working for a paycheck

Today was really good. Sometimes talking with someone can make me feel beyond words. Good. I won't say any more; I'll just feel good.

I was having a nice conversation with a friend a couple weeks ago. At one point we were talking about our futures, next steps in our lives. She said something then about how relationships with other people are one of the most important determining factors in figuring out how to live. She was totally right. It's something that I try really hard to temper because it can be taken too far.

Virtue often exists as the middle between two extreme vices. This is understood by philosophers and non-philosophers alike. Here's the problem. Assume for a second that the model we're working with is grey scale. Things are more black or white - things are different tints/shades of grey. Black and white might be the vices here. So we want grey, right? Well, there is a lot of range in the greys so just because something is grey isn't that helpful. Trying to figure out how to temper something, how to find a happy (virtuous) medium - that's the trouble.

Christian theologian Reinhold Niebuhr discusses the existential, religious anxiety caused by the conflict between finitude (realizing that one isn't all-powerful, that one is constrained and imperfect) and self-transcendence (one's ability to step outside of one's self and evaluate one's life, and deliberately influence one's life). This anxiety isn't just inherent in these deepest, personally reflective moments of religious purpose. I think once I started living reflectively (like five or six minutes ago), this became a constant pressure (and hopefully I can cure it in the next few minutes). I don't worry about what things are white or black - I'm sure some people do. I question whether black or white is better than grey in some particular case, or which grey is the right medium. Then I realize the inadequacy of the single white-grey-black scale. But none of those really helps.

So my friend says or my brother says, "stop thinking about it - start doing something. Act. Be active. Then just deal with whatever as it comes." Yes, I say - that's what I need to do. In actuality, I probably do this much more than one might guess. I live. I experience. I don't sit around writing about stuff without ever doing anything. I'm not a chronic wallflower - I can enjoy the book and the perks without being a wallflower all the time. But I still don't feel like anyone has given me an adequate way of living that allows for some reflection along with experience except this one that I use in my life - most emphasize either experience or reflection at the expense of the other. I try to think about things and worry about them for a while. Then I try to stop and just make a decision and go with it, enjoy it. And since I'm almost always worried about the future, I rarely worry about the past enough to question my decisions. And yes, I enjoy and exist fully in the present, too, thank you very much.

What does this mean? Practical. Applied. Specific. Relevant. I am spending a lot of time thinking about my future - where I'll be the next few years - what I'll be doing - where I won't be - what I won't be doing - who I'll be around - who won't be around - who will be close - who will be distant - why it matters. I need to figure out what I have to do to be able to go anywhere and be happy. I have some ideas.

So if you want to make your heart flutter or maybe pause to catch a breath, listen to this song and read the words - if you have a hard time listening to words the first few times you hear songs (like I do), read the words as you listen - some of you may be able to listen to the words without reading the lyrics - that's fine. It is almost overwhelming, but it's not because it's depressing (like It's a Motherfucker by the Eels for example). It's overwhelming because it's incredible. My brother's words describe the experience of this song perfectly: "First day of my life knocks me down every time I hear it" - I couldn't have said it better. Instead, I'll say just this: There are a lot of good songs out there. This is one of them.


First Day of my Life by Bright Eyes

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
Their spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you had just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Then waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me