they are so inconsequential (maybe irrelevant is a better word here) that i don't know why it is that's what i took away.

really, i think that experiences are one of the most important things that someone can be collecting as they are younger (and can keep collecting as they get older). as my mom told me, many young people can't be as good of writers as older people (in terms of being interesting and captivating) because they haven't had as many experiences to write about, things that people want to share. i'm not entirely sure this is a fair characterization, and if it is, it should certainly say what people should be doing when they are young, and what teachers of writing should be doing (help people have experiences rather than work on their writing style).

one of the memories of my younger days that i'm most remembering right now involves construction projects. now that my brother builds houses, i have a different perspective on why kids shouldn't mess around with work sites (in terms of what we did there), but i also think it was one of the closest things we had to wild experiences in our small town area (no big woods or mountains nearby to explore): we had work sites - we played tag there - we threw rocks, we climbed on rafters, and jumped from the exterior wall over the excavated "moat" to ground on the other side, we broke boards while imagining them to be something more spectacular (i'm pretty sure we never broke anything that was still large enough to be useful - hope that's true). but we had time away from the house, exploring a more wild place than our back yard, and without that, we only had these places and experiences while on my grandparents' farms. i think it might be important - who knows. i wonder now whether we would have found some place like this wherever we had grown up, a place to be somewhat wild.

i think my brother found a lot of profundity in this song a year ago. i have listened to it and liked it many times before, but only tonight did i ever get the feeling that this was the right song for this time. for right now. and then bright eyes - some of the older songs actually. i think it has something to do with my mourning for warmth. i like autumn very much, but i mourn when it gets cold. i don't know what i'm looking for, but i've found a lot of longing - sometimes.

untied by the one am radio

there's nothing to hold us down
we'll cut the strings
we'll kiss the ground goodbye
we'll catch up a western breeze
that eddies us up past the trees to sky

let the line slip free
the ballast is your memory
let it drop to the ground
we'll always be around

mother to her baby said
we're never lost
we're never dead
we fly

our thoughts get spun like silken threads
cast down below from our hands like sighs

let the line slip free
the ballast is your memory
let it drop to the ground
we'll always be around

i told you baby
once i said
we never die
we simply get untied

left without leaving

2005-10-19T23:35:00.000-05:00

i definitely felt like i made progress (was productive) today. i like days like that, even when i'm feeling somewhat sick (cold). and the best part is i still found time to throw a frisbee and read more of my ishmael (loving that book).

i've never really been car sick before (maybe a little queasy when riding with my dad on winding gravel roads). but i have been sick on a boat one time. most of the time i really love being on boats and moving with the shifting floor of the boat. once we are out fishing - my dad, oldest brother, uncle, and i - on lake thompson. it was one of those days that our fishing endeavor was quite successful, and we didn't feel like putting in to shore as the wind was picking up, making waves that started at about one foot (top to trough). they steadily grew as we were catching northern pike of decent sizes and having a decent time. then as the wind continued picking up, our 16 foot long boat started rocking and crashing on the three feet high waves, with some four feet high sweels.

we started to head toward shore then, but being a ten year old that generally liked fishing hadn't really prepared me for dealing with this experience (especially since one of the mainstays in my playlist of nightmares involves dying while boating). i remember laying down on the bottom of the boat and huddling up as we moved in to shore, not knowing what else to do, but not liking it out there. for a young person that loved the water and fishing, this didn't change those loves, but they are certainly one of the moments when i've become more closely attuned to the weather - the wind, the cold, the snow mostly.

i am of course excited because i get to see the decemberists this friday (after giving a presentation on my research). this will be the second time (first being last spring), and i feel much more confident, knowing their music (even willing to say they are one of my favorite groups). so i hope that it's a great concert with good music and lots of fun. i can't wait.

on the bus mall by the decemberists

In matching blue raincoats,
our shoes were our show boats
we kicked around.
From stairway to station
we made a sensation
with the gadabout crowd.
And oh, what a bargain,
we’re two easy targets
for the old men at the off-tracks,
who’ve paid in palaver
and crumpled old dollars,
which we squirreled away
in our rat trap hotel by the freeway.
And we slept in Sundays.

Your parents were anxious,
your cool was contagious
at the old school.
You left without leaving
a note for your grieving
sweet mother, while
your brother was so cruel.
And here in the alleys
your spirits were rallied
as you learned quick to make a fast buck.
In bathrooms and barrooms,
on dumpsters and heirlooms,
we bit our tongues.
Sucked our lips into our lungs
'til we were falling.
Such was our calling.

