words and friends

note: after writing this post, i realized this is the height of my rambling-ness - i am going on without purpose here. so perhaps take that into account before spending time reading this.

some days i don't know what i have. i get frustrated by distance and the size of my world. i get frustrated by busy-ness and the obligations to work. i get frustrated by my shortcomings and lack of insight into what matters. other days i feel better about things; i feel confident and content. i don't stop smiling, and those who are around me can't believe my sinister wit (and by sinister i don't mean mean). some days i am frustrated by the multitude of things that i have to be doing, by the constraints that force me to be spread too thin. and on other days i laugh at myself for being like that because the main thing i've tried to do and to be involves a broad scope of interests and desires. i have a problem limiting myself, and i'm glad for that.

this is not to say i wouldn't be happier today if i could focus and finish my philosophy take home test rather than prolonging it. i know i could just write the test if i just focused. but maybe that's not my style and i shouldn't worry about it. that's always the problem with life: given some case, does someone choose to accept or change that case. when i coach soccer, should i be more concerned with developing further what skills that certain players already have or working on the skills they don't have, trying to change them or accept them. the useful prayer/wish below is one my mom always tried to get me to understand, and she's probably right.

Serenity Prayer (attributed to a very intelligent theologian, Reinhold Niebuhr, whose work on anxiety, finitude, and self-transcendence remains ingrained in me almost as much as the work of hermann hesse in siddhartha)

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

one little problem is this prayer/wish is based on ability (can) rather than on judgment (should), although the wisdom would hopefully imply some understanding of should. but let's assume early on that i feel that i can do a lot of things, especially in terms of changing my own life. taken too far (let's say i assume that little old me can't do a whole bunch of things), that's kind of self-defeating, and it doesn't really help the word at all. on the other hand, if i try to do everything because of my courage/confidence, that might be problematic. so i guess the wisdom comes in figuring out what i should and shouldn't do.

in my rhetorical criticism class, we gain a lot of interesting insights about how to understand how people are communicating their ideas, and in this weeks work on narrative construction, we learned of a choice between dispositional (character-centered) and situational (context-centered) explanation of events. this would likely explain the nature/nurture distinction among many others, which i have of course come to terms with by saying that nature (or genetics or situations) constrains someone's choices, but the person still has very wide range of choices in actuality, particularly when it comes to attitude. and in this case, i guess the situation is that i'm busy and have lots to do. the disposition is that i'll make do with what i'm given and try to do as much good as possible in the world.

i feel like i'm writing about myself in a strange way right now. and i guess maybe this shouldn't be a problem, but sometimes it feels like it is. one memory i have right now is of being chased down by my oldest brother - he would get mad at me for something - i actually can't really remember exactly what i did or he did that would start things going, but there were a number of times when he would chase me down - sometimes inside, but often outside. and i was fast and quick and could get away from him for a while, but i didn't have enough stamina to keep it up. he'd always catch up with me, and i would usually lay on my back, and if he tried to get me, i would kick him (kind of like a jackrabbit or cat). and it would make him worried enough that he would sometimes leave me alone, but he often tried to figure out some way to get me. and i usually just stuck with the same old thing, laying on my back and kicking. when you're a little kid without much arm strength, especially compared to a brother six years my senior, that just seemed to always work out.

some songs communicate a specific thought or feeling really well. some tell a life story in the most concise manner. this song does all that, but it does so much more. probably the best way to describe this song is richness. this song is amazingly rich in terms of what it can evoke and describe - it goes far beyond what most songs do for me - it doesn't have meaning; it's full of meaning, full of insight. it isn't alone in its ability to do tons for me. but it's a good piece of what i sometimes want to feel, how i want to be free of strings, even while i love the strings most in my life. i love the connections, especially the strong ones that keep me going through the days and through the evenings.

so i guess the aspect of this song that is most special for me is the over-ridden desire to be a drifter. i'm not a drifter, and it's one of those things that i'm not even sure i would be one for a short while, for one part of my life, even though there are a lot of things that i could handle being for parts of my life. i just don't think i'm ever going to be a drifter. except maybe i am already - i'm not a drifter in the geographic sense, but am i one in the relational way? i hope not - i don't want to be. but sometimes i do feel like i'm caught in an undertow, that i'm caught up in something that is keeping me from doing what i want to do, that is making me do some things. i don't live in a perfect world, and i guess it all makes sense.

World at Large by Modest Mouse

Ice-age heat wave, can't complain.
If the world's at large, why should I remain?
Walked away to another plan.
Gonna find another place, maybe one I can stand.
I move on to another day,
to a whole new town with a whole new way.
Went to the porch to have a thought.
Got to the door and again, I couldn't stop.
You don't know where and you don't know when.
But you still got your words and you got your friends.
Walk along to another day.
Work a little harder, work another way.

Well uh-uh baby I ain't got no plan.
We'll float on maybe would you understand?
Gonna float on maybe would you understand?
Well float on maybe would you understand?

The days get shorter and the nights get cold.
I like the autumn but this place is getting old.
I pack up my belongings and I head for the coast.
It might not be a lot but I feel like I'm making the most.
The days get longer and the nights smell green.
I guess it's not surprising but it's spring and I should leave.

I like songs about drifters - books about the same.
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane.
Walked on off to another spot.
I still haven't gotten anywhere that I want.
Did I want love? Did I need to know?
Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?

The moths beat themselves to death against the lights.
Adding their breeze to the summer nights.
Outside, water like air was great.
I didn't know what I had that day.
Walk a little farther to another plan.
You said that you did, but you didn't understand.

I know that starting over is not what life's about.
But my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud.