up and never down

probably the most interesting little news bits are that i've decided to get an ipod finally - i think i'm going to get a blue ipod mini (though apple is clearly trying to get people to buy the new ipod photo). i look forward to that a lot - i also want to buy a polyphonic spree robe and wear that around rather than other clothes - i think it would be interesting if i started wearing that to my classes, especially when teaching. i can guess the reaction it would get - i've been getting similar reactions for the last ten years - why are you wearing that (expressing genuine interest in addition to a little concern and some dismissiveness)? and i'd say something along the lines of, because i want to, because i like to talk to people about this sort of thing, because i like to be somewhat eccentric/eclectic, because i'm predictably unpredictable, because i like choices in clothes, especially clothes that stand out rather than blend in.

while i can disappear quite easily (i'm just as good at doing this as my younger brother, even though he's probably more known for it currently), i often wear clothes that make it more difficult to disappear. so those are the two things on my list of things to buy sometime in the future - not that i have all that much money to spend on frivolous things like ipods and robes - and besides, i mostly spend all my disposable income (money that isn't for rent/food) on books - the next book i plan to buy is the consumer's guide to effective environmental choices. it is often cited in grist's consumer questions section ask umbra. and it seems like a good pragmatic thing to have.

when i was a senior in high school, most of my friends knew my favorite band, my favorite album, my favorite song were silverchair, neon ballroom, and miss you love. i think the album is truly amazing, especially considering the trajectory of the band from young nirvana rip-offs to musicians that had orchestration on the third and fourth albums (they actually paralleled my band in this evolving way, except they were famous - on mtv/snl - we were barely famous in our hometown). i saw them on tour that year also, and the show was quite good. the music video emotion sickness is amazing if you like artistic music videos (i certainly do). perhaps my strongest memories of this song revolve around the two girls that i was closest to at this time in my life - i dated one who was best friends with the other, and when we broke up, i became really close friends with both of them - they even made me a pink shirt for graduation with their picture on it and 'my girls' up above the picture - it was a pretty sweet gift, and i mean sweet in both senses of the word.

that spring, our high school choir took a train trip out to seattle - a large number of my good friends were all on this trip, and it was a blast - really long train rides both ways and a number of days on buses and in hotels in between. it was a good trip for me, and i've talked about taking that train ride out again, as long as i'm with a group of good friends - the only troubling thing is that it costs just as much to take the train as it does to fly, and it takes much longer. but if you can enjoy the travel time also, it would be quite worth it.

at any rate, it's hard for me to listen to this song and not think about certain friends and this trip to seattle. even though i was depressed at times during this year, the trip was amazing, and i really appreciate everything that my friends did for me. i really appreciate daniel johns' lyrics and the combination of instruments in the song. i read once that he wrote the song as kind of an anti-love song, and that's fine - i don't really care what he was thinking or meaning with it - i just know that this song embodied my senior year. in the end, i'm really glad that silverchair's following album diorama was much more uplifting and optimistic while keeping the same instrumentation choices (strings, etc.). i don't think that diorama ever had the same feeling and 'real' quality as neon ballroom, but that's fine also. i think that they realized that the 'realness' was sometimes a little too depressed - daniel johns had some depression problems, along with anorexia, and he later was afflicted with a rare form of arthritis that forced them to cancel most of the diorama album's touring. so they're a group with interesting stories, and i like them a lot - i would consider neon ballroom in my top albums of the 1990s without a doubt.

Miss You Love by Silverchair

Millionaire say
Got a big shot deal
And thrown it all away but
But I’m not too sure
How I’m supposed to feel
Or what I’m supposed to say

But I’m not, not sure,
Not too sure how it feels
To handle every day
And I miss you love

Make room for the prey
’cause I’m coming in
With what I wanna say but
It’s gonna hurt
And I love the pain
A breeding ground for hate but...

I’m not, not sure,
Not too sure how it feels
To handle everyday
Like the one that just past
In the crowds of all the people

Remember today
I’ve no respect for you
And I miss you love
And I miss you love

I love the way you love
But I hate the way
I’m supposed to love you back

It’s just a fad
Part of the teenage angst brigade and
I’m not, not sure,
Not too sure how it feels
To handle everyday
Like the one that just past
In the crowds of all the people

Remember today
I’ve no respect for you
And I miss you love
And I miss you love

Remember today
I’ve no respect for you
And I miss you love
And I miss you

I love the way you love
But I hate the way
I’m supposed to love you back



the following is something that i wrote my senior year of high school - i include it here because it's something i wrote while being heavily influenced by silverchair, especially the song above. i think i wrote it one night after the debate banquet when i was feeling quite overcome with the impending change in my life, with leaving a group of close-knit friends, all of whom were/are amazing - at this time i was somewhat depressed - i was confused about life in general, and that's fine. i still am confused about life - i will say i'm not really depressed right now - even those times when i'm feeling melancholy or sad even, that's it - i guess it might just be a re-definition, but if so, that works just as well. at any rate, i wrote this in the context of the end of high school - i guess it could now be in the context of the end of most anything. and yes, ends aren't really ends. so here's the second thing i've posted on here that i've written - this one written even earlier than the previous - i still find some meaning in it, even if it's not perfect - i have it recorded with just me singing also as i could never really come up with music that fit it. suffice it to say, i was writing it in reference to a few specific best friends, but i think i was also writing it to myself. i never sang it at graduation, and i doubt anyone has ever heard/seen it except the one girl i mentioned up above - i think i wrote it down late one night, then walked over to her house and let her read it - pretty sure she never mentioned it again, and that's fine. and i thought of doing something with this in my graduation or senior breakfast thing, but i wasn't comfortable with that so it never happened.