And here in our hollow we fuse like a family,
but I will not mourn for you.
So take up your makeup
and pocket your pills away.
We’re kings among runaways
on the bus mall.
We’re down
on the bus mall.

Among all the urchins and old Chinese merchants
of the old town,
we reigned at the pool hall
with one iron cue ball
and we never let the bastards get us down.
And we laughed off the quick tricks--
the old men with limp dicks--
on the colonnades of the waterfront park.
As four in the morning came on, cold and boring,
we huddled close
in the bus stop enclosure enfolding.
Our hands tightly holding.

But here in our hollow we fuse like a family,
but I will not mourn for you.
So take up your makeup
and pocket your pills away.
We’re kings among runaways
on the bus mall.
We’re down
on the bus mall.
We’re down
on the bus mall.
Down on the bus mall.

para-success of a heavy-handed metaphor

2005-10-17T22:25:00.000-05:00

much has happened in recent days - so much that i haven't written here very much. and i guess that's all right. but i often miss it also. i have developed a cold, bruised my body very much playing ultimate, enjoyed reading some books (of various types), and found myself in a very busy part of the semester. but it's times like these that i'm reminded how much i really do love life and the wonders of warm fall days outside, however it happens.

i miss road trips somehow. with friends scattered across the country, one might think i'd be taking more road trips than before, but that has unfortunately not been the case - i would take these long distance trips with a couple friends and relax and enjoy life. traveling home and back (on my most traveled road - highway 19) isn't the same, nor is going on trips for sporting events (to soccer tournaments or ultimate tournaments), even though they are great and good. one particular road trip, we went and stayed at my house, then at a friend's house in deadwood in south dakota, then down to castle rock in colorado to stay at the other friend's cousin's house. we had been having a good time one of the nights late in the trip - had just finished playing risk and eating totino's pizzas (bought for 75 cents each) - we were all tired from a long day and were thinking of going to sleep - i called home to get a weather report for the next few days - my parents told me there was a storm coming (we had arrived in colorado two days after the sky gave them 2 feet of snow - this one sounded similar. so at 11pm we left and drove through the night in order to not get snowed in. that sort of freedom and sense of something - i miss it right now. one among many feelings, but i miss it all the same.

below is perhaps one of the most insightful medium length quotes i've read in a while, from the book my ishmael by daniel quinn (reading this guy's writing is one of the main things that makes me want to be a writer - had the same feeling a few years ago when i first read ishmael).

Thinkers aren’t limited by what they know, because they can always increase what they know. Rather they’re limited by what puzzles them, because there’s no way to become curious about something that doesn’t puzzle you. If a thing falls outside the range of people’s curiosity, then they simply cannot make inquiries about it. It constitutes a blind spot—a spot of blindness that you can’t even know is there until someone draws your attention to it.

at any rate, this fed into my current thoughts on pedagogy (how to teach) and philosophy of education, particularly with regard to the idea that i decided was my current short statement of my teaching philosophy: develop literacy and imagination regarding texts, the environment, and ethics. maybe sometime soon i'll post what i mean by that, but i'm still working it out in my head and writing it up. the quote above is also relevant to what a then-retiring professor of 40+ years told me just minutes before my first class period as an intructor. he said, "you have to make them curious, and then satisfy their curiosity because if you don't do that, you're just fucking up." thanks bill, i think you're totally right.

i don't know what the word sovay means - here or elsewhere - the computer doesn't know either so i don't feel so bad. but the word is well used in this song, and i love the music very much. the lyrics go interesting places and somehow fit the music, which i think is perhaps the biggest strength of bird's music - he just seems to understand how things connect together.

sovay by andrew bird

I was getting ready to be a threat
I was getting set for my
accidental suicide
the kind where no one dies
no one looks too surprised
then you realize
that you're riding on a para-success
of a heavy-handed metaphor
and a feeling like you've been here before
because you've been here before
and you've been here before
then a word washed ashore
a word washed ashore
then a word washed ashore

sovay, sovay, sovay
all along the day

I was getting ready to consider my next plan of attack
I think I'm gonna sack
the whole board of trustees
all those Don Quixotes on their B-17s
and I swear this time
yeah this time
they'll blow us back to the 70's
and this time
they're playin Ride of the Valkyries
with no semblance of grace or ease
and they're acting on vagaries
with their violent proclivities
and they're playing ride
Ride of the Valkyries
sovay, sovay, sovay
all along the day

fall leaves

2005-10-04T17:48:00.000-05:00

it's a long day. tuesdays are like that for me this semester - i've had my share of long days lately - i probably need a rest. but life seems good at the same time. sometimes it feels a little full, but in an empty sort of way - full of stuff, not meaning. busy but not with the right stuff all the time. this last weekend i played ultimate frisbee in a tournament - learned a lot - had a lot of fun - was able to go on a couple walks through the woods, where i picked up some of the most amazingly colored leaves - maple leaves that still had some green, but also had red and yellow - some that had dried into a golden brown. it was similar to the description at the start of wendell berry's poem grace:

