look at you

when i was in high school, the three activities that largely shaped my life were debate, soccer, and my band. i did lots of other stuff like choir, student council, concert and marching band, track, and others. but most of my time was spent pursuing one of those three activities - hanging around with people i knew from the activities, practicing, that sort of thing. it was a good life. i'll recount three short stories over the next couple posts, surrounding each of those activities.

first, i am thinking about a crazy experience i had in the fall of my junior year. my team always had to play games down in sioux falls, an hour south of brookings. it's notable that i made a trip to sioux falls 1-3 times each week from when i was in sixth grade until when i was a senior in high school, all for playing soccer. on this particular afternoon, my team had just finished playing a soccer game, and for some reason, we didn't stop for our usual post-game meal at wendy's. i had hurt my ankle during the game, and that actually was pretty normal. i tended to dribble the ball a lot (i guess because i could), but by late in high school, most opposing players knew enough to just hurt me if they wanted to get the ball. it was around this time that i should have figured out that i wasn't playing against players of great skill or fully developed senses of sporting play. if they couldn't get the ball, they'd just hurt me. and so after this game, as after so many others like it, i was hurt.

i was riding in the backseat of our coach's car, the colbeck cruiser as we called - a huge grey monte carlo. colbeck was a really great coach, having played with my oldest brother for a very good coach six years prior to this, after which he played college soccer and came back to work afterwards. but he wasn't exactly the biggest or strongest guy i'd ever met. sitting next to him in the passenger seat was my friend bob, another skinny but cool guy, pretty low key and bordering on being a committed pacifist (something he'd become a little later in life). i was sitting behind colbeck trying not to think about how much my body hurt, and sitting next to me in back was my friend jesse, though all of us called him shu back then.

this didn't turn out to be an ordinary ride back to brookings, however normal the soccer game was, and i suppose i could blame it on us not stopping at wendy's, but that seems a little bit much given the circumstances. things got strange when shu saw four guys pull up in the car next to us at a light, and he thought they were the team we had just played. thinking they were playfully "cocking him off" (commonly used phrase of the day), he held up his hands, and made a "wtf" face at them. when the light turned green, their car proceeded to swerve into ours, getting dangerously close to hitting us. it was about this time that colbeck and bob started wondering what's going on. shu quickly explained that he had mistakenly taken the fellows in the car next to us for friendly competitors. and the chase was on.

while driving through sioux falls (on louise i think), we got more and more confused at these would-be-gansters (from small town south dakota). after they had swerved at us, colbeck took off, gunning the engine of his poor old cruiser, and our pursuants pulled in behind us, tailgating us as close as they could at times. we ran a red light, passing through the intersection just after it was red, and they ran it three seconds behind us - it was starting to feel like a movie chase scene, but i wasn't really feeling like this was the kind of movie scene i wanted to be in right then. every so often, one of us would look behind, back at the car, and we'd see them still there, looking somewhat deranged, and for a while, one of them appeared to be beating a dangerous cudgel in his hand, menacingly, until we realized that it looked more like that butt end of a windshield scraper.

life certainly wasn't all humorous, and i certainly was a little worried, not only that the other car would do something even more rash if given the opportunity, but also that the police would pull us over. i mentioned my worries, and colbeck wisely noted that if a cop did pull us over, that'd actually be better - we could explain our strange situation and go from there, paying the ticket if need be (though i had looked at the other car's license plate).

once we pulled on the interstate, we figured it was over, but were surprised, confused, scared, amazed that the car was still tailing us. they started to try to pass us, staring at us, telling us to pull over (which didn't make a lot of sense given that i was probably the closest thing to a fighter of any of us, and i was hurt), swerving a few times, leaving colbeck to swerve to stay out of their way. they passed us (with our blessing), but then slammed on their breaks, i can only assume to get us to rear end them or stop or something. colbeck knew the road though, he knew there was a single lane of traffic ahead for fifteen miles of construction. so he gunned it and passed them, put a few cars in between us, and we never saw them again.