one other thing to note is the similarity between what i was thinking even then with the passage from siddhartha i mentioned in the previous post. even then, siddhartha was permeating my life with a goal of loving everyone. and that makes me feel good - i haven't gotten there yet, and i doubt i ever will, but it's not a bad think to talk about, to concern myself with. so i guess if you don't want to meditate on the song by silverchair, this is another option, though it'll be much more difficult to get a hold of an audio copy of it - that would require a special request, but i guess it's possible.

come with me by brett

it's over and done
we must move on
with the songs we learned to sing
and now they'll only bring
us tears

there're no more jokes to tell
so i wish you well
and try to have fun
just try to love everyone
love everyone

come on and laugh with me
come on and cry with me
never ever let me be
please just come with me

each person has a part
of each and every open heart
there're so many friends here today
and all i can think to say
is i'll miss you
yeah, i'll miss you

it scares me when you frown
i want you thinking up and never down
we must forever try
it's our time to live, not the time to die
'cause we need you
yeah we need you

come on and laugh with me
come on and cry with me
never ever let me be
please just, please just come with me

think, wait, fast

tonight i went to see a few friends play music, and it was quite good - if you want a little taste of what i'm talking about, check out thegladversion.com - you will be able to listen to a few songs online and explore them in greater detail if you wish. i'm the kind of person who doesn't really like music atmospheres filled with smoke, and the venue wasn't bad, but i still took a shower after getting home - that might sound obsessive, but when you combine my dislike for smoke with my love of water (showers especially), it's not too farfetched. at any rate, i feel quite good right now.

i was reading my favorite book again a few days ago - i didn't read it straight through (though i have done that quite a few times), and i wanted to highlight a few important ideas from it. siddhartha was written by hermann hesse in 1922. it's an amazing story - i would recommend it to anyone and make a point of buying a copy for anyone i know who has not read the book. at used book stores, you can always get a copy for $2 or so. and just as a side note, i find it quite strange how many book reviews and summaries seem to construe siddhartha's story as the story of the buddha. yes, there are some remarkable similarities, and both reached enlightenment, but anyone who has read the story knows that siddhartha was not the buddha except in a different sense of the meaning of is - they interacted with each other, but the historical buddha was another character in siddhartha, not the title character. this is of minor consequence, but i've always been slightly bothered by this. at any rate, most of my favorite short stories are also by hermann hesse - you can find that collection as hermann hesse's fairy tales - i recommend it highly also.

all of this points to a realization i've had recently. the book all i ever needed to know i learned in kindergarten by robert fulghum is a clever book, and it highlights the ethical importance of sharing. i tend to agree that sharing (or altruism, as it's often referred to) is an important part of ethics. more important though and quite critical, i think that sharing experiences is foundationally important in one's life. relationships are where good things come, stories tell about those good things, and sharing the good things is where a lot of meaning in relationships comes. sharing one's life, one's interests, one's thoughts, and all the other potentially share-able things are the basis for good lives. i'm glad that i have good relationships and connections to people who help me become aware of cool things to experience - music, movies, books, and other things that are just as important but get harder to easily name. that makes my life good. i think siddhartha knew this, or perhaps hermann hesse knew this, which meant siddhartha knew this - at any rate, knowing these sorts of things has always helped me understand my life better. i'm going to pull out a few important exchanges from the story that have helped me understand my life - i hope you enjoy them.

about a third of the way through the story:
siddhartha is saying, "so siddhartha will come again when he has what he is lacking in--clothes, shoes, money. but tell me, fair kamala. , , where can i go to obtain these three things as quickly as possible?"

"my friend, many people want to know that. you must do what you have learned and obtain money, clothes, and shoes for it. a poor man cannot obtain money otherwise."

"i can think, i can wait, i can fast."

those three abilities are something that i have wanted to develop. i found those to be very powerful the first time i read this story in high school, and i still do. i think that i have gotten better at thinking, and i've gotten better at waiting, that is, being patient. i'm continuing to work at fasting, but that is one that i often think i might be better off not getting good at - i already don't have the best eating habits (in terms of eating multiple times each day and eating breakfast, etc.). but the waiting one is especially powerful for me. here is how siddhartha describes these abilities soon after:

siddhartha said: "yesterday i told you i knew how to think, to wait, and to fast, but you did not consider these useful. but you will see that they are very useful, kamala. you will see that the stupid samanas in the forest learn and know many useful things."

though i would love to highlight a number of more ideas from the book, i'll skip two of the most important ones: how to work (at one's job) and listening to the river - the activity that was most important for siddhartha to learn. i'll talk about them sometime soon. but here is one very important exchange near the end of the book (this also illustrates how siddhartha is not the buddha):

"it seems to me, govinda, that love is the most important thing in the world. it may be important to great thinkers to examine the world, to explain and despise it. but i think it is only important to love the world, not to despise it, not for us to hate each other, but to be able to regard the world and ourselves and all beings with love, admiration and respect."

"i understand that," said govinda, "but that is just what the illustrious one called illusion. he preached benevolence, forbearance, sympathy, patience--but not love. he forbade us to bind ourselves to earthly love."

