hands down

this dashboard song is just plain amazing. i love listening to it, and it was on a recent green lake trip music mix (what happens when kenny drives from minnesota to his cottage in wisconsin). i'm not going to reflect on it too much because i am just going to let it wash over me - you should try it too - it is one of those songs (like just about any rage against the machine song) that makes me want dislocate my neck.

what's on my mind today - i'll try to outline a simplified example of my current thoughts. imagine that you had to choose between doing graduate work in a field where that research probably wouldn't get you a job, and if you got a job, it wouldn't be well paying, but you would probably like the job if you got it. or you could do graduate study in a field you like, but perhaps slightly less, where you would be much more likely to get a job, and a well-paying one at that. you might have to do things you like slightly less in this job, but you might still be able to do the same sort of things as in the first job under the right circumstances. under either of the cases, your hope would be to do interdisciplinary teaching and research rather than disciplinary, but you realize that few places are currently hiring interdisciplinary teachers/researchers unless they have a developed expertise in a certain area.

that's where i'm at. it occupies my thoughts and time for too much of each day - i end up searching for things online about people or programs, writing down the same thoughts on stuff over and over, as it is framed the same way each time i think about it. i think i have found a few places that i would like to be, whether for their philosophy, ecology, or environmental studies. right now, those are university of oregon, university of wisconsin madison, university of washington seattle, duke university. that's four places, and i think i could see myself applying to a program in science and philosophy at each of them (not to mention the program i'm currently in). at $75 per application, that will end up being $600 or so, which is a lot for applications, but at the same time i suppose it's all worth it.

i know i would like to teach in the humanities, the environmental humanities, and do my research looking at the relationship between ecological science and environmental humanities. that's what my interest is, but in my opinion, most environmental studies and conservation biology programs that are interdisciplinary are more preparatory for work outside of academia. moreover, they often are more likely to combine science and social science (economics and policy) than they are to combine ecology and environmental philosophy in a meaningful way (to see why, see the previous comment on work outside of academia). they often operate under a paradigm of conservation, sustainability, and solving problems (science tells us what the problem is, and one solves the problem using economic/community-based/policy methods). I find this an important perspective, but it's not the only one (or in my opinion the best). This is not to say that I don't have a lot of respect for people structuring programs such as this because I do, but I have a different way of understanding relationships with the non-human (outside of solving problems with economics or policy).

so the program i envision would allow me to study ecological science in the company of ecological scientists (participate in research and stuff) and then work with it in a humanities context, preparing me to teach and research in a humanities situation, reflecting on the ethical, philosophical, rhetorical, and aesthetic dimensions of the ecological science's ramifications. i'm not sure what that means, but i don't really want to use already defined methods, except for maybe a combination of rhetoric/philosophy methods. i'm working on it, but i need practice. that's the main thing - i'm pretty sure that i could buy into either program and work my way through either, but i want my graduate experience to allow me to work on how i want to do things (which right now is still in experimental stages) rather than do something that doesn't really help me do what i want.

the main thing is i like lots of different perspectives, different methods, different approaches, different jargons/languages to questions/problems/issues - it keeps me thinking and continues to alternate between uncomfortable and comfortable processes of thinking - i come into a situation feeling uncomfortable and then learn it and develop some level of comfort (even though i never get as close to mastery of any area), which allows me to contribute. in the end, i cannot help but make meaningful connections through all the different strategies and rules and methods and rules - and i can develop something new through analogy.

i could probably continue speaking at length about this sort of thing, but i'll leave it there - it gives me enough to frame my thoughts entering sleep. that and a stimulating mess around session with anna. between those two things, i have enough to trouble my dreaming life.



Breathe in for luck,
breathe in so deep,
this air is blessed,
you share with me.
This night is wild,
so calm and dull,
these hearts they race,
from self control.
Your legs are smooth,
as they graze mine,
we're doing fine,
we're doing nothing at all.

My hopes are so high,
that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me,
so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury,
or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.

The words are hushed lets not get busted;
just lay entwined here, undiscovered.
Safe in here from all the stupid questions.
"hey did you get some?"
Man, that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear...
so we can get some.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me, so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury, or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.

Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember,
I'll always remember the sound of the stereo,
the dim of the soft lights,
the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers
and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late
and this walk that we shared together.
The streets were wet
and the gate was locked so I jumped it,
and I let you in.
And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist
and you kissed me like you meant it.
And I knew that you meant it,
that you meant it,
that you meant it,
and I knew,
that you meant it,
that you meant it.