Wednesday, March 22, 2006

you can be my life

i am at school again. and though i didn't look forward to returning all that excitedly, i enjoyed being back. breaks are like that. and it was of course a good day, with the sun shining more hours of the day, spring coming (however slowly), me exercising and going to classes, searching for some new insight. today, i found a few. here's one from jurgen habermas:

Argumentation is not a decision procedure resulting in collective decisions but a problem-solving procedure that generates convictions.

habermas is one of the fellows whose ideas i'm studying right now - part of my job is to go to class and read and think and talk and learn about people and their ideas. and sometimes doing this is hard, or frustrating, though never remotely as frustrating as grading 60 blue book essay exams. that has been difficult at times. but that's what i do. it makes me wonder what i'd like to be doing. i asked a friend what she wanted for her birthday - no restrictions - and then i got to thinking about what i would want for my birthday. this is of course a partial list, but of all the crazy things i might like were i to have a "get-everything-i-want" birthday, that i know i'll never have:

- a bunch of land in the black hills, surrounded by forest service, where i would sometimes go when i wanted to be away from people and around non-people for a while
- a hand-written copy of the fellowship of the ring (or the hobbit) - i thought of this one a few years ago while talking to a friend about christmas pressents - it still seems like a cool gift idea, though i don't know if it will ever happen - i satisfy myself with hand-scribing song lyrics for friends sometimes
- a trip to norway, sweden, and iceland with friends and family (at different times, for different parts) - i already have friends in both norway and sweden right now, so it would be a great time - or maybe spending time in sweden during the world cup
- time, money, and plane flights to visit my friends in l.a., d.c., and chicago. i miss them all very much, but for some reason travel in the school year just gets to hectic, and i'm a piece of crap when it comes to visiting people when i should, over my spring break
- a january spent in puerto morelos on the yucatan peninsula, along with a few days hiking in saguaro national park in arizona or wandering around budapest or london - these are places i have enjoyed being
- meeting and hanging out with natalie portman, adam morrison, and colin meloy (three people i will never know)
- a long june in central south dakota
- spend time with my niece, tramping around the hills and telling new stories. and hearing old stories from my grandparents too.

on the other hand, i should be really happy as i'm going to have an amazing last six weeks of school (aside from grading papers). i'll meet peter singer, scott russell sanders, andrew light, and j. baird callicott. i'll teach environmental ethics (my favorite topic) at saint olaf college (one of my favorite places). i'll be playing competitive ultimate and maybe get to start playing soccer outside. it's going to get warmer soon. this summer's work shouldn't be as frustrating as last summer. i'll get to visit my friends in all these far-off places, albeit not as soon as i'd like. and i'll be one year closer to a phd (after getting my ma this spring - by ma i don't mean mother - i mean master's degree).

so life is great, even though i sometimes feel less than real, not as fully living as i could be. i often spend too much time thinking and reading, but i don't know what else i'd be doing with my time. life has always been this way. and it will always be something like this. i wish all of you a tiger's heart and an apple bed.

apple bed by sparklehorse

of horses wet
with melted ice
they would not heed
my advice
and burdened limbs
of its weight
to break and rot
a whispered fate

please
doctor, please

around me
in a bloody sea
to breach the hive
and smoke the bees
you can be my friend
you can be my dog
you can be my life
you can be my fog

please
doctor, please

the witches will return to their sticky tree knots
I will feel the sun
I will feel the sun
I will feel the sun coming down

I wish I had
a horse's head
a tiger's heart
an apple bed

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