"i know that," said siddhartha smiling radiantly, "i know that, govinda, and here we find ourselves within the maze of meanings, within the conflict of words, for i will not deny that my words about love are in apparent contradiction to the teachings of gotama. that is just why i distrust words so much, for i know that this contradiction is an illusion. i know that i am at one with gotama. how, indeed, could he not know love, he who has recognized all humanity's vanity and transitoriness, yet loves humanity so much that he has devoted a long life solely to help and teach people? also with this great teacher, the thing to me is of greater importance that the words; his deeds and life are more important to me than his talk, the gesture of his hand is more important to me than his opinions. not in speech or thought do i regard him as a great man, but in his deeds and life."


i can't believe how amazing siddhartha was - how amazingly insightful hermann hesse's writing was here - i've read all his books (to my knowledge), even the ones that i didn't find that great. and i think that siddhartha is the best - in terms of the story, the context, the perfection of simplicity in the story, that sort of thing. it's amazing. i hope you read it if you haven't and reread it if you have. it will be well worth it, much like watching the princess bride or amelie yet another time, or listening to your favorite song again.

i think that the lyrics for this song speak for themselves, and certainly when the melancholy beauty of the instrumentation/voice comes in, you'll feel good. i will say that i couldn't listen to this when i was feeling really happy and optimistic - it is again one of those songs that should be listened to at night when you're feeling real, but not exactly happy. it is beautiful. and now i find myself wishing for sleep so i'll go for that, and this night, i don't think that i'll wake up early with the starlings, however telling that might be.

Morning Watch by Dolorean

I found myself again on the morning watch for those of us who cannot sleep
just because of the things we've done we wake up early with the starlings
and as night sins fade away and bee stings lose their swell
so begins my day, and so ends my hell.

And as night falls I prepare my bed
and curse the pillow's stony lies
for just as sure as my body begs for rest
I'll be up before the sunrise.

life as it comes

I like many parts of my life right now. Some things are more clear, more comfortable, and that's nice. I can't say exactly where I'm at, and there are certainly very strange things in my life. One strange example: I was in the emergency room on Tuesday evening, and I still haven't felt negative about that whole experience. It was quite strange. To put it simply, I have a hernia, and in order to determine that, it required me to describe the pain I was having and let others figure out what is wrong with me. It was quite an experience. I am going to have surgery sometime in the near future (because there is little to no chance of it healing on its own). And I'm resigned to that - perhaps the strangest thought that occurred to me is that I have been to see medical professionals more in the last month than I had in the preceding five years. I hope my body isn't falling apart, but I guess that if it is, I'm trying my best to keep it together while simultaneously enjoying what health I have.

This song is from my past. Although the Sixteen Stone album was more influential than Razorblade, this is one song that I still find value in outside of the sentimental value - the latter half of Razorblade has a lot of good music - this song is an example. Besides, Bush was my favorite band my freshman and sophomore years of high school, and I've seen them twice in concert - once with Veruca Salt on the Razorblade Suitcase tour in spring of 1997 (Ames, Iowa) and once in spring of 2000 with Moby (St. Cloud, Minnesota). I loved them the first time I saw them, and I was somewhat disappointed the second time. My life had changed, and that's fine. But I still appreciate what Bush did for me at a certain point in my life, much like the Smashing Pumpkins, Radiohead, Sigur Ros, and Death Cab for Cutie.

Sometimes I get together with friends and reminisce about music - sometimes the music we played - tonight it was about Bush music - how we knew all their songs inside and out and could probably sit down after not listening to them for five years and play them straight through, pretty decently. We could certainly sing them decently well, with harmonies in some instances. And that's good - that's the sentimental value of this music, not to say that it's not good past that. We liked the band, we knew their music, and we were influenced by it - people even used to listen to our first CD and ask if it was a new Bush Cd (though that did offend the singer a little).

Furthermore, this song has traces of imagery surrounding fetuses - perhaps related to thoughts on abortion. It's not explicit or direct, or even clear what it means, and I think that's a good thing. Even more impressive in this area of music (being about social issues, but not clearly so) is Brick by Ben Folds (released around the same time). There's so much to be said for the rhetoric of suggestion and ambiguity - things that argumentative essays can't afford to do. And that's probably one reason I like it. I like it when analytic philosophers are clear with language, but I don't always like forcing students to just work toward clarity (though it is my job to do this when teaching 'writing to convince, inform, and persuade' - a course title of which I disapprove). At any rate, maybe listen to this song and think about it absent any connection to sociopolitical ideas, then listen to it and try to find meaning in that area - see which one you appreciate more - which one helps you live more.

I will say that I like just listening to music sometimes without even hearing the words, but I like doing both - kind of similar to how I like both music that is complex (where you can listen multiple times and hear something new/different each time) and music that is simple (where you see and hear the same things every time). I guess the same goes for movies - I am comforted and appreciative of The Princess Bride watching it the xxxth time (I've watched it very many times) - and I don't think that I've seen anything new in it - my life has changed so I get something new out of it, but mostly it is just a steadfast foundation to return to in my life whenever I need something like that.

