lack of color

i haven't written on here in ten days or so - not for lack of desire really - i have felt quite busy, busy with traveling to south dakota, watching soccer, busy with school work, teaching and writing papers and trying to stay up to date - i have remained up to date on things. it hasn't been easy.

yet through it all, i find a lot to hope for - i find a lot to enjoy. i love music, and there is enough music right now that i enjoy listening to - it keeps me going when academics are dragging. don't get me wrong - i love what i'm doing with academics, but i know full well that the pace i'm asking of myself isn't sustainable.

what has been on my mind lately has been the difference between feelings and meanings - i can feel something and not know what it means - for instance, i can really enjoy being around certain people, but i don't know what that means. i guess i don't know where i'm going with this, but i feel like i have a lot of trouble figuring out what i like or want - mostly because i like and want lots of things, and i can't have/do/experience most of them - for whatever reason.

going through all the reflection and consideration and exploration of different options no matter what i'm doing in life i guess is part of my style (though i try to be spontaneous and rash and exciting whenever i remember) - and it usually works - i usually choose situations that are good for me - fun and exciting and enlightening. but i realize (now certainly, but i've thought it at least a few times before) that i wouldn't have to put as much thought into things - i could let things happen and make them good through having a special orientation (optimistic attitude i should say). or could i - if i did, would it be me? would i so disconnect myself from my past and current self that i might lose something important - this is the kind of question i think people ask often - people who have some habit, personality trait, or relationship that becomes an integral part of their personality. they wonder whether changing that part of themselves might make them not themselves any more - and they think that would either mean losing something important or losing something they like.

one of the easiest examples i can think of are those people who take anti-depressant medicine (drugs) - people with bipolar disorder especially. there is a lot of excitement and real experience inherent in mood swings. there is a lot of creativity and imaginative power inherent in excitement and real experience. and these are good things. to just take drugs to change the chemical balances in one's bodies without adding some other way of getting a lot of experience and creative experience is like having a weight problem and changing one's diet without exercising. it all comes to the maxim i've decided on: choose your addictions wisely.

i think this is important so i'll say it again

choose your addictions wisely

i used to think that i didn't like addictions, that i didn't like habit, that i didn't like my life to have pattern. i don't like the regimentation that people often enjoy - i tried to minimize the predictiveness of my life - people wouldn't know what time i would wake up, what time i would be doing anything, based on some schedule - daily or weekly or otherwise.

i didn't drink alcohol, smoke cigarrettes, use drugs (including painkillers when i was hurting or antidepressants when i was going through weird times in my life - this could also be because i couldn't swallow pills until sometime after i graduated from high school), chew gum (silly isn't it?), drink carbonated beverages, or drink coffee - i avoided all of these because it seemed like there was something wrong with chemical addictions. i tried not to get addicted to watching tv or playing video games or computer games. i'm glad for all these - i think it also demonstrated the respect and care i had for my body and mind. i don't regret this at all.

then i started thinking about what i was addicted to - listening to music, playing music, playing soccer, swimming, taking showers, reading books, talking to friends - i still think these were good things for me to do. but it wasn't as though i wasn't addicted to things. i became addicted to activities. and i stand by those addictions. some of them have been hard to let go - i feel pangs any time i see someone playing the piano because i haven't played it as much as before - i've become a soccer coach and spectator, and it hurts sometimes not being able to play, to compete. i get to do this sometimes, but there isn't enough time for me to play soccer as much as i want. i take fewer showers than i used to - by quite a bit - i decided that i would be a better caretaker of the environment and my own body if i took fewer showers - though i still love being in the water (whether it is taking a shower or swimming in a pool or lake or creek) - i'm truly addicted to water, and i think that's good. i still like talking to friends - and i don't like to do it always around alcohol or tobacco - so many of my friends, peers, colleagues find that important - i don't mind alcohol, but i certainly don't love it, and i don't need it to enjoy my life. a powerful quote (paraphrased) that i attribute to billy corgan (singer for the former smashing pumpkins) is "i don't write music for people to use drugs to - i write music for people to live their lives to" - when i listen to music, it's always my goal to put that criterion to the test - same thing for live concerts.

it's strange how i got to this point in this comment. choosing addictions from whether or not part of someone's life is importantly changed through different activities, from reflecting about how i reflect, from reflecting on the difference between feeling and meaning. i'm sorry - it's incoherence at its best.

to return to an earlier tangent, i think that the point of my thoughts are just this: there's nothing wrong with reflecting important parts of one's life. and there's nothing wrong with changing one's life - it could mean that one loses something important in their life, but the important thing is to find something else important so that there is meaning in one's life. there's a lot of things that can give meaning to life. make sure you have at least one thing that gives your life meaning. make sure you have more than one of them so if one goes away, you'll have others (this is the about a boy principle - it was phrased in terms of important people in one's life, but it works just as good for meaning). most of all, choose your addictions wisely. make sure that if you feel like you lose something that gave you meaningful experience (like mood swings or drugs or a special person), that you find something else that will give you meaningful experiences (like dreaming, exercise, good conversation, meeting people).

will this mean having a good life? i don't know for sure - it might help - it might also make one forget to focus on true enlightenment, but i think it will be good.

there is a lot more i could say, but if you've made it this far, you've made it far enough to read the lyrics to a song, hopefully you'll listen to the song and reflect on it - hopefully it will be a new or interesting experience when you do - if you know the song, maybe it will be a powerfully comforting experience that comes from spending time with something artistic. i hope it is something. i hope good things come to you.

this is another song by death cab for cutie - i'm seeing them tomorrow evening - it will be my third amazing concert in less than three weeks - life can be quite nice sometimes.

And when I see you
I really see you upside down
But my brain knows better
It picks you up and turns you around
Turns you around
Turns you around

If you feel discouraged
When there's a lack of color here
Please don't worry lover
It's really bursting at the seams
Absorbing everything
The spectrum's A to Z

This is fact not fiction
For the first time in years
All the girls in every girlie magazine
Can't make me feel any less alone

I'm reaching for the phone
To call at 7:03
And on your machine
I slur a plea for you to come home
But I know it's too late
I should have given you a reason to stay
Given you a reason to stay
Given you a reason to stay
Given you a reason to stay

This is fact not fiction
For the first time in years