please be kind if i'm a mess

i admit it. the last week or so was not my best. by that i mean, i wasn't the kind of person i like to be--i wasn't my best. grading tests and papers drain me more than anything else i know of. and i can do a pretty decent job of saying why too. i like reading papers just fine, especially when they are well written and insightful. it is the grading i don't like very much, even though quite often i can tell really quickly what kind of grade a paper will get--through reading closer and trying to work through what grade someone should get, i can usually figure it out more closely, but i'm rarely off by very much (if anything, i usually start out slightly harsher and then work toward a more accurate and charitable evaluation).

but it's not even grading that i dislike. it's more the sheer number of things i sometimes have to grade, papers that in some cases are on the same topic and address the same ideas, yet are each unique approaches, which prevents me from standardizing a grading procedure like i could when i graded calculus and linear algebra in college. back then, i could figure out what people were doing and why rather quickly, and if i couldn't, then they were usually incredibly confused. with grading papers, people might take a very different approach, but still be putting in the same amount of effort, and saying something just as interesting and clear as someone else who took a very different approach.

but i always hope that my comments are making some sort of an impact on students. and sometimes they might have that sort of impact without me becoming aware of it. i hope so. there's even a chance that the students aren't aware of the impact themselves--that's much less likely because most recommendations i have for people take deliberate effort, rather than osmotic learning or chance experimentation. but recently, two occurrences have made me feel good about my teaching.

the first involved a student writing a paper that i knew was below his ability. i knew that he could engage the topic better, that he could write a better paper, think harder and deeper, demonstrate his understanding better. and i got his second paper, and it was close to twice as good, an immense improvement, just because i told him that i knew he could do better, that i expected more, and he responded by surpassing my expectations. and that's a good feeling.

the second came in the way of an email i received this afternoon, from a student who appreciated my comments on his paper. i had worried in writing the comments that i had written too much, had went into too much detail in explaining what i thought were the limitations of his argument, at least how he explained it in his paper. and his email said that my comments were helpful, that they helped him to clarify, develop, and understand his viewpoint better, and that he was giving a speech on the topic in another class soon, that his speech would benefit from my comments.

i know these are small things. they're small things for me to be proud of, and i'm sure that for every time something good like this emerges, something balances it out. i try hard, but i just am not as good at all this as i'd like to be.

i was telling a friend that i am going to be the substitute teacher for environmental ethics back at saint olaf, for the professor who i consider a great teacher and mentor, and my friend said, "those are awfully big shoes to fill," and i said, "yes, i know--kind of intimidating." and i am, but at the same time, i'm more excited to be down there talking about environmental ethics than i am for anything (except maybe the coming of spring). it should be great. and intimidating. hopefully all the time, thought, effort, energy, excitement, and everything else i had will help. and if not, then hopefully everyone down there will be a forgiveable lot.

i admit it's been a weird time for music in my life right now--not as much new music entering my life. and that's probably my own fault for not trying. but in times like this, older music can usually tide me over. this song is relevant for two reasons. first, though i have very few dangerous consumption habits--i try hard not to eat, drink, or inhale things my body would consider poisons. but i do tend to eat too much chocolate when i have it available. the last few days have been a good example of that. second, sometimes i get in a right state. the last ten days have felt like that. and when that happens, i hope that everyone can be understanding, can and will be kind when i'm a mess.

cigarettes and chocolate milk by rufus wainwright

cigarettes and chocolate milk
these are just a couple of my cravings
everything it seems i like's a little bit stronger
a little bit thicker
a little bit harmful for me

if i should buy jellybeans
have to eat them all in just one sitting
everything it seems i like's a little bit sweeter
a little bit fatter
a little bit harmful for me

and then there's those other things
which for several reasons we won't mention
everything about them is a little bit stranger
a little bit harder
a little bit deadly

it isn't very smart
tends to make one part so broken-hearted

sitting here remembering me
always been a shoe made for the city
go ahead, accuse me of just singing about places
with scrappy boys faces
have general run of the town
playing with prodigal songs
takes a lot of sentimental valiums
can't expect the world to be your raggedy andy
while running on empty
you little old doll with a frown

you got to keep in the game
maintaining mystique while facing forward
i suggest a reading of 'a lesson in tightropes'
or 'surfing your high hopes' or 'adios kansas'

it isn't very smart
tends to make one part so broken-hearted

still there's not a show on my back
holes or a friendly intervention
i'm just a little bit heiress, a little bit irish
a little bit tower of pisa whenever i see you
so please be kind if i'm a mess
cigarettes and chocolate milk