Straight No Chaser by Bush

Always be there
Face I live with
Always be there
Face I live with

Abcess memory with broken fingers
All the fallen down angels
Raw pain distress

It’s all in the way we know that we could have it all
Some satellites of pain can’t always be ignored
War on all sides
War on all sides

Drink life as it comes
Straight no chaser
Drink life as it comes
Straight no chaser
Climb inside you
Away from strangers
Building a system of alleys and motorways

It’s all in the way we know we could have it all
Some satellites of pain can’t always be ignored
It’s all in the face of what we thought we knew before
War on all sides
War on all sides
War on all sides

Keep on driving
Hair left morning wet
There’s nothing like losing you
There’s nothing like losing you
There’s nothing like losing you

Worn out and Great

It's been a few days, but that's mostly because I've had some interesting experiences and busy days. But they've been good days in spite of everything. And I always use the phrase 'in spite of' very self-consciously - in this case, I don't know what I am trying to spite so I don't think it makes sense. Sometimes when I do things in spite of people, then I actually mean to spite them (which means going against their wishes or something). At any rate, I have a lot of thoughts that I want to get out sometime soon (and a lot saved up), but I'll give two songs this time, and we'll see how that goes. And I promise to post more thoughts and stories up soon.

This song is a free download on iTunes so you should check it out. Even my dad liked it, said I should send it to him. Do check it out.

When the President Talks to God by Bright Eyes

When the President talks to God,
are the conversations brief or long?
Does he ask to rape our womens rights,
and send poor farm kids off to die?
Does God suggest an oil hike,
when the President talks to God?

When the President talks to God,
are the consonants all hard or soft?
Is he resolute all down the line?
Is every issue black or white?
Does what God say ever change his mind,
when the President talks to God?

When the President talks to God,
does he fake that drawl or merely nod?
Agree which convicts should be killed?
Where prisons should be built and filled?
Which voter fraud must be concealed,
when the President talks to God?

When the President talks to God,
I wonder which one plays the better cop.
"We should find some jobs, the ghetto's broke,"
"No, they're lazy, George, I say we don't;
just give 'em more liqour stores and dirty coke!"
That's what God recommends.

When the President talks to God,
do they drink near beer and go play golf
while they pick which countries to invade,
which Muslim souls still can be saved?
I guess God just calls a spade a spade
when the President talks to God.

When the President talks to God,
does he ever think that maybe he's not?
That that voice is just inside his head,
when he kneels next to the presidential bed?
Does he ever smell his own bullshit?
When the President talks to God?
I doubt it...I doubt it.

South Dakota's motto is Great Faces, Great Places (referencing Mount Rushmore of course). Worn out faces, Worn out places - sometimes I can't wait for Mount Rushmore to wear off - as erosion and other natural forces work on it, I look forward to the aging of the Presidents. And I don't mean this to be offensive - I just look forward to it.

For some people, maybe the song Mad World has always been a Tears for Fears song from 1983. It was not the case for for me - a friend and I were driving around looking for apartments last fall, and this song came on while we were listening to a compilation my younger brother gave me. My friend said that it sounded familiar, and I said, well, it's from the Donnie Darko soundtrack, and he's like, that's not what I meant. I kind of dismissed him, but I was of course wrong. It rarely fails that I can talk about something I don't know about and act like I am informed - for those of you who have experiences this facet of my personality, I apologize - having an older brother who would jump on me at any sign of weakness does this I guess.


Mad World (by Tears for Fears and Gary Jules)

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places
Worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going no where
Going no where
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression
No expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow
No tomorrow

And I find I kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I�'m dying are the best I'�ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very
Mad world
Mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen
Sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me
No one new me
Hello teacher tell me what�s my lesson
Look right through me
Look right through me

And I find I kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I�'m dying are the best I�'ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very
Mad world
Mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world

lemon tea with honey

I am getting better - I have a good immune system, and that's that. The best thing about yesterday has been lemon tea with honey in it (and trying my best to actually relax for the first time in recent memory). Tea makes me feel so much better, and some days it's good to feel better.

I will say that it's hard for me to sing like Ben Gibbard today - it's much easier for my voice to sing like Spiritualized - see for example the song Don't Just Do Something: "Sometimes they say that love is blind, but I think that dumb is what they had in mind. . .Sometimes I get to fly so high that the sun burns my wings, but I will fly just a little too far 'cause that's where you are, and I won't bring you down, believe in me. . . I could lay in bed like my mama said, 'Don't just do something; sit around instead'. . ." My mom sometimes gives me advice like this - in truth, I used to be much more high energy than I used to be so she probably helped me out. Her grandfather always used the phrase, "Quit standing around and do something." That's probably why I like that song so much.

It has been an interesting last few days - being sick, trying to relax, and not being able to sleep - for someone like me, that adds up to a lot of thinking - a lot of imagined conversations in my head, a lot of inner explorations - running through so many scenarios that my head spins thinking about it. Ecological modeling involves setting up a computer simulation that will do tons of calculations really quickly, and the jobs for modelers is to develop and formulate an accurate model (that does well on known information) and then figure out what happens on a variety of future scenarios. Without grossly oversimplifying real neural networking except for the case of this analogy, I think this is what my brain these last few days when I'm in bed - only I don't focus very well - I just move from one scenario to a tangentially related one quite quickly. It's been said that science can't make decisions, just offer/organize data - that seems quite true for these inner exploratory tangents - there are very few times that I feel like they make me realize what exactly I should do - they're probably all totally bogus, but it's my schizophrenic way of making my way through the world. And it's fine. Except when I can't sleep.

