just this afternoon

it's amazing to me what can make me feel uneasy, not in the worst of ways, but in a bad enough way. let me explain. no, there is too much. let me summarize.

the last few days have been good enough, but i've had worries over money, school (particularly a paper i'm writing and decisions being made by my department), friends, and the cold weather. it's may 1, usually my favorite month, but it doesn't feel all that happy today.

i was lucky enough to spend time around some friends and my brother this weekend, lucky enough to watch a baseball game and an ultimate frisbee match. i have been lucky enough to talk with a best friend some.

but the team i was hoping to win the baseball game didn't win. the team i was hoping to win the ultimate match didn't win. my friend on that team was sad. i saw twenty or so girls crying afterwards and hugging each other.

there are few things that pain me more than someone i care about being sad - she wasn't crying, but her friends were, and she probably felt like it. i hadn't seen her in nearly a year. i wanted to see her happy. and i didn't know what to do - i certainly didn't belong there - i had no place there, but i didn't want to leave without saying hi. so i said hi, this probably isn't a good time - i'll talk to you later.

it's days like this that make me question myself, any optimism i have, make me feel worn. i could blame it on the stress of the end of a semester. i could say that the cold makes me sad. but that's not it at all. i really don't like it when life is hard on those i care about. i don't want to protect them from hard days (though this crosses my mind). i don't want to make them feel better when things are hard by making them ignore the bad (though i usually do want to do this). what i want to say is that i just want them to feel good whenever possible. i want to help them feel good. i'm not sure really what i want.

but these feelings go through me - sometimes when i think about my older brother, often enough with my closest friends, right now with my uncle and cousins.

definitely recognize that my overall views and moods these last few days haven't been all that unhappy - just this afternoon. just this afternoon.

avalon by sigur ros

there aren't any lyrics - and unlike other sigur ros songs, there's no singing in icelandic/hopelandic either. but listen to the song. somehow or other it's hopeful.