we did spend the rest of the trip back looking back over our shoulders and in the mirrors, making sure they weren't behind us (given that they followed us for close to 20 miles). and we had that experience to ponder over and wonder about. colbeck had a backup plan if they had tried following us the whole way home. that afternoon, south dakota state university had played mankato in football, and colbeck said he'd just pull up to a bar, walk in and tell everyone inside that our friendly pursuants were from mankato and had been badmouthing the hometown team. not a bad idea really. who says that the life of a south dakota high schooler isn't interesting, even though i still don't think that the four fellows trailing us in the car would have held up to any real gang activities, or even to me and my older brothers (i had been thinking we could drive back to the house where my older brothers were living with their friends, but i think in the end colbeck's idea was the better one).

that's the first of a few promised stories of my high school life, this one centering around soccer, although there wasn't much description of soccer at all. as a slight change of topic (i promise i'll tell more stories soon), i'd like to think that i've adjusted to the start of this new semester - i went through my worn out phase (almost falling asleep in class for the first time since junior year of high school), and i'm fighting a cold. but that hasn't stopped me from getting back into the groove i need (exercise, productive thesis revision, making good food, talking to good friends). i hope that the end of winter and the coming spring turns out to be fun and interesting, lively and relaxed, all in good measure. and i wish the same for all of you.

i've known for a while that this was song i'd be including in this upcoming post, so even though it's been a few days in coming, it'll be worth it. the song's music is simple, i'd even say just right (every time i hear the song, i just want to direct the piano part), and the lyrics are striking.

Heart by Stars

Time can take its toll on the best of us,
Look at you you're growing old so young,
Traffic lights blink at you in the evening,
Tilt your head and turn into the sun,

Sometimes the T.V. is like a lover,
Singing softly as you fall asleep,
You wake up in the morning and it's still there,
Adding up the things you'll never be,

Alright, I can say what you want me to,
Alright, I can do all the things you do,
Alright, I'll make it all up for you,
I'm still in love with you,
I'm still in love with you,

Time can take its toll on the best of us,
Look at you you're growing old so young,
Traffic lights blink at you in the evening,
Tilt your head and turn into the sun,

You disembark the latest flight from paradise,
You almost turn your ankle in the snow,
You fall back into where you started,
Make up songs you used to know,
So...

Alright, I can say what you want me to,
Alright, I can do all the things you do,
Alright, I'll make it all up for you,
I'm still in love with you,
I'm still in love with you,

The hard luck god,
You never had a chance you know,
Incurable romantics never do
He held a flame I wasn't born to carry,
I'll leave the dying you stuff up to you,

You get back on the latest flight to paradise,
I found out, from a note taped to the door;
I think I saw your airplane in the sky tonight,
Through my window, lying on the kitchen floor.

Alright, I can say what you want me to,
[I want more]
Alright, I can do all the things you do,
[Give me more]
Alright, I'll make it all up for you,
I'm still in love with you,
I'm still in love with you,
[I want more]

Alright, I'll say you want me to,
Alright, I'll do all the things you do,
Alright, I'll make it all up for you,
I'm still in love with you,
I'm still in love with you..

love, love, love

as i said yesterday, i start school tomorrow, and i can't say that i'm ready. but that's all right. i am excited for the classes i'm taking and for the class i'm helping with. i'd be even more excited if i knew i'd have time to do everything i want to do this semester - i've made a list of things to do, and i guess the scope of it all may be much longer than one semester. but maybe. foolish hopefulness in this instance isn't such a bad thing.

today i received an email from a good friend that was great. the email was something i appreciated a lot, but that's hardly the point of me writing this for others to read. what is important is this quote she included, and i think it's worth your time to read and reflect on it. particularly because martin luther king, jr. should be honored today and most days, in much the same way that rosa parks, gandhi, and numerous other people should be, for using the pragmatic, active approach to love, not only in their personal lives, but in their public lives. here's king on love and power.