I spent the first four years of my life in a town called Staples. In one class on Wednesday, someone said (my paraphrase) that our stable memories only develop after we're 4 years old, that most people only have a few memories from before that time and those are usually of traumatic episodes. I never know which ways my life has been anomalous, but this might be one. I have a bunch of memories of my time in Staples - they're not all that connected, and my older brothers always made fun of me for having memories based on pictures that I actually don't remember - this is kind of a funny thing because there are many recent memories that only come back after seeing a picture from that time. At any rate, I remember distinctly some of the memories of exploring the areas near the house - I also remember an awful lot of things about the house, things that seemed strange or maybe that my creative brothers and parents attached some strange mythology to. I couldn't really say exactly which memories are the earliest (and therefore how far back my memory goes), but I can't always do that with the summer family trips I took in grade school and high school. So these memories are numerous and often quite detailed if scattered and unimportant at times.

I should mention blame (one topic on my previous entry), particularly since the song below is about blame also. Don't get any misconceptions about me from this happenstance occurrence. I just was thinking about this song the last few days (started listening to it a bunch again last week). I don't need to say much more about blame, but if I did, I think that Modest Mouse and Radiohead would probably say it just as well - blame seems to be something that can make us feel better as a scapegoat. Maybe I'll get myself into trouble here, but I'm pretty sure that scapegoating inanimate stuff like mountains can't be too terrible a thing. Blame it on a scapegoat, and pick a scapegoat that won't feel too bad - I'm pretty sure the Tetons and the Black Star won't mind much.

On the subject of the Tetons - I love the Tetons. My family took a trip there some number of years ago - probably four years ago now. One of my favorite places in the United States is probably Jenny Lake where on a calm day, the reflections of the Tetons are quite beautiful. Here is one of the places that was influential on my developing interest in the environment, and in this case specifically, environmental aesthetics. I came back home and started looking into the Teton Science School - figuring out what it would take to spend time living there and researching. Last summer at the joint conference on environmental philosophy, one philosophy professor was talking about how she really liked The Abstract Wild by Jack Turner - a philosophy professor who got sick of academia for a while and went and became a nature writer and hiking guide in the Tetons (his memoir of that time is called Teewinot). I really do recommend The Abstract Wild to anyone who likes hiking and climbing or nature writing from a more recent person than Thoreau or Leopold. And I guess that like Turner, my love for wild things can be blamed at least in part on the Tetons.


Blame it on the Tetons by Modest Mouse

Blame it on the Tetons. Yeah, I need a scapegoat now.
No my dog won't bite you, though it had the right to.
You oughta give her credit cuz she knows I would've let it happen.

Blame it on the weekends. God I need a cola now.
Oh we mumble loudly, wear our shame so proudly.
Wore our blank expressions, trying to look interesting.
Blame it all on me cuz God I need a cold one now.

All them eager actors gladly taking credit
for the lines created by the people tucked away from sight
is just a window from the room we're bound to.
If you find a way out, oh would you just let me know how?
Would you just let me know how?

Blame it on the web but the spider's your problem now.
Language is for liquid that we're all dissolved in.
Great for solving problems, after it creates a problem.
Blame it on the Tetons. God, I need a scapegoat now.

Everyone's a building burning
with no one to put the fire out.
Standing at the window looking out,
waiting for time to burn us down.
Everyone's an ocean drowning
with no one really to show how.
They might get a little better air
if they turned themselves into a cloud.

blame it on

Today started out relaxed - I tried to stay in bed resting for as long as possible - so I skipped listening to the lecture that I TA for. Then just to be sure that nothing was going wrong with me, I went and got checked out at the clinic before substitute teaching this evening. The test results for serious problems came back negative, and they're assuming that I just have a really bad cold. So I'm hoping that's it. And I can worry less I think.

I taught my first graduate seminar today - it was based on discussion, with very good students, so it wasn't too much work/worry. I am probably going to end up teaching it the rest of the semester (though I cannot be the instructor of record because I don't yet have my MA degree). This is because the professor had broken her hip (hence my substitution). And that's very sad. It sounds like she's optimistic, and I hope I get to talk to her sometime soon. But that's enough to hit me like a large heavy thing. So I guess when this sort of thing happens, all I can really think to so say is that it's terrible. I'm not one to blame things on anything - I really don't think about blame - I do try my best to think about responsibility - maybe it's the same idea, just without the negative connotations. Who knows. So I guess if someone (anyone) really needs to blame anything on anything, here's a song that might give some help.

This song was one of my favorite Radiohead songs when Radiohead was my easily chosen favorite band. Nice Dream, Exit Music, and Street Spirit were a few others (all of them are today also). I'm not quite sure what about the song makes it so powerful, but it is. And I think that's good enough.


Black Star by Radiohead

I get home from work and you're still standing in your dressing gown
Well what am I to do?
I know all the things around your head and what they do to you
What are we coming to?
What are we gonna do?

Blame it on the black star
Blame it on the falling sky
Blame it on the satellite that beams me home

The troubled words of a troubled mind I try to understand what is eating you
I try to stay awake but its 58 hours since that I last slept with you
What are we coming to?
I just don't know anymore

Blame it on the black star
Blame it on the falling sky
Blame it on the satellite that beams me home

I get on the train and I just stand about now that I don't think of you
I keep falling over I keep passing out when I see a face like you
What am I coming to?
I'm gonna melt down

Blame it on the black star
Blame it on the falling sky
Blame it on the satellite that beams me home
This is killing me
This is killing me

When we are young

I'm having sort of a rough day, but I made it through it again, and that's good. This last weekend was awesome - some friends and I traveled to Madison, Wisconsin - we experienced the Kites on Ice festival, the UW union, bars/restaurants (had my first Afghani food), and the great company of good friends. It was quite warm out for February, but as I tend to do, I thought it was nicer than it was. The trip was awesome, but sometimes the consequences are troublesome.

