i could stay here

thunder

i sigh. i grin (foolishly i assume). i anticipate the next strike.

thunder

there's something to thunder, something so amazing about it when you're sitting at home, especially the first thunderstorm of spring, as it transitions from snowstorm potential to thunderstorm potential. there's something really awesome and powerful in that. put simply, i love thunderstorms - they are something that makes me love this part of the country - a reason i like it here in minnesota, south dakota, and this area.

i haven't written here for a number of reasons - being busy, having very little access to the internet for the last week or so - that sort of thing. but i haven't given this up by any means. in fact, i think i have much to talk about - and i don't have to worry about being overly talkative because i'm taking no one's time except my own - all the rest of you can choose whether or not to read this - i think that's nice - it makes me feel more flexible, like i can do what i want, even if it means taking a week break or writing long thoughts on stuff.

aside from graduate school decisions (which remain quite confusing - terribly so right now), i'm doing well - i've started exercising again, and i can ride my bike to work without freezing. one thing i did this evening was look back at a few of my old email messages from my senior year of high school - i still have my bashere@hotmail.com account and some of the messages from that part of my life. it was really powerful for me to read back over them now, six years later - there's a lot of my personality that's remained pretty constant over that time. i still care a lot about people and try to be really open about that sort of thing (i do this at least as much as i did then) - i still lack a lot of confidence and worry about the reception that my honest thoughts bring (probably less so than six years ago - i've gained some confidence). my worldview has changed some - by that i mean that i think i have seen more of the world and see a little more complexity than before, especially in the real life things that seem most important. i still value relationships a lot. i still have close relationships with close friends.

the other thing it has me thinking about and wanting to do is talk to those people who were so important to me in high school - some of which i've stayed in decent contact with, others much less so - i want to pick up where we left off (or drifted off, or whatever). i really like and appreciate my friends, the recent ones i've made - any in between - i generally feel like i meet and have good relationships with amazing people.

but i'm not exactly sure what to do - i don't know how to get a hold of those people from high school - i don't know how to talk to them. i don't know how to meet up with them. i don't know so much - some of them i've been in the same vicinity for quite a while, but don't do anything about it, even though i want to. i don't have enough time, but that's not a great excuse. i don't know how to get a hold of them, but i could figure that out without too much trouble i'm sure. i feel like it might be somewhat different from before - maybe we wouldn't be able to pick up right where we left off - maybe we've changed a ton and went different directions. each of those concerns plays some part in keeping me from contacting them. at any rate, i guess i just don't know what that all means. and i worry about what that means for some of the friends i'm close with right now. how will it be the same? how will it be different?

i've listened to this song many times in the last two weeks - it might sound melancholy i guess. except for a few moments these last two weeks, i've actually been feeling pretty good. so i think it must be the simple, powerful combination of sounds (piano/vocals) and lyrics (inspiring and unclear, though strangely clairvoyant). at any rate, i find the song relaxing and soothing, somehow descriptive of my current views of the world.

colors and the kids by cat power

It must be the colors
And the kids
That keep me alive
'Cause the music is boring me to death

It must just be the colors
And the kids that keep me alive
'Cause I'd wanna go right away
To a January night
I built a shack with an old friend
He was someone I could learn from
Someone I could become

Will you meet me down
On a sandy beach
We can roll up our jeans
So the tide won't get us below the knees

Yellow hair
You are a funny bear
Yellow hair
You are such a funny bear
Slender fingers
Would hold me slender limbs would hold me
And you could say my name
Like you knew my name

I could stay here
Become someone different
I could stay here
Become someone better

It's so hard to go in the city
'Cause you wanna say hello to everybody
It's so hard to go into the city
'Cause you wanna say hey I love you to everybody
When we were teenagers we wanted to be the sky
Now all we wanna do is go to red places
And try to stay outta hell

It must be the colors
And the kids
That keep me alive
'Cause the music is boring me to death

it must just be the colors
And it must just be the kids
That keep me alive on this January night.

Yellow hair
You are a funny bear
Yellow hair
You are such a funny bear