What is needed is a realization that power without love is reckless and abusive, and love without power is sentimental and anemic. Power at its best is love implementing the demands of justice, and justice at its best is power correcting everything that stands against love...  I know that love is ultimately the only answer to mankind's problems.  And I'm going to talk about it everywhere I go.

king's words are amazing, for me more powerful even than oft-quoted preambles to the dream speech. just as powerful is the dedication to love and life i've found in my interactions with my favorite professors and mentors. one of them has a book coming out this spring called love, love, love. professor taliaferro is one of the smartest and funniest people i've met, and also one of the most caring and helpful. i'm glad to know him, and i can't wait to read this book. here's the quote listed on amazon from the book's introduction.

Three days before his death, my father, at 95 years old, held hands with me and repeated the word Love three times. The essays were written over five years. All are written with the aim of combining humor with seriousness.

in a similar vein, at least with a similar title, is a song by the mountain goats, of the album sunset tree. i'd listened to them some before at the request of my brother, but he gave me this cd for christmas, and i must admit i've listened to it tons of times recently. there are a number of good songs on the album, both musically and lyrically. this one is the most striking given the present topic of this note. i recommend getting the song and listening to it, then just sitting for five minutes and thinking about it, and the rest of these thoughts. perhaps thinking about love, love, love for five minutes each day is the most important thing people can do. in the powerful way, never anemic. i could tell stories of what people do for love--real, powerful, active, pragmatic love. but i think that for now, reflect and write your own stories. i'll do the same.

love, love, love by the mountain goats

king saul fell on his sword
when it all went wrong
and joseph's brother sold him down the river for a song
and sonny liston rubbed some tigerbalm in his glove
some things you do for money
and some you do for love love love

raskalnikov felt sick
but he couldn't say why
when he saw his face reflected
in his victim's twinkling eye
some things you do for money
and some you'll do for fun
but the things you do for love
are gonna come back to you one by one

love love is gonna lead you by the hand
into a white and soundless place
now we see this
as in a mirror dimly
then we shall see each other
face to face

and way out in seattle
young kurt cobain
snuck out to the garden
put a bullet in his brain
snakes in the grass beneath out feet
rain in the clouds above
some moments last forever
and some flare out with love love love

these small degrees

i still haven't defended my thesis, though the time is getting close, and that's exciting actually. i start second semester in a couple days, and though i'm excited, i actually think that i would be quite productive, even from a graduate student type of perspective, were i to remain "on break" and in charge of my time and reading/writing choices. i've made it to that point, and i think that as a graduate student, that should be enough (i'm actually one of those people who'd reached that point as a junior in college when i started taking a lot of independent studies, and i wish i could be doing the same right now). i'd like to say to those involved in my graduate experience - hi, i don't need to take any more classes - just give me a little bit of time to talk with you so you can recommend ideas or paths to follow and so you can read my thoughts when i have them written down. i'm to that point. and i'm confused that everything now is supposed to aim at one project - that all my time and effort should be devoted to one pursuit until i have my phd. that just seems crazy, especially when in the last three weeks, i've written up ten different project ideas i'd like to pursue sometime in the near future (and these are all just academic dissertation type ideas).

right now, i'm probably feeling the best that my thesis is nearing some closure and that my advisor thinks it's good enough that i should pursue something like it for the dissertation (though i have a number of other ideas i'd also like to pursue). i enjoy learning about random things - today this meant bonobos, richard posner's thoughts on jurisprudence, the apparent lack of scandinavian nature writing, and the history of daylight savings time. i'm also really happy that i've learned how to make a few foods, most notably granola, based on a recipe given by a good friend. and i'm pleased with my bag that i use to carry food home from the grocery store (and yes, i walk). and i'm happy for another mild winter, though i may worry about us having seven mild winters in a row here. besides, i really wish that the black hills of south dakota were getting a lot of snow to give the area a big groundwater recharge. strange wishes...