Now I'm sick - a bad cold caught up with me - I haven't had a bad cold in a few years (used to get them all the time - felt like I was perpetually sick). At any rate, I'm going to take a nap now - I'm drinking warm water, and a graduate student friend is going to have me try Airborne - some new cold remedy that people are talking about and sounds like it works.

The following song is from 1991 - and it's a little bit of my musical history - this album, this song, and this band were my favorites for a while when I was a 8th/9th grader. I listened to it a lot - for some reason though, this song reminds me of being sick, laying at home in bed, trying to sleep, getting up to watch Saved by the Bell reruns, going back to bed, taking a warm bath, going back to bed - all the time I spent sick at home in bed those years I would listen to this album - Roll the Bones (my friend who listened to them with me always liked the title track better). It kind of went along with the other stuff I was listening to at that time (Queensryche's album Empire was good) - they were technical musicians with interesting lyrics - I liked the complexity sometimes (though I liked pretty simple stuff too - Bush's Sixteen Stone comes to mind). And it fills in the holes between Meatloaf (5th/6th), Guns and Roses (6th/7th), Bryan Adams (6th/7th), and all the other music I listened to during that time. Before middle school, I mostly liked 60s music - especially the Beatles, Beach Boys, Monkees (TV show reruns again), Del Shannon (Runaway was my favorite song for quite a while), Peter/Paul/Mary, Simon & Garfunkel, and many others.

And I guess it makes sense that I wasn't quite with the mainstream in middle school - I was forever changed by older brothers. The oldest loved U2, Guns and Roses, ZZ Top, and Rush. The second was listening to Moby, Green Day, and Bush way before anyone around me had heard of them, along with Testament, Ministry, and other crazy bands. My older brothers listened to Pink Floyd, Bryan Adams, Smashing Pumpkins, and so many other musicians before I did. And that's good. I'm glad.

Now I have a network of people looking for good music to introduce me to - my friends and my younger brother mostly - but others too. And every once in a while, I find something myself that I like. This song is one that still seems a good one for listening to while resting. Unfortunately, I don't have it with me right now so I'll have to listen to it later. Definitely read the lyrics though - not a bad choice for my younger days.


Dreamline by Rush

He's got a road map of Jupiter
A radar fix on the stars
All along the highway
She's got a liquid-crystal compass
A picture book of the rivers
Under the Sahara

They travel in the time of the prophets
On a desert highway straight to the heart of the sun
Like lovers and heroes, and the restless part of everyone
We're only at home when we're on the run
On the run

He's got a star map of Hollywood
A list of cheap motels
All along the freeway
She's got a sister out in Vegas
The promise of a decent job
Far away from her hometown

They travel on the road to redemption
A highway out of yesterday -- that tomorrow will bring
Like lovers and heroes, birds in the last days of spring
We're only at home when we're on the wing
On the wing

When we are young
Wandering the face of the Earth
Wondering what our dreams might be worth
Learning that we're only immortal
For a limited time

Time is a gypsy caravan
Steals away in the night
To leave you stranded in Dreamland
Distance is a long-range filter
Memory a flickering light
Left behind in the heartland

We travel in the dark of the new moon
A starry highway traced on the map of the sky
Like lovers and heroes, lonely as the eagle's cry
We're only at home when we're on the fly
On the fly

When we are young
Wandering the face of the Earth
Wondering what our dreams might be worth
Learning that we're only immortal
For a limited time

We travel on the road to adventure
On a desert highway straight to the heart of the sun
Like lovers and heroes, and the restless part of everyone
We're only at home when we're on the run
On the run

An Unofficial Holiday

I really like the days of spring when I first feel like I can enjoy sitting outside. The snow is melting, there are puddles, and life is returning from dormancy.

The day of melting in 1999, I ran around my high school and got some dress clothes all messy in the muddy ponds.

The day of melting in 2000, my campus became a misty swamp - I just wandered around campus and took pictures - they turned out pretty neat - trees, swamps, and stone buildings.

The day of melting in 2001, I climbed trees barefoot in front of my dorm while there was snow around still and the ground below the tree was a pond. I also walked around campus and picked up branches that had blown off the trees on a windy day, and I put them in my closet because I liked the smell.

The day of melting in 2002, I sat outside my dorm and wrote a song. I sat outside my dorm (Rand Hall) and watched the beginning of the end of winter. And I love that.

The day of melting in 2003, I had the longest snow ball fight in my memory - with a bunch of friends and a bunch of people we didn't know. We threw snowballs at professors and at random people walking to get lunch or dinner. It was probably the most exciting and fun snowball fight I can remember. And it lasted from around 11am to 6pm or so, and a few of us kept it up the whole time (with minimal stoppages for us to warm our hands).

The day of melting in 2004, I spent a lot of time sitting outside - just watching - seeing what spring in a large city is like. And I watched snow melt. And I threw a frisbee until my hands were freezing.

The day of melting in 2005 (today, and maybe tomorrow), I had classes, but I did a bunch of walking and sitting outside. In between my philosophy classes, I just sat and stood outside for 2 hours - the ground was cold, but the sun on my black sweatshirt felt warm - that warming sun was nice. And the sky was such an amazing blue color - it was a a great day. And classes were good, and I had a good day for talking on the telephone. I'm happy and optimistic.