The woods is shining this morning.
Red, gold and green, the leaves
lie on the ground, or fall,
or hang full of light in the air still.

fall can be like that - it is amazing, for the short moments when we feel like we really are experiencing autumn-ness - the cool sweatshirt weather - this weekend was quite hot and windy, and it'll be winter soon enough (perhaps jumping back and forth between the two), but it is exciting, and those days when fall crispness is in the air, i cherish them in much the same way i cherish the days of spring melt.

i'm enjoying teaching and my classes - i learn from both. i'm excited about finishing my thesis again - i just need to do it.

actually, i know what's missing from my life. but i don't feel empowered to do anything about it. i'd like to have more time around my family, friends, and places i know best - i'd like to see my grandparents, my niece, my scattered friends. i'd like to go for walks in the woods and valleys i know best. i know that i would be rejuvenated by spending time in those places, by myself and with my close ones. but then i realize that the whole idea of becoming drained and then rejuvenated with some sort of vacation seems foolish in the grand scheme of things. why can't normal life be rejuvenating, ever-replenishing of energy and life?

a colleague of mine is turning 30 sometime soon and was saying she'd been told that people should have made their mistakes in their 20s and shouldn't make many mistakes after that, that people should be grown up by then. i told her the following:

the only reason people grow old is because they grow up.

i kind of think this is true - i try not to grow up or get old - the things that make one need to do that sort of thing are the kind of roles one must play - as a citizen, as a parent, as an employee - but as a person, i think that making mistakes and trying new things (those go hand in hand, don't they?) - these two seem not something that should be done by age 30. i've been trying to figure out what new things i'm picking up and learning in this part of my life - i've started to become comfortable in my life of academic work (though i'm constantly challenging myself in new areas). i'm trying to learn how to play a new competitive sport. and i'm trying to become a better writer. not bad - are these mistakes? doubtful, but i'll certainly make any number of mistakes in them. and i'll make mistakes in the little practical parts of life, but only if i put myself in new situations.

i don't fear growing old. i don't fear growing up. not in the common sense at least. but i do fear losing excitement and exploration, adventure and novelty in my life. i don't want to grow up in that way.

and i fear the growing old of my body. one of the problems with putting too much stock into athletics is that one loses big chunks as one grows older. my body isn't as able to stay healthy as it was when i was younger (and i'm not that old yet - not at all) - my body aches more than it should after last weekend. but i'm not giving up - i'm convinced that if i give myself time to get in shape, that i'll be able to handle weekend tournaments and weekday practices - like i used to do.

this song is again by one of my best friends for the majority of my life - we met when he moved to town in third grade - he used to draw my drum sets during class - or design security systems lighting systems. he's quite an amazing musician (especially on drums and in the recording studio), and he's an awesome guy also - we've had any number of good memories, and he's fixed my computers and given me new music to listen to countless times. i thought this song was fitting for this time of year.

fall leaves by tor johnson

floating away then back again
the feeling reigns when i see you again
life comes too fast when
things don't last

day is the pain i will regain
i've come undone in what i've done wrong
retracing what has been undone

random pieces in the air
but they won't care
when i go home

the things i love
they come back to haunt
i do the things that make it feel again
i don't want to lose your memories
but these days are flying by like weeks
please try to work this out with me

i can't help but think of you again
i'm gonna try to make it right
not gonna stray away from fright
i'll be with you
i'll be with you
i wanted to
to be with you

not for all north carolina

2005-09-28T23:49:00.000-05:00

i was trying to decide yesterday if i am a principled person. additionally, how much overlap is there between a principled and an ethical person? i'll explain using eating principles. i like to eat most kinds of food (no liver, green olives, or canned peas), and more particularly i like to eat food that is grown/prepared/etc in ways that i support (sustainable, caringly). this means i have some problems with some industrial agricultural practices, particularly feedlots and places where animals are mistreated, but also some environmentally unsound practices (that contribute to erosion, pollute ground and surface water, require transportation over long distances, etc).

so i have some general, yet concrete principles for how i eat. if i am going to have a discussion with someone else about eating habits, i definitely prefer endorsing a view that one should (a) like/enjoy fruits, vegetables, and grains; (b) try to see what it's like to not eat milk for a while; (c) if one eats meat, try to know that it came from a place where animals are treated well.