this is a song by some friends, and i think it's quite good (look for it when they release it in a month or so). i was lucky enough to have a listening session, and i think the upcoming album should be good. there's something about the lyrics that i like, and i think it's the reference to bulimia/anorexia without condemning, proselytizing, or advocating a change. and this seems somewhat strange at first glance, because there's something quite wrong, and terribly dangerous about that kind of situation. the song i most associate with eating disorders is ana's song by silverchair, off the album that i listened to more than any other my senior year of high school. in that case, daniel johns was talking about his own experiences with anorexia (less associated with males, and interesting for that reason) - and the video was quite well done i thought. but i think the perspective given in this song is different, and is interesting, for the following reason.

when i coach soccer, one of the things i've learned is that there are certain times and situations where people need to know what they could do differently, perhaps better, in their actions. but there are also a number of times when they already know that they've done something wrong, and even what they should have done, without anyone telling them this. if someone kicks a ball over the goal when shooting on a fast break, or commits a stupid foul, most often that person doesn't need to be told this - it's known. instead, the player should be told not to worry about it for now, until something can be done about it (i usually tell players to forget about it during the game, and then spend 2-5 minutes thinking about it intensely afterwards, after which the memory is released).

i'm pretty sure this isn't the message of this song, but it's relevant - i'm certainly not an expert on something like this, but i am a real person who has dealt with a few friends experiencing eating disorders, and i never knew how to react, except to be supportive, not of the eating disorder, but of the person. and i think that this song, more than most, demonstrates that view. that someone can be loved and supported and helped, that lives can be shared, when things are imperfect. and i don't have to like what someone does in order to care for that person. i remember a conversation with my mom when i was in high school, where i said to her that just because some of my friends had started smoking, drinking, and smoking pot, i wasn't going to stop being friends with them. friendship and love seemed more important, and i think in a lot of ways, that holds true, even based on different worldviews, political stances, theologies, and choices about lifestyle. i want my friends and family to know what i think about those things, but i don't want any of it to get in the way of caring.

Beautiful Skeleton by The Glad Version

You're such a beautiful skeleton,
and I've got some meat to spare
so bring your bones in here.
And I'll take care of everything.
We'll look so wonderful intertwined.
I never thought I could love a ghost
until I saw right through you.
You're arms are pale and thin.
And you've got no reflection in the mirror on my wall.

Oh, it's better here since I opened my eyes.
It's been a year since I've written a thing.
I guess it took your fragile frame to wake me up.

Dry heaves and an empty plate.
Full drinks and a pulsing brain.
I guess we all have our faults.
But we are fine in our disease.
We are dying by these small degrees, and...

I just can't wait til we are perfect.
Heaven knows that we deserve it.
It wasn't broke but we still fix it.
No medicine can heal the spirit.

Oh, it's better here since I opened my eyes.
It's been a year since I've written a thing.
I guess it took your fragile frame to wake me up.

the only things that save you

i'm back in in the twin cities after spending around three weeks at home. not much has changed really, but life does of course continue on without me, and i think i'm glad for that. it's good to know that you're missed, but that you're not really essential to the workings of anyone's universe. the world is much bigger than me, and it doesn't need me too desperately. i like that.

i had a lot of amazing times over break, but i'll mention just one right now. here's the story/memory i find most strangely humorous. my mother's brother and his family were visiting us for a family christmas eve dinner, and it was good to see my cousins. the best part of the night came when my uncle (who is hilarious) asked the table what we thought some jello looked like. my mom had made red jello with some fruit in it, in a molded bowl and them taken it out of the bowl and put it on a platter (or plate perhaps). so we all pondered a second or two, and as i was about to come up with something i thought the jello looked like, my cousin (also hilarious) said that the jello looked like a gut pile (like from an animal). i admit being taken aback - that of course hadn't occurred to me. my uncle said he thought it looking like that mountain out in wyoming - it finally came out that he was talking about devil's tower, and maybe the jello looked a little bit like that, but thinking about the jello looking like a gut pile still makes me laugh.

