the only things that save you

i'm back in in the twin cities after spending around three weeks at home. not much has changed really, but life does of course continue on without me, and i think i'm glad for that. it's good to know that you're missed, but that you're not really essential to the workings of anyone's universe. the world is much bigger than me, and it doesn't need me too desperately. i like that.

i had a lot of amazing times over break, but i'll mention just one right now. here's the story/memory i find most strangely humorous. my mother's brother and his family were visiting us for a family christmas eve dinner, and it was good to see my cousins. the best part of the night came when my uncle (who is hilarious) asked the table what we thought some jello looked like. my mom had made red jello with some fruit in it, in a molded bowl and them taken it out of the bowl and put it on a platter (or plate perhaps). so we all pondered a second or two, and as i was about to come up with something i thought the jello looked like, my cousin (also hilarious) said that the jello looked like a gut pile (like from an animal). i admit being taken aback - that of course hadn't occurred to me. my uncle said he thought it looking like that mountain out in wyoming - it finally came out that he was talking about devil's tower, and maybe the jello looked a little bit like that, but thinking about the jello looking like a gut pile still makes me laugh.

in addition to playing soccer, seeing long lost friends, spending time with my family, drawing pictures, framing photographs, listening to music, writing stories, learning about norway and sweden, and reading a bunch, i also found some time to work on my thesis - and i'm getting pretty close to done. i'm not going to make the deadline i wanted to make, but that's probably good in a way because i'll be able to take more time to revise some. at any rate, i'm really glad that i have good friends, colleagues, and advisors that can support me in working on the thesis. that's helped a lot.

this is a poem by someone my younger brother introduced me to (and from a book he got me for christmas) - i really like it, very much, and for a number of reasons. one of them relates to place - the part of minnesota about which he's writing is the part that i drive through every time i go between school and home - which i've done tons of times in the last seven years. at any rate, that part of the country can be somewhat desolate, in a lonely and quiet sort of way. but it's also beautiful, and right now, the snow makes everything white as far as you can see. as i drove back here yesterday, all the trees were still covered beautifully in snow, and as i looked forward, the sky and snow-covered ground blended into one in the unfocused parts of my vision - it wasn't white-out conditions (though i've made the trip in every severe weather situation possible), but it was pure white all around me. quite stunning.

whiteness by stephen dunn

On the way to Cottonwood, Minnesota,
along Route 23,
a white horse used to graze--
apparitional, always startling--
like birches suddenly among evergreens.
Eight years have passed
and it's become something clean
and unharnessed for the mind to hold
amid the rush of atrocities;
I see it lifting
its head, cantering toward a barn
where no other animal lived.
There are friends I could ask
but I don't want to know if the horse
is still there or how the winters might have changed it.
Here there are billboards
on the marshland where egrets
once lived, and that's enough of progress,
enough of the way of things.
Years ago, before experience,
I watched a lovely woman
walk toward me naked,
carrying her shyness like a gift,
and that woman and that horse
are among the photographs untaken
that I plan to die with,
vivid in their whiteness,
pumping blood to and from the heart
even after, maybe for a second or two,
my eyes close and there's nothing.



this song is good, and it's been in my head a lot lately - along with a few other songs i'll probalby mention soon. i think that those of you who've never listened to them should get this song, and play it, and move in your head with it.

rebellion lies by arcade fire

Sleeping is giving in,
no matter what the time is.
Sleeping is giving in,
so lift those heavy eyelids.

People say that you'll die
faster than without water.
But for all we know it's just a lie,
scare your son, scare your daughter.

People say that your dreams
are the only things that save you.
Come on baby in our dreams,
we can live our misbehavior.

Every time you close your eyes
Lies, lies!
Every time you close your eyes
Lies, lies!
Every time you close your eyes
Lies, lies!
Every time you close your eyes
Lies, lies!
Every time you close your eyes
Every time you close your eyes
Every time you close your eyes
Every time you close your eyes

People try and hide the night
underneath the covers.
People try and hide the light
underneath the covers.

Come on hide your lovers
underneath the covers,
come on hide your lovers
underneath the covers.

Hidin' from your brothers
underneath the covers,
come on hide your lovers
underneath the covers.

People say that you'll die
faster than without water,
but we know it's just a lie,
scare your son, scare your daughter,
Scare your son, scare your daughter.
Scare your son, scare your daughter.

Now here's the sun, it's alright!
Lies, lies!
Now here's the moon, it's alright!
Lies, lies!
Now here's the sun, it's alright!
Lies, lies!
Now here's the moon it's alright
Lies, lies!

Every time you close your eyes
Lies, lies!
Every time you close your eyes
Lies, lies!
Every time you close your eyes
Lies, lies!
Every time you close your eyes
Lies, lies!

Every time you close your eyes
Every time you close your eyes
Lies, lies!