but when it comes to my own eating habits, i eat meat very little as a general rule - when i make food, i rarely include meat in it - and i really like boca chik'n. but if i am at home where my parents make meat for me all the time, i eat it. same with eating at my grandparents or visiting an acquaintance that eats meat. so does that mean i'm not principled - i'm certainly flexible with my guidelines for life - one of my meta-principles is flexibility in all that i do. but is that the antithesis of "principled"? can i claim to be principled at all? should i make some choices and stick to them, even if it's hard?

do i do that already, but just not with diet issues? maybe. but what if i don't? does that make me an unprincipled person? and both vegetarians/meat-eaters, both progressives/conservatives respect someone who has strong principles (hopefully well thought out). does a flexibly principled person deserve respect? that's the question of this post.

this song is just one more example of the brilliance of stephin merritt's lyric writing. i decided a few weeks ago (and my brother agreed with me) that colin meloy is one of the best story tellers in prose lyrics, and merritt is one of the best poet lyricists. i recommend reading his lyrics as he sings, but if not, you'll catch most of them, and you'll be amazed.

All my little words by the Magnetic Fields

You are a splendid butterfly
It is your wings that make you beautiful
and I could make you fly away
but I could never make you stay

You said you were in love with me
Both of us know that that's impossible
and I could make you rue the day
but I could never make you stay

Not for all the tea in China
not if I could sing like a bird
not for all North Carolina
not for all my little words
not if I could write for you
the sweetest song you ever heard
It doesn't matter what I do
not for all my little words

Now that you've made me want to die
you tell me that you're unboyfriendable
and I could make you pay and pay
but I could never make you stay

Not for all the tea in China
not if I could sing like a bird
not for all North Carolina
not for all my little words
not if I could write for you
the sweetest song you ever heard
It doesn't matter what I do
not for all my little words

all blue

2005-09-27T00:05:00.000-05:00

some of my fondest memories of my youth involved going to my grandparents' farms. there were many interesting things to do there - build forts, hike, climb trees, explore buildings (climbing on top of them also). although just the memory almost makes me sneeze with the dust, i cherish the memories of jumping between hay bales - the joy of jumping between bales, testing my jumping abilities (or climbing back up when i missed), playing tag with my cousins, getting chased and thrown off the bales by my older brother(s). trying to be as good at jumping, running, balancing, and climbing bales.

that was what my farm days involved. my uncles probably did all these sorts of things before they had to start working on the farm - the nice thing about my experience is that i have few memories of work associated with the farms - it is all fun and the joys of growing up as farm kids - swimming in stock dams, exploring abandoned houses and tree rows, finding interesting objects in junk piles (usually forgotten parts from broken down machinery), canoeing to retired cars that act as islands in flooded ditches, tying ropes between walls in hay barns on which to climb and swing, taming wild kittens and trying to ensure that the mother doesn't hide them better next time. i can't imagine what i would have done to find these experiences had i spent my whole life in town. there was more freedom to make mistakes (without too dangerous of consequences). there was more room to figure things out and enjoy life with less structure than playing in a park or organized baseball league where the clock starts and stops practice. i find value in those experiences.

i spent many years playing music with the writer/performer of this song - he was one of my best friends for most of high school and college. we haven't talked much in the last couple years, but he's continued playing music by himself (taught himself how to play piano for one thing), and he's written some very good songs - just look for him on the internet if you want to download his songs, and i recommend them very highly. his voice is great, his lyrics are equally impressive, and his mastery of a variety of musical instruments has increased recently. besides his great uncle was the famous lawrence welk. i often joked (though i was quite serious) with him that i wanted to call our band "travis welk and the orchestra" as an obvious reference to his relative. the people that i played music with during my high school and college years have continued playing, and have done quite well for themselves (in terms of making good music) - maybe i'll post something from tor's band the glad version. or you can explore their music yourself.

eusia by travis welk

oh eusia where are you going
where have you been

i bet you've done some living
i bet you'll fit in somewhere

and dirty drinks and dusty roads
can't drown the voice of you
livin as we call it
dyin as we do

eusia, just close your eyes and think of me
you will see the skies above me
all blue
all that's missin is you

and dusty aurora
look down as we fly
show me the directions so we can make it right

and dirty drinks and dusty roads can't drown the voice of you
livin as we call it
dyin as we do

eusia just close your eyes and think of me
you will see the skies above me
all blue
all that's missin is you

it's not fair
nothin is
and i don't care about it any more

oh eusia where are you goin
where have you been