in addition to playing soccer, seeing long lost friends, spending time with my family, drawing pictures, framing photographs, listening to music, writing stories, learning about norway and sweden, and reading a bunch, i also found some time to work on my thesis - and i'm getting pretty close to done. i'm not going to make the deadline i wanted to make, but that's probably good in a way because i'll be able to take more time to revise some. at any rate, i'm really glad that i have good friends, colleagues, and advisors that can support me in working on the thesis. that's helped a lot.

this is a poem by someone my younger brother introduced me to (and from a book he got me for christmas) - i really like it, very much, and for a number of reasons. one of them relates to place - the part of minnesota about which he's writing is the part that i drive through every time i go between school and home - which i've done tons of times in the last seven years. at any rate, that part of the country can be somewhat desolate, in a lonely and quiet sort of way. but it's also beautiful, and right now, the snow makes everything white as far as you can see. as i drove back here yesterday, all the trees were still covered beautifully in snow, and as i looked forward, the sky and snow-covered ground blended into one in the unfocused parts of my vision - it wasn't white-out conditions (though i've made the trip in every severe weather situation possible), but it was pure white all around me. quite stunning.

whiteness by stephen dunn

On the way to Cottonwood, Minnesota,
along Route 23,
a white horse used to graze--
apparitional, always startling--
like birches suddenly among evergreens.
Eight years have passed
and it's become something clean
and unharnessed for the mind to hold
amid the rush of atrocities;
I see it lifting
its head, cantering toward a barn
where no other animal lived.
There are friends I could ask
but I don't want to know if the horse
is still there or how the winters might have changed it.
Here there are billboards
on the marshland where egrets
once lived, and that's enough of progress,
enough of the way of things.
Years ago, before experience,
I watched a lovely woman
walk toward me naked,
carrying her shyness like a gift,
and that woman and that horse
are among the photographs untaken
that I plan to die with,
vivid in their whiteness,
pumping blood to and from the heart
even after, maybe for a second or two,
my eyes close and there's nothing.



this song is good, and it's been in my head a lot lately - along with a few other songs i'll probalby mention soon. i think that those of you who've never listened to them should get this song, and play it, and move in your head with it.

rebellion lies by arcade fire

Sleeping is giving in,
no matter what the time is.
Sleeping is giving in,
so lift those heavy eyelids.

People say that you'll die
faster than without water.
But for all we know it's just a lie,
scare your son, scare your daughter.

People say that your dreams
are the only things that save you.
Come on baby in our dreams,
we can live our misbehavior.

Every time you close your eyes
Lies, lies!
Every time you close your eyes
Lies, lies!
Every time you close your eyes
Lies, lies!
Every time you close your eyes
Lies, lies!
Every time you close your eyes
Every time you close your eyes
Every time you close your eyes
Every time you close your eyes

People try and hide the night
underneath the covers.
People try and hide the light
underneath the covers.

Come on hide your lovers
underneath the covers,
come on hide your lovers
underneath the covers.

Hidin' from your brothers
underneath the covers,
come on hide your lovers
underneath the covers.

People say that you'll die
faster than without water,
but we know it's just a lie,
scare your son, scare your daughter,
Scare your son, scare your daughter.
Scare your son, scare your daughter.

Now here's the sun, it's alright!
Lies, lies!
Now here's the moon, it's alright!
Lies, lies!
Now here's the sun, it's alright!
Lies, lies!
Now here's the moon it's alright
Lies, lies!

Every time you close your eyes
Lies, lies!
Every time you close your eyes
Lies, lies!
Every time you close your eyes
Lies, lies!
Every time you close your eyes
Lies, lies!

Every time you close your eyes
Every time you close your eyes
Lies, lies!