I love being happy and optimistic. I love this day of the year, and I love it even more because it isn't decided beforehand like so many of our days. It's not like February 3 is spring day or whatever - it just happened to be this year. And I'm really glad that things are good in my life in a lot of ways. I hope they're good in your life too.

Below is a song that is written in my head - I need to record it I know. This was an unfinished song, stuck in my head for a really long time, but I could never make more progress on it, even though I wanted to, until I was on my flight back from London. I feel like there's more, but it might be another few years before I find them. So the two things that it connects - the two things that I ascribe a lot of meaning to right now - the appreciation for the non-human, natural world - especially spring's melting, greening, life-bringing - and appreciation for the relationships I have with my friends - how they can make me happy and optimistic, able to cope with everything, no matter what it is.


The Coming Spring

Birds are back - They're singing the year's first song
Snow melts and the world's an alpine lawn
Falling off the roofs and branches, Just enough to green the grasses

I smile, and you laugh
Happiness is ditching my backpack because
I can feel the coming of summer
I can feel spring in the air
I know that this moment can't last forever
But right now I just can't seem to care

Another day, and I'm flying across the world
Clouds white - The sky is blue
I can't forget a short week in London
Beautiful spending time with you

You smile, and I laugh
Happiness is ditching my troubles because
I can feel the coming of summer
I can feel spring in the air
I know that our lives are still changing
But right now I just can't seem to care

such dreams are true

Experiences give way to stories. Reading and hearing stories can frame current and future experiences. It is an interesting relationship.

I grew up with three brothers - two older, one younger. There were times when I liked them and times when I didn't. I was beaten up more than my fair share, but I think I'm basically over that. I am who I am today because of them. . . . . I included that statement because it seems true to the point of being dumb, and I find it hard to appreciate the full weight of comments like that - I'd much rather say something like, I really like the experiences I had because I was the third of four boys.

My family had a dog for a little while - his name was Rocky, and he didn't stay with us too long. Before you go thinking that we murdered him at night or sent him off to a humane shelter to be murdered later, pause and take a deep breath. We decided that he would better enjoy life out in the country, outside where he could run where he wanted and have a little more freedom. So he went and stayed with my grandparents on their farm. He lived quite a while, had a lot of experiences, but I don't think I'd ever say he became wise at all. He just wasn't that bright, and that's not a bad thing I guess, except that I think it made his life a little more difficult - wait, I'll say more adventurous - that sounds better.

Rocky liked to chase the cars and trucks that drove by on the gravel road in front of my grandparents place. I don't know what it really did for him, but this unexplainable passion for chasing cars is probably the least of my worries right now - and I guess I haven't ever done it so I shouldn't be judgmental. It was a game, and I think he got pretty good at it. Chasing cars I guess is fine - it gives a dog a reason to run, much like playing soccer or ultimate frisbee for me - I like to have more motivation to run than just to run (I need to work on that - the aesthetics of just plain running). And barking at cars isn't really that serious, less serious than the chasing I think.

The problems start when the desire is not just to chase vehicles, or even to chase and bark at vehicles. The problems start when the desire is to bite the tires of the vehicles. I'm guessing this must be somehow analogous to hamstringing a large animal - take out the tire and hopefully the vehicle will stop - and I'll just assume that is the desired effect, but maybe the fun lies in trying to bite a fast spinning rubber object on a fast moving large vehicle. Main problem: what happens when one achieves success? Unfortunately for Rocky, here's where some additional foresight might have been helpful. On one such successful occasion, Rocky managed to split his lower jaw in half as his body was whipped around and finally dislodged. He took on the persona of a junk yard dog at this point in his life - half of his teeth sticking out sideways.

I didn't witness this particular event (though I would often go walking with him along the road, and feel helpless as he heard a car approaching in the distance and find a place to hide to spring upon his unknowing prey). It was hard to miss the result - combined with his perpetual interest in smelling skunks and porcupines, Rocky was the very picture of a dog with whom you wouldn't want to spend quality time. Even though it was hard to keep in mind that this was the very same dog that I cuddled with when we were younger, I still loved Rocky. I miss his junkyard-ness sometimes when I visit my grandparents. And I really do think that he enjoyed life on the farm a lot, even if it was painful at times. Life free of pain isn't always better. The opportunity to make mistakes is nice, even though it isn't perfect. I'm not sure whether I prefer adventure or peace more.

I've started wearing glasses more than I used to - I have been doing this because of my eye twitching, but a little bit of web-based self diagnosis (and talking with a couple friends) helped me realize it was probably the caffeine in the tea that was making my eye twitch - or at least that was likely part of it. Right now one of my favorite things to do since I've started wearing glasses is to lean over my tea and blow on it to fog up my glasses. I don't know why - it is nice though. And I've started to drink tea with no caffeine - probably a good choice. I love chamomile. And peppermint. And a bunch of others.

These last few nights I've read the same few pages of a book - each night - because I think they're really great, and they relate two things I've been thinking about as separate things: relations with other people and jobs. Here are two of the quotes (ellipsed slightly with some slight gender pronoun modification).

"This, then, is the moral taught us. . . that what constitutes the dignity of a craft is that it creates a fellowship, that it binds [people] together and forms for them a common language. For there is but one veritable problem--the problem of human relations."

