fall leaves

it's a long day. tuesdays are like that for me this semester - i've had my share of long days lately - i probably need a rest. but life seems good at the same time. sometimes it feels a little full, but in an empty sort of way - full of stuff, not meaning. busy but not with the right stuff all the time. this last weekend i played ultimate frisbee in a tournament - learned a lot - had a lot of fun - was able to go on a couple walks through the woods, where i picked up some of the most amazingly colored leaves - maple leaves that still had some green, but also had red and yellow - some that had dried into a golden brown. it was similar to the description at the start of wendell berry's poem grace:

The woods is shining this morning.
Red, gold and green, the leaves
lie on the ground, or fall,
or hang full of light in the air still.

fall can be like that - it is amazing, for the short moments when we feel like we really are experiencing autumn-ness - the cool sweatshirt weather - this weekend was quite hot and windy, and it'll be winter soon enough (perhaps jumping back and forth between the two), but it is exciting, and those days when fall crispness is in the air, i cherish them in much the same way i cherish the days of spring melt.

i'm enjoying teaching and my classes - i learn from both. i'm excited about finishing my thesis again - i just need to do it.

actually, i know what's missing from my life. but i don't feel empowered to do anything about it. i'd like to have more time around my family, friends, and places i know best - i'd like to see my grandparents, my niece, my scattered friends. i'd like to go for walks in the woods and valleys i know best. i know that i would be rejuvenated by spending time in those places, by myself and with my close ones. but then i realize that the whole idea of becoming drained and then rejuvenated with some sort of vacation seems foolish in the grand scheme of things. why can't normal life be rejuvenating, ever-replenishing of energy and life?

a colleague of mine is turning 30 sometime soon and was saying she'd been told that people should have made their mistakes in their 20s and shouldn't make many mistakes after that, that people should be grown up by then. i told her the following:

the only reason people grow old is because they grow up.

i kind of think this is true - i try not to grow up or get old - the things that make one need to do that sort of thing are the kind of roles one must play - as a citizen, as a parent, as an employee - but as a person, i think that making mistakes and trying new things (those go hand in hand, don't they?) - these two seem not something that should be done by age 30. i've been trying to figure out what new things i'm picking up and learning in this part of my life - i've started to become comfortable in my life of academic work (though i'm constantly challenging myself in new areas). i'm trying to learn how to play a new competitive sport. and i'm trying to become a better writer. not bad - are these mistakes? doubtful, but i'll certainly make any number of mistakes in them. and i'll make mistakes in the little practical parts of life, but only if i put myself in new situations.

i don't fear growing old. i don't fear growing up. not in the common sense at least. but i do fear losing excitement and exploration, adventure and novelty in my life. i don't want to grow up in that way.

and i fear the growing old of my body. one of the problems with putting too much stock into athletics is that one loses big chunks as one grows older. my body isn't as able to stay healthy as it was when i was younger (and i'm not that old yet - not at all) - my body aches more than it should after last weekend. but i'm not giving up - i'm convinced that if i give myself time to get in shape, that i'll be able to handle weekend tournaments and weekday practices - like i used to do.

this song is again by one of my best friends for the majority of my life - we met when he moved to town in third grade - he used to draw my drum sets during class - or design security systems lighting systems. he's quite an amazing musician (especially on drums and in the recording studio), and he's an awesome guy also - we've had any number of good memories, and he's fixed my computers and given me new music to listen to countless times. i thought this song was fitting for this time of year.

fall leaves by tor johnson

floating away then back again
the feeling reigns when i see you again
life comes too fast when
things don't last

day is the pain i will regain
i've come undone in what i've done wrong
retracing what has been undone

random pieces in the air
but they won't care
when i go home

the things i love
they come back to haunt
i do the things that make it feel again
i don't want to lose your memories
but these days are flying by like weeks
please try to work this out with me

i can't help but think of you again
i'm gonna try to make it right
not gonna stray away from fright
i'll be with you
i'll be with you
i wanted to
to be with you