"Happiness! It is useless to seek it elsewhere than in this warmth of human relations. Our sordid interests imprison us within their walls. Only a comrade can grasp us by the hand and haul us free. And these human relations must be created. One must go through an apprenticeship to learn the job. Games and risk are a help here. . . Each must look to the self to teach the meaning of life. It is not something discovered: it is something moulded."

So these quotes go with my Gandhi meditation about being the change I wish to see in the world. I want some sense of security, some sense of adventure, some sense of personal satisfaction/meaning/purpose, and some sense that I'm making the world better. More than anything, trying to understand the personal satisfaction part is made so much easier when I start trying to think about how a job is just one way of being around and developing relationships with others. After reading those selections from Wind, Sand, and Stars by Antoine de Saint-Exupery, I feel really good about choosing parts of my life - it makes it much simpler than trying to figure out how I want to change the world. Because I want to do lots of things. Understanding jobs as a way of developing relationships with other people is good.

And it works really well together with Hermann Hesse's book Siddhartha. If I can work the way Siddhartha does, I'll be happy. And I think that the changing the world thing will be inherent in all the things I want to do. I can delude myself into thinking that at least - right?

This might be the song that would make me content were it sung/played at some important event in my life (funeral, wedding, etc. - as if there is an etc). I've tried to reconstruct the lyrics, especially since lyrics websites don't publish the lyrics because of some copyright stuff - they just tell you to look up the poem, but that doesn't show the lyrics in the order they're sung - so hopefully that justifies my inclusion here - down below is the original poem.


Electrelane The Valleys

I heard it from the valleys
I heard it ringing in the mountains
Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah

I heard it from the valleys
I heard him singing in the mountains
Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah

Robert, when I drowse to-night,
Skirting lawns of sleep to chase
Shifting dreams in mazy light,
Somewhere then I'll see your face
Turning back to bid me follow
Where I wag my arms and hollo,
Over hedges hasting after
Crooked smile and baffling laughter.

We know such dreams are true

Higher Voices
Running tireless, floating, leaping,
Down your web-hung woods and valleys,
Garden glooms and hornbeam alleys,
Where the glowworm stars are peeping,
Till I find you, quiet as stone
On a hill-top all alone,
Staring outward, gravely pondering
Jumbled leagues of hillock-wandering.

You and I have walked together
In the starving winter weather.
We've been glad because we knew
Time's too short and friends are few.
We've been sad because we missed
One whose yellow head was kissed
By the gods, who thought about him
Till they couldn't do without him.

Lower Voices
He's come back, all mirth and glory,
Like the prince in fairy story.
Winter called him far away;
Blossoms bring him home with May.

All
Now he's here again;
Standing in a wood that swings


Now he's here again;
Standing in a wood that swings
To the madrigal he sings.
And I'm sure, as here I stand,
That he shines through every land,
That he sings in every place
Where we're thinking of his face.

While we know such dreams are true!


Here's where the lyrics came from - knowing this makes this song even more special I feel.

A Letter Home
1918
Siegfried Sassoon
1

Here I'm sitting in the gloom
Of my quiet attic room.
France goes rolling all around,
Fledged with forest May has crowned.
And I puff my pipe, calm-hearted,
Thinking how the fighting started,
Wondering when we'll ever end it,
Back to Hell with Kaiser send it,
Gag the noise, pack up and go,
Clockwork soldiers in a row.
I've got better things to do
Than to waste my time on you.

2

Robert, when I drowse to-night,
Skirting lawns of sleep to chase
Shifting dreams in mazy light,
Somewhere then I'll see your face
Turning back to bid me follow
Where I wag my arms and hollo,
Over hedges hasting after
Crooked smile and baffling laughter.
Running tireless, floating, leaping,
Down your web-hung woods and valleys,
Garden glooms and hornbeam alleys,
Where the glowworm stars are peeping,
Till I find you, quiet as stone
On a hill-top all alone,
Staring outward, gravely pondering
Jumbled leagues of hillock-wandering.

3

You and I have walked together
In the starving winter weather.
We've been glad because we knew
Time's too short and friends are few.
We've been sad because we missed
One whose yellow head was kissed
By the gods, who thought about him
Till they couldn't do without him.
Now he's here again; I've seen
Soldier David dressed in green,
Standing in a wood that swings
To the madrigal he sings.
He's come back, all mirth and glory,
Like the prince in fairy story.
Winter called him far away;
Blossoms bring him home with May.

4

Well, I know you'll swear it's true
That you found him decked in blue
Striding up through morning-land
With a cloud on either hand.
Out in Wales, you'll say, he marches,
Arm in arm with oaks and larches;
Hides all night in hilly nooks,
Laughs at dawn in tumbling brooks.
Yet, it's certain, here he teaches
Outpost-schemes to groups of beeches.
And I'm sure, as here I stand,
That he shines through every land,
That he sings in every place
Where we're thinking of his face.

5

Robert, there's a war in France;
Everywhere men bang and blunder,
Sweat and swear and worship Chance,
Creep and blink through cannon thunder.
Rifles crack and bullets flick,
Sing and hum like hornet-swarms.
Bones are smashed and buried quick.
Yet, through stunning battle storms,
All the while I watch the spark
Lit to guide me; for I know
Dreams will triumph, though the dark
Scowls above me where I go.
You can hear me; you can mingle
Radiant folly with my jingle.
War's a joke for me and you
While we